Thanksgiving - do I continue to put out effort?
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Anonymous
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I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. I am the eldest sibling of three. I have two brothers 38 and 28 that still live at home with mom and are both true “failure to launchers”. My mother treats them like toddlers (they are both completely able minded and bodied) and asks nothing of them. They cant keep jobs, are emotionally detached and play video games all day. My parents divorced 20 years ago and dad is alive but lives in his own studio apartment - never remarried. I have DH and DD (5) and am 7 months pregnant. After living in NYC and getting the eff away and making a successful career we moved back to the suburbs and are now in a 45 min drive from all family. I have hosted Thanksgiving for the past 5 years (except for last year due to covid). Not once has anyone thanked me for cooking/hosting/brought over a bottle of wine/made any inquiries or interest or made any effort to acknowledge my attempt at a “family gathering”. DH is from England so his fam isn’t a factor.
Let’s add my close extended family that always attends. My aunt/uncle (mom’s brother) and their two adult DD’s always come. Both are married but only one has a child who is 7 with severe SN (non verbal autism). My DD is now old enough that she is frustrated when with her cousin because she doesn’t really “play” - she just runs around the house throwing her toys in the air and her parents ignore it. Thanksgiving has always been a holiday I try and make happen so that we have a “family event”. But this year i’m exhausted. I’m pregnant, there is still covid and only my mother and aunt have even written me to congratulate me on my pregnancy (not even my brothers). Can I tell them all to go to hell? Do I politely use covid as an excuse (everyone is vaxed and my DD will have her first shot by then). If there were more kids (even kids of my brothers non existent girlfriends) I would soldier on but I feel like I get nothing out of this. We were going to plan a babymoon/vacation to get out of it but we’ve waited too long and the prices are sky high. And yes I tell my mother this and she just shrugs - she is completely emotionally unavailable on a good day and is too obsessed w her real estate career to really weigh in. Yes I am aware of how dysfunctional this is. I just keep going back to actual Thanksgiving day and worried I’ll have guilt if my DD doesn’t have traditional family at the table BS. Help: |
Anonymous
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Hells no!
Have your own Thanksgiving with DH and DC and make your own traditions. |
Anonymous
| Yea your pregnancy as an excuse, you’re just to tired to host. It sounds like no one will really notice or care. |
Anonymous
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Quit obsessing about Thanksgiving. It’s a day. You are exhausted and it’s ok not to host. It is. Just drop the rope. Send a message today “hello all. I wanted to let everyone know so that you can feel free to make other plans. We will not be hosting a Thanksgiving meal this year. I love you all. Hopefully we’ll get to see one another at Christmastime.”
That’s it. No need to explain or excuse make. They are adults. Let them make their own plans or wake up to realize they value the role you played and would try to fill the void. But honestly, if you didn’t have family Thanksgiving last year because of COVID and everyone isn’t clamoring for it now, I I think it will be just fine. Start a new tradition with just your small family or invite over another small family of one of your daughter’s friends. |
Anonymous
| Do not donut. Blame Covid. You are pregnant. Too tired. Reassess next year. |
Anonymous
| I don't believe these far fetched stories |
Anonymous
| You’re literally the only one who cares, so just do what you want. Even your mom doesn’t care. Stop focusing on what “should” be and start planning your life around what IS. |
Anonymous
+1. I get that you *want* them to care, but they will not. Live your life, make your plans. |
Anonymous
OP here. Really not helpful. I wish this wasnt my family. It’s the reason I had to go my own way after school. I only have been trying because of DD. I could tell you about my wedding where my brothers left me bar tabs after the open bar ended. It really is awful but they are all I have. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t blame COVID or your pregnancy or give any reason. If you give a reason, clueless people will assume that you’ll resume hosting when those reasons are no longer an issue. Just say you’re not hosting, full stop. Maybe you’ll want to host again in the future or maybe not, but you’ll have the freedom of knowing there shouldn’t be any expectation that you will. |
Anonymous
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Just don’t do it. Your family is emotionally stunted. You will have to come to grips with that and act accordingly.
But you could have left out the comment about your daughter being frustrated with her special needs cousin. That’s child’s purpose in life is not to be your kid’s playmate. Great time to start teaching your kid compassion, empathy and respecting and understanding of difference. |
Anonymous
They are NOT all you have. You have your own family now. At some point in life, sometimes you have to make tough decisions and go YOUR way. I don't know how this arrangement is helpful for anyone involved - you, your DH, kids or mom or brothers... |
Anonymous
| skip it this year. next year, be more assertive about everyone helping. |
Anonymous
OP here. I fully understand that, I was giving the full context as there are no other kids for her to interact with. The full context. We had a BBQ that I hosted this summer after we hadn’t seen anyone for a long time due to covid and we had a long talk about it - I went out of my way to find the right way to talk about it. |