No ring

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of your preferences simply because they don’t align with their own preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

It demonstrates that the ring is more important than the proposal. I'm giving you myself, and all you want is a sparkly rock to show off to your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of your preferences simply because they don’t align with their own preferences.

I firmly agree and also think you should not go into debt over an engagement ring. If you want something inexpensive he can afford now, tell him. Do not push him to go into debt over a ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

It demonstrates that the ring is more important than the proposal. I'm giving you myself, and all you want is a sparkly rock to show off to your friends.

You need to work on yourself, and your ability to fight fair, a whole bunch before you marry anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of your preferences simply because they don’t align with their own preferences.

And he shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of his preferences simply because they don’t know align with her preferences.

This is a value shoot and she values A ring to prove love. I don’t think either of them should marry the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

It demonstrates that the ring is more important than the proposal. I'm giving you myself, and all you want is a sparkly rock to show off to your friends.

On the flip side, I’m giving you myself and my fertility which is more valuable than any stone, and you won’t even get a silly sparkler that I consider meaningful.

[Anonymous]

He should bail on this marriage. There is not any way someone who expects him to take on debt to pay for jewelry is going to be a responsible financial partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of your preferences simply because they don’t align with their own preferences.

And he shouldn’t marry someone who is dismissive of his preferences simply because they don’t know align with her preferences.

This is a value shoot and she values A ring to prove love. I don’t think either of them should marry the other.

It’s not proof of love. I know he loves me. It’s something else, a values issue, and how we treat each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

It demonstrates that the ring is more important than the proposal. I'm giving you myself, and all you want is a sparkly rock to show off to your friends.

Shouldn’t a couple be able to consider each other’s wants and learn to compromise, though? DH and I both spend money on things the other wouldnt but we can respect that different things are important to different people. The issue arises when one or both partners are overspending. This, of course, is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should bail on this marriage. There is not any way someone who expects him to take on debt to pay for jewelry is going to be a responsible financial partner.

He already has debt that he assures me will
Be paid off when his contracted pay increase arrives. That debt predated me and he is not worried about it. He will be making like $500K in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Wait?? You don’t even feel comfortable bringing this up??

Do not get married. You are not ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

I am sorry but going into debt for a ring is just asinine. I think you need to get on the same page with regards to finances.

[Anonymous]

OP and to clarify, when I say “debt” I mean something that he could easily pay off in <6m on his current salary just by going without a few of the things he does now, like booze and restaurants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should bail on this marriage. There is not any way someone who expects him to take on debt to pay for jewelry is going to be a responsible financial partner.

He already has debt that he assures me will
Be paid off when his contracted pay increase arrives. That debt predated me and he is not worried about it. He will be making like $500K in a few years.

What exactly does he do? I'd be super worried about someone who is broke promising me they'll make $500k in a couple years. That doesn't just happen, it often take 20+ years to make that kind of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!