If your Son-in-law confided in you about marriage troubles, would you talk to your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private person and the thought of being part of a family where my marital issues are discussed openly with relatives is horrifying to me. We did go through a rough patch 5 years ago and saw a couples counselor. Doing great now but I’m so glad I didn’t have, back then, a bunch of relatives speculating about my marriage and giving opinions and advice and that, now, I don’t have family bringing up past issues and asking about intimate information related to our rough patch.

I know this very open way of communicating works for some families but I would find it so, so invasive.

[Anonymous]

If my mother informed me that she and my husband had been discussing our serious marital issues I would be embarrassed and angry. It would be tough for me to trust either of them moving forward.

It is beyond me why your son in law thought it was acceptable to bring this up with you or why you entertained the conversation. This incident should have started and ended with “this sounds like something you need to talk with Larla about directly”

[Anonymous]

Nope.

They need to seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

This is beautiful! This is how family should come together. Afro Caribbean American here, this is how we interact as a family, helping each other.

I think this can work when this is how the whole extended family functions. In cultures where this is the norm, it works. If this is not how your families interact with each other this is the only situation in which it has been done, it could be viewed as a major invasion of privacy.

PPs are representing a rather rosy view of this dynamic, I am from one of these types of cultures and it doesn't always work that way, and can, in fact, be harmful or downright dangerous if the in-laws don't like you it can also be difficult to establish your own boundaries and preferences or what youw ant your relationship to be if the in laws don't agree.

Wouldn't the bolded be obvious?

Do you think OP's SIL would approach her if she did not like him? I hope not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mother informed me that she and my husband had been discussing our serious marital issues I would be embarrassed and angry. It would be tough for me to trust either of them moving forward.

It is beyond me why your son in law thought it was acceptable to bring this up with you or why you entertained the conversation. This incident should have started and ended with “this sounds like something you need to talk with Larla about directly”

Amen. I'd definitely divorce over this and the relationship with my parents would change significantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

The tough spot meaning her son needs to grow up and be an adult? Or take his ADD meds?

The tough spot meaning why should she, the MIL, answer for her grown-ass son’s behavior, or try to play therapist or mediator, when she is neither? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

+1. He’s a grown adult now who pp chose to marry. MIL clearly wasn’t interested in gossiping about her son.

Or helping him see the light.
No worries. We’re divorced now; he was aspergers and anger issues as well. Another family secret. One kid has it too. Good times.

You chose to date, marry and procreate with him. So there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

The tough spot meaning her son needs to grow up and be an adult? Or take his ADD meds?

The tough spot meaning why should she, the MIL, answer for her grown-ass son’s behavior, or try to play therapist or mediator, when she is neither? Grow up.

+1. This is ridiculous. If I’m having issues with DH I’m not going to go ask his mother to fix them. “That’s it, DH, if you can’t start being more attentive to my needs in this marriage I’m calling your mother!”

[Anonymous]

Latina here married to a white guy.

If I want DH to change his mind or do something and I know his mother will agree with my side, I mention it to her. She doesn’t rat on me but leans on him to do it. And she is like a dog with a bone, so eventually he gives in. If it involves needing more support, she will also offer to him to help out.

I usually only do this for serious issues, like when DH isn’t getting a medical checkup recommended by his doctor, but my point is that my MIL has a very different levers she can use to nudge DH to change or act. She doesn’t see it as taking my side, but rather that she is now aware of a situation which concerns her, and she is motivated to act herself.

The ugly side of this is when MIL wants DH to do something I don’t want him to do, and pushes and pushes. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a positive side.

Maybe OP can offer to pay for individual therapy for her daughter or babysit and give them date nights. It should not be a confrontation and then tattling that her SIL told her their marriage sucks.

[Anonymous]

My sister told me many shortcomings of her husband and now I just don’t like him as much. I wish she’d never told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

The tough spot meaning her son needs to grow up and be an adult? Or take his ADD meds?

The tough spot meaning why should she, the MIL, answer for her grown-ass son’s behavior, or try to play therapist or mediator, when she is neither? Grow up.

+1. This is ridiculous. If I’m having issues with DH I’m not going to go ask his mother to fix them. “That’s it, DH, if you can’t start being more attentive to my needs in this marriage I’m calling your mother!”

A parent can always tell their adult son to “shape up.”
In this case no one did and sounds like they divorced later, he never improved. No intervention. No advice to him.
But hey, at least she agreed on his issues! And knew they were deeper than anyone else knew due to mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister told me many shortcomings of her husband and now I just don’t like him as much. I wish she’d never told me.

She may have told him yours too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister told me many shortcomings of her husband and now I just don’t like him as much. I wish she’d never told me.

Probably a cry for help. Tell her to get a good therapist so she can decide on a path forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

This is beautiful! This is how family should come together. Afro Caribbean American here, this is how we interact as a family, helping each other.

I think this can work when this is how the whole extended family functions. In cultures where this is the norm, it works. If this is not how your families interact with each other this is the only situation in which it has been done, it could be viewed as a major invasion of privacy.

PPs are representing a rather rosy view of this dynamic, I am from one of these types of cultures and it doesn't always work that way, and can, in fact, be harmful or downright dangerous if the in-laws don't like you it can also be difficult to establish your own boundaries and preferences or what youw ant your relationship to be if the in laws don't agree.

Wouldn't the bolded be obvious?

Do you think OP's SIL would approach her if she did not like him? I hope not.

You would think so, but no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister told me many shortcomings of her husband and now I just don’t like him as much. I wish she’d never told me.

She may have told him yours too.

Lol that’s fine with me. She’s not married to me.