If your Son-in-law confided in you about marriage troubles, would you talk to your daughter?

[Anonymous]

I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

This is beautiful! This is how family should come together. Afro Caribbean American here, this is how we interact as a family, helping each other.

[Anonymous]

That’s awesome! Agree!

Much better than gloating that you already knew your son was a selfish snobby pig that you raised!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

The tough spot meaning her son needs to grow up and be an adult? Or take his ADD meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

This is beautiful! This is how family should come together. Afro Caribbean American here, this is how we interact as a family, helping each other.

I think this can work when this is how the whole extended family functions. In cultures where this is the norm, it works. If this is not how your families interact with each other this is the only situation in which it has been done, it could be viewed as a major invasion of privacy.

[Anonymous]

My Mother in law kept pestering and pestering me about when was I going to go part time or stay at home and finally in a moment of frustration I said, “as soon as your son starts making enough money!” My husband happened to be walking by, and he shrugged his shoulders and said, “yep” and kept walking. It’s a nuclear option for in laws to meddle in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

+1. He’s a grown adult now who pp chose to marry. MIL clearly wasn’t interested in gossiping about her son.

[Anonymous]

I am a private person and the thought of being part of a family where my marital issues are discussed openly with relatives is horrifying to me. We did go through a rough patch 5 years ago and saw a couples counselor. Doing great now but I’m so glad I didn’t have, back then, a bunch of relatives speculating about my marriage and giving opinions and advice and that, now, I don’t have family bringing up past issues and asking about intimate information related to our rough patch.

I know this very open way of communicating works for some families but I would find it so, so invasive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember my mom telling his mom what bad habits he had with cleaning up after himself, remembering to do things, working too much.

All my European MIL said was: “Oh that, yes I already know his shortcomings.” And then she walked away.

Ugh.

Um, that was literally the perfect response. How about don't use your MIL as a therapist. She's not your therapist or your girlfriend. Don't try to put her in a tough spot.

+1. He’s a grown adult now who pp chose to marry. MIL clearly wasn’t interested in gossiping about her son.

Or helping him see the light.
No worries. We’re divorced now; he was aspergers and anger issues as well. Another family secret. One kid has it too. Good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.

Stop. You were given one side of the story, by a biased party. My abusive ex tried to do this to get my parents on his side when we split. It failed, but do NOT pick sides unless it’s your child’s.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know that I’d get “involved”, but shouldn’t OP at least tell her DD that SIL brought this up so that she is not blindsided later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.

Stop. You were given one side of the story, by a biased party. My abusive ex tried to do this to get my parents on his side when we split. It failed, but do NOT pick sides unless it’s your child’s.

+1. There is nothing wrong with telling him to consider couples counseling. It is highly inappropriate for him to come to you for intervention for that is not dangerous or life-threatening.

[Anonymous]

Red flag OP. Look up “triangulation”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

This is beautiful! This is how family should come together. Afro Caribbean American here, this is how we interact as a family, helping each other.

I think this can work when this is how the whole extended family functions. In cultures where this is the norm, it works. If this is not how your families interact with each other this is the only situation in which it has been done, it could be viewed as a major invasion of privacy.

PPs are representing a rather rosy view of this dynamic, I am from one of these types of cultures and it doesn't always work that way, and can, in fact, be harmful or downright dangerous if the in-laws don't like you it can also be difficult to establish your own boundaries and preferences or what youw ant your relationship to be if the in laws don't agree.