Mother always tries to embarrass me in front of my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

How nice for you to have no idea what the OP is talking about. Consider yourself lucky.

So let me get this right- I cannot offer a perspective from my own experience. But you, based on your own experience, are completely certain that you can impute intentions and characteristics on the mother that OP herself never said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

How nice for you to have no idea what the OP is talking about. Consider yourself lucky.

So let me get this right- I cannot offer a perspective from my own experience. But you, based on your own experience, are completely certain that you can impute intentions and characteristics on the mother that OP herself never said?

Maybe read the OP again. You're leaving out some of the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

How nice for you to have no idea what the OP is talking about. Consider yourself lucky.

So let me get this right- I cannot offer a perspective from my own experience. But you, based on your own experience, are completely certain that you can impute intentions and characteristics on the mother that OP herself never said?

Maybe read the OP again. You're leaving out some of the details.

I did. Please help me identify what I missed? Other than the "tried to embarrass me", the OP stayed almost entirely to the actions and not the intentions/characteristics- the mother says things about her childhood that reflect badly on her, when called out the mother apologized, cried, and said OP was being too hard on her. Where is the mention of manipulative jealous bully?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

How nice for you to have no idea what the OP is talking about. Consider yourself lucky.

So let me get this right- I cannot offer a perspective from my own experience. But you, based on your own experience, are completely certain that you can impute intentions and characteristics on the mother that OP herself never said?

Maybe read the OP again. You're leaving out some of the details.

I did. Please help me identify what I missed? Other than the "tried to embarrass me", the OP stayed almost entirely to the actions and not the intentions/characteristics- the mother says things about her childhood that reflect badly on her, when called out the mother apologized, cried, and said OP was being too hard on her. Where is the mention of manipulative jealous bully?

I'd rather empathize with OP than go back and forth with you. She described multiple examples, said she could go on and on, tried to talk to her mom, gets manipulated by tears, and yet the behavior continues. You're right, I'm sure it's just all a massive misunderstanding with her forgetful mom.

Good luck OP, hope you find a way to get through the holiday season which always seems to make these things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

"Your feelings about your behavior are not my responsibility. I cannot make you cry when it's your own behavior that you are supposedly sorry for. This dynamic stops, one way or another: either you own up to it and change it, or you continue it and I avoid you. It's your call."

+1 How nice that so many people haven't experienced this kind of subtle toxicity. My mother does the same thing. People who haven't grown up with manipulative family members don't see the intent/spirit of these things.

Right? My mom does this and knows exactly what she's doing. She's always trying to one up me and put me in my place so that she can look better and feel better about herself. There's nothing nice about it and other people see this and she makes conversations awkward. Must be nice to have a parent who doesn't habitually do this to you. I can tell when my mom is about to go off track into one of these stories and I either make a quick getaway or quickly steer the conversation in another direction if I can. She says she is "just kidding" when I try to tell her to stop doing it. She doesn't care.

+1 Don't forget that you're also 'too sensitive' or 'blowing it out of proportion'. Like the PP said, 'how nice that so many people haven't experienced this kind of subtle toxicity'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

This right here is the key. You know your mom. You know your interaction. You know she is not doing this to be mean. I believe you.

But the OP is very clear that she is upset by the behavior and when she talks to her mother about it, she gets emotional manipulation and tears. So this is not a good interaction. And really has nothing to do with your family structure. Sometimes there is a family dynamic. Sometimes it’s just one person in the family that doesn’t respond well. But the facts remain that if both parties aren’t ok with it, it’s not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

"Your feelings about your behavior are not my responsibility. I cannot make you cry when it's your own behavior that you are supposedly sorry for. This dynamic stops, one way or another: either you own up to it and change it, or you continue it and I avoid you. It's your call."

+1 How nice that so many people haven't experienced this kind of subtle toxicity. My mother does the same thing. People who haven't grown up with manipulative family members don't see the intent/spirit of these things.

Right? My mom does this and knows exactly what she's doing. She's always trying to one up me and put me in my place so that she can look better and feel better about herself. There's nothing nice about it and other people see this and she makes conversations awkward. Must be nice to have a parent who doesn't habitually do this to you. I can tell when my mom is about to go off track into one of these stories and I either make a quick getaway or quickly steer the conversation in another direction if I can. She says she is "just kidding" when I try to tell her to stop doing it. She doesn't care.

omg. are you me??? my mother is the same way and i have no kids.

[Anonymous]

Call out rude behavior. Period. Relationship doesn't matter. Age doesn't matter. You can not be afraid. You can not be afraid to have Mommy mad at you. You would never tolerate this behavior from another adult. You shouldn't tolerate it because it is your Mother. Signed, a 60yr old Mother.