Mother always tries to embarrass me in front of my kids

[Anonymous]

My kids know all my embarrassing kid stories because *I* told them before anyone else could!

When I tell them, I’m a comic parent telling hilarious personal mishaps to my kids. If my mother gets there first, she’s a jealous grandmother unconsciously trying to minimize my achievements because she sometimes feels uncomfortable at her daughter having more opportunities than she did.

So, OP, what are waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Mine does that but I never thought it was to embarrass me. I thought she was trying to get their attention and be cool grandma.

Now they are teens and hear exaggerated stories of me skipping school, taking the car without permission, and doing all sorts of things that are versions of the truth.

I respond with laughing, saying -absolutely that happened, humor Grandma, you know how old people tell stories!

[Anonymous]

14:21 again. My skipping school stories are often true. But I never took the car without permission! They do tell a lot of stories and get all of ours mixed up now. The kids don’t care and find it funny. And heard most of it before from me and DH anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my mother thinks this is funny. I remind her it was a long time ago and doesn't matter. That's even if she gets the story straight to begin, then gets really annoyed when I tell the correct version, since you know, I was actually there.

[Anonymous]

I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

PP and I agree. But nothing the OP has posted so far makes that clear that is the case here. Certainly not the "hero and villain" part. It may be true, but it may not be. A lot is being assumed about the mother's intent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

PP and I agree. But nothing the OP has posted so far makes that clear that is the case here. Certainly not the "hero and villain" part. It may be true, but it may not be. A lot is being assumed about the mother's intent...

Really? You think so? OP stated that her mom repeatedly tells negative stories about her, OP asked her not to, and then her mom cried and accused OP of being mean to her. You think we’re assuming that Op’s mom isn’t caring about OP’s feelings when she keeps doing something OP has asked her to stop doing because it bothers her? Then crying when called out on this bad behavior, you think we’re making too many assumptions when we call it manipulative?

Not sure if your rose colored glasses prevent you from seeing bullying behavior or if something else is at play, and I wouldn’t want to assume anything about you because I don’t know you, but OP spelled the situation out pretty clearly leaving no need to assume if her mother is being kind or unkind to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

PP and I agree. But nothing the OP has posted so far makes that clear that is the case here. Certainly not the "hero and villain" part. It may be true, but it may not be. A lot is being assumed about the mother's intent...

Really? You think so? OP stated that her mom repeatedly tells negative stories about her, OP asked her not to, and then her mom cried and accused OP of being mean to her. You think we’re assuming that Op’s mom isn’t caring about OP’s feelings when she keeps doing something OP has asked her to stop doing because it bothers her? Then crying when called out on this bad behavior, you think we’re making too many assumptions when we call it manipulative?

Not sure if your rose colored glasses prevent you from seeing bullying behavior or if something else is at play, and I wouldn’t want to assume anything about you because I don’t know you, but OP spelled the situation out pretty clearly leaving no need to assume if her mother is being kind or unkind to her.

OP said the mom “apologizes then cries and says she is being hard on her”. She doesn’t say how many times this has happened. I’m not sure why we assume both the apology and the tears are insincere. Is it possible that OP was in fact being overly harsh when the mother meant no harm? It isn’t manipulative if the reaction is sincere.

I don’t know what is in the mom’s head. Nor do I know exactly how these interactions have gone down and who said exactly what. Neither do you.

I was offering a different perspective for the OP to consider, given we have no other facts to conclude that the relationship with the mom is terrible. Call them rose-colored glasses if you want, but I try not to assume intent and I try to think the best of people. I also recognize that we only get one side of a story here.

It may very well be that this mother is a manipulative bully. If so, OK. But it also may not…

[Anonymous]

Unless it is very clear that your mom is vicious in these "critiques" of you, you should lighten up and know that this is normal talk of grandmas to her grandkids.
In fact she is trying to make your kids see you as a human and to tell them, hey if you screw up it is not a big deal. Your mom is great now, but it took time for her to get there.
And it sounds like you could do with a bit of good natured jesting.
I don't recall a grandma that doesn't do this among my many family and friends. Not a single adult kid ever took offense unless that kid is an utter pompous jerk, who thinks that the sun shines on his/her arse only!

[Anonymous]

Seems to me you have some chip on your shoulder that she should praise you non stop, and that you are jealous of your brother.
So, what if you have a phd? Should a mother love the child with more education more than a child with less education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

"Your feelings about your behavior are not my responsibility. I cannot make you cry when it's your own behavior that you are supposedly sorry for. This dynamic stops, one way or another: either you own up to it and change it, or you continue it and I avoid you. It's your call."

+1 How nice that so many people haven't experienced this kind of subtle toxicity. My mother does the same thing. People who haven't grown up with manipulative family members don't see the intent/spirit of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

"Your feelings about your behavior are not my responsibility. I cannot make you cry when it's your own behavior that you are supposedly sorry for. This dynamic stops, one way or another: either you own up to it and change it, or you continue it and I avoid you. It's your call."

+1 How nice that so many people haven't experienced this kind of subtle toxicity. My mother does the same thing. People who haven't grown up with manipulative family members don't see the intent/spirit of these things.

Right? My mom does this and knows exactly what she's doing. She's always trying to one up me and put me in my place so that she can look better and feel better about herself. There's nothing nice about it and other people see this and she makes conversations awkward. Must be nice to have a parent who doesn't habitually do this to you. I can tell when my mom is about to go off track into one of these stories and I either make a quick getaway or quickly steer the conversation in another direction if I can. She says she is "just kidding" when I try to tell her to stop doing it. She doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

PP and I agree. But nothing the OP has posted so far makes that clear that is the case here. Certainly not the "hero and villain" part. It may be true, but it may not be. A lot is being assumed about the mother's intent...

Really? You think so? OP stated that her mom repeatedly tells negative stories about her, OP asked her not to, and then her mom cried and accused OP of being mean to her. You think we’re assuming that Op’s mom isn’t caring about OP’s feelings when she keeps doing something OP has asked her to stop doing because it bothers her? Then crying when called out on this bad behavior, you think we’re making too many assumptions when we call it manipulative?

Not sure if your rose colored glasses prevent you from seeing bullying behavior or if something else is at play, and I wouldn’t want to assume anything about you because I don’t know you, but OP spelled the situation out pretty clearly leaving no need to assume if her mother is being kind or unkind to her.

OP said the mom “apologizes then cries and says she is being hard on her”. She doesn’t say how many times this has happened. I’m not sure why we assume both the apology and the tears are insincere. Is it possible that OP was in fact being overly harsh when the mother meant no harm? It isn’t manipulative if the reaction is sincere.

I don’t know what is in the mom’s head. Nor do I know exactly how these interactions have gone down and who said exactly what. Neither do you.

I was offering a different perspective for the OP to consider, given we have no other facts to conclude that the relationship with the mom is terrible. Call them rose-colored glasses if you want, but I try not to assume intent and I try to think the best of people. I also recognize that we only get one side of a story here.

It may very well be that this mother is a manipulative bully. If so, OK. But it also may not…

You know the exact same interaction between you and your mother in front of your kids could be cool. And not be cool in this poster's world. Its because of the long standing baggage and how they handled interactions in the past. All we can do is to assume the OP knows what the dynamics are in her situation and accept that it bothers her. From her vantage point, given her own personality and her own relationships, what is the best thing for her to do? I would agree that she 1. asks her mother to quit, and 2. cuts off the conversation the next time it goes down this path. How you and/or I would handle it is not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?