Mother always tries to embarrass me in front of my kids

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else have a parent who does this? For example, if my mother is visiting while kids are doing homework, she will tell them about how I got very bad grader for a period of time or never even bothered to open my books. Then elaborated that I struggled with leaning and had to work harder than my brother did. I’m the one in the family with a Phd, my brother flunked out of grad school. Other times, it’s about how I was a bad cook and didn’t know how to use an oven until I was married blah, blah. I could go on and on. Same thing happens when I receive a compliment from someone. If my mom is present she adds something she feels is embarrassing or reminds me that I was a very difficult kid.

I’m beginning to see that it’s pretty sad I’ve put up with this for so long.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for all the typos. I’m typing without my glasses

[Anonymous]

Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

[Anonymous]

My parents do this, but I've never been embarrassed by it. In fact, I'm not sure I have ever been embarrassed in front of my kids...

I think my parents are doing it in good humor, and to let me kids have a little window into how I was when I was their age. They tell all the stories from when I was bad at a sport to trouble I got into in HS, etc. We all have a laugh. Are you sure it is mean-spirited, or just a nostalgic parent sharing with family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

"Your feelings about your behavior are not my responsibility. I cannot make you cry when it's your own behavior that you are supposedly sorry for. This dynamic stops, one way or another: either you own up to it and change it, or you continue it and I avoid you. It's your call."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

Then I would just leave or ask her to leave when she does this. She’s trying to undermine you as a parent and that’s not acceptable. Cut her off from the kids until she learns to behave.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be embarrassed. Just own it and use these stupid stories as teachable moments for your kids - about how working harder and sticking with things that were hard made you into the person you are today.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are entitled to a preference. You must speak your preference. It can't be honored if you don't speak it. Once you've cautioned you Mom, her repeated behavior is rude. She doesn't get a pass because she is Mom.

You would call her out. Stand your ground. This is like any other adult relationship.

[Anonymous]

pp again. The crying is emotional manipulation. It's unimportant. She is being manipulative. You must ignore.

[Anonymous]

I would laugh -- then offer up a story about Mom making a mistake........ then use it as a teachable moment for your kids (as a previous poster said).

[Anonymous]

Happens to me all the time. I generally try to shut my mother down before she starts going down memory lane because it's nearly always to tell some lame story about me that makes me look bad. She rarely gets the details right too, just wants to make me look like a fool because she's insecure, petty, and jealous. I try to limit my interaction around her unless another adult is present as a buffer, which tends to keep her in line since she knows someone is there to witness what she's doing.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster upthread who said my parents often do this and I've never even considered being embarrassed or offended. I'm surprised by these responses.

Sure, if it you don't like it you should say something. And speaking truly bad of you in front of nonfamily is not right.

But for my family at least, the telling of silly stories of my childhood and teenage years, and even my parents, is part of normal conversation. And I think it brings us closer together, and can be a teachable moment.

I guess it all depends on the other dynamics at play...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have a parent who does this? For example, if my mother is visiting while kids are doing homework, she will tell them about how I got very bad grader for a period of time or never even bothered to open my books. Then elaborated that I struggled with leaning and had to work harder than my brother did. I’m the one in the family with a Phd, my brother flunked out of grad school. Other times, it’s about how I was a bad cook and didn’t know how to use an oven until I was married blah, blah. I could go on and on. Same thing happens when I receive a compliment from someone. If my mom is present she adds something she feels is embarrassing or reminds me that I was a very difficult kid.

I’m beginning to see that it’s pretty sad I’ve put up with this for so long.

Defend yourself.

Grandma: Kids, your mom got very bad grades and never opened her books; she struggled and had to work harder than Uncle Pete.
You: Yes, and I persevered and got a PhD. I never gave up on myself.

Grandma: Did you know Mom was such a bad cook she didn't even know how to use an oven until she was married?
You: Yes, it made me sad that you always kicked me out of the kitchen when I wanted to learn, but I finally did. Kids, you will know how to cook before you move out.

Rando: OP, your hair looks so shiny and healthy! You look like you could be in a hair commercial!
Grandma: As a child, her hair was a rat's nest. She would never let me brush it and it was always full of knots and tangles. Such a difficult child - she'd never sit still to let me brush it.
You: Luckily we all grow up - thank you so much, Rando!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on this behavior either when it happens or separately?

I have. She apologized and then cries, then tells me I am so hard on her and made her cry.

Tell her she's very hard on you and she cries when called out on it. You don't make her cry. It's a childish response and reaction.