DH doesn’t see baby Monday to Thursday

[Anonymous]

What is DH’s job/position? When I went back to work as a big law mid level it was understood that I’d be out of pocket 5-7 4x/week (I stayed very late one night/week, which helped me manage my work and not fall behind on things). Some clients did not love it, but every partner had my back on this. Has DH asked if he could do something similar and log back on later? I know you said he has calls but my question is can he try to adjust expectations to not have calls during that window? Two hours a day is really not a lot to ask, especially if he’s making up the time later.

[Anonymous]

Can you bring baby for a lunchtime visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is DH’s job/position? When I went back to work as a big law mid level it was understood that I’d be out of pocket 5-7 4x/week (I stayed very late one night/week, which helped me manage my work and not fall behind on things). Some clients did not love it, but every partner had my back on this. Has DH asked if he could do something similar and log back on later? I know you said he has calls but my question is can he try to adjust expectations to not have calls during that window? Two hours a day is really not a lot to ask, especially if he’s making up the time later.

PP did you make partner with this schedule? Just asking since my DH is in big law as well but has never requested this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you bring baby for a lunchtime visit?

This is ridiculous. Even if she was a SAHM it takes a ton of time to commute in to work for the husband to see the baby for maybe 20 minutes and then commute back home. This wastes a huge chuck of her afternoon and disrupts the baby’s schedule all so the man doesn’t have to lift a finger to see his kid. This is so misogynistic, I just can’t.

[Anonymous]

Thin is a non issue. Your baby doesn’t care and this is temporary. Eventually your child will be awake when DH gets home.

[Anonymous]

Law partner wife here. It wasn’t temporary for us. Husband consistently came home after I’d tucked kids into bed, all the way through elementary school. They’re in middle school now and are not close to their dad. He had a midlife crisis, wondering if work was all there is (gee, I wonder why). We’re separated so he can pursue happiness (i.e. younger women), and he spends a couple hours with the kids on Sundays and eats dinner with them. He doesn’t see them at all 6 days a week and it’s still more time than they used to get. He moved out more than a year ago and has never had an overnight with the kids.

My advice: don’t go along with your husband not seeing the kids unless it’s a temporary situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes that’s our life. We were spoiled by the pandemic wfh. Our almost 3 year old is dropping her nap so she’s 7-7 sleeping now. Around her bed time we’ll call dad so they can chat for a minute. If you can FaceTime for a bit before bed that may be helpful. It’s an inconvenience feeling like a single mom M-Tr (he wfh on Fridays). But a demanding job affords us our lifestyle which we’re not willing to give up, it’s all about choices. They get daddy daughter time during the weekend she looks forward and they have a great relationship.

Do you work, PP?

[Anonymous]

This would be unacceptable to me and to my husband. Jobs can come and go, but your child is here and is permanent. Have him look elsewhere for another position. My husband worked for the feds and commuted into DC, so I did all drop offs and pick ups for our then 2 (now we have 3) kids bc my job was closer to the house. He did manage to be home by 6 or so for dinner and - We still moved out of the area for a different job, so that he could have more time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is DH’s job/position? When I went back to work as a big law mid level it was understood that I’d be out of pocket 5-7 4x/week (I stayed very late one night/week, which helped me manage my work and not fall behind on things). Some clients did not love it, but every partner had my back on this. Has DH asked if he could do something similar and log back on later? I know you said he has calls but my question is can he try to adjust expectations to not have calls during that window? Two hours a day is really not a lot to ask, especially if he’s making up the time later.

PP did you make partner with this schedule? Just asking since my DH is in big law as well but has never requested this.

PP. I left to go into government after a couple of years when sort of a dream job landed in my lap, but was partner track and always had good reviews and full bonus. Obviously can’t say for sure because I left, but I never felt hurt by this arrangement. I think it probably depends on your firm/group, but I think it is worth a shot at making it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Law partner wife here. It wasn’t temporary for us. Husband consistently came home after I’d tucked kids into bed, all the way through elementary school. They’re in middle school now and are not close to their dad. He had a midlife crisis, wondering if work was all there is (gee, I wonder why). We’re separated so he can pursue happiness (i.e. younger women), and he spends a couple hours with the kids on Sundays and eats dinner with them. He doesn’t see them at all 6 days a week and it’s still more time than they used to get. He moved out more than a year ago and has never had an overnight with the kids.

My advice: don’t go along with your husband not seeing the kids unless it’s a temporary situation.

DH is a surgeon and works long hours. He has always helped out and all our children are close to their father. He goes to all their sports games on weekends. He has always helped out with bath and bedtime as long as he was home whether it was 2 or 5 nights per week.

He has colleagues who don’t want to help out with bedtime and purposely stay at work longer to avoid helping. I’m sure this is not the case for all. We know all sorts of successful people and some are more hands on than others. I have actually heard people say they would rather outsource helping the spouse instead of helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common in this area. It really doesn't last that long. Baby gets older, stays awake longer.

+1. Very common and very temporary.

+2 Yep, welcome to the club Op

+3

Older DCs are awake longer and see DH, by the third baby he had more seniority, job security, and could come home for 6-7 and then work from home for the evening.

+4. Even in Michelle Obama’s book she talks about this being a challenge with Barack (he often worked late and didn’t get home until after bedtime). This issue is fairly typical.

If your DH has a major issue with it then perhaps he can look for a different job but the baby will be fine either way.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH do?

Many people go into work early or go in late. I would put your DH in the late category. He probably gets to work by 9.

Dh leaves for work around 630am and gets home by 6 usually. My kids are older now so go to bed around 8;30-9pm. Dh usually doesn’t see kids in the morning but sees them in the evenings.

Most babies wake up pretty early. Dh should wake up to the baby, not when he wakes up for work.

I know lots of people who work 7-3 or 8-4. Demanding high paying jobs are usually not exactly 40 hours.

[Anonymous]

I have friends in ny where both parents have this similar schedule. I recently saw a friend who has 2 kids. Both parents are lawyers and not even big law lawyers so not as horrible hours. The nanny feeds the child before they come home from work since both parents work. Many days one or both parents don’t see the kid awake.

This would not work for me.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were tiny, we staggered schedules. I would wake up and pump and leave a bottle for my husband. I was on the bus before the baby woke up. My husband often wasn’t home before the baby went to bed. We had “good” commutes from Arlington. I don’t know how my colleagues in Ashburn or Leesburg do it.

It seems impossible, but it gets easier once they stay up just a smidge longer. Then it gets hard again with elementary school because things like sports and cub scouts start at 4:30 or 5pm.

I grew up with a factory worker father who worked 7-4:30 and a teacher mom. My parents were always around to drive me to lessons, sports, tutoring, etc. and never missed a track meet or field hockey game, even when they were an hour away. My husband grew up with a dad who commuted to NYC and made it to 1 weeknight game or event per kid, per season. They ate dinner at 7:30pm his whole childhood. That sounds crazy to me, but he is close to his parents and he turned out fine.

[Anonymous]

My daycare was downtown, and DH always spent his lunchtime there feeding our kids when infants. He drove them in the morning too. I would bring home. The commute was a nightmare 3-4 times a year, but my kids still have fond memories from it and the music we listened to. You could look into that option if you commute again,