Grandparents not interested - what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

There is actually another son, but the wife grew up as a close friend of the family. She brought a child to the marriage and ILs see that child as just another grandchild of theirs.

Honestly, I get it. It’s tiring having us visit, it’s tiring to visit us. It’s just hard to explain to kids.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally understand. My ILs are retired and have visited us ONCE since our daughter was born. She’s 9 now. We took her to visit when she as 4. That is the last time we saw them.

They too have an RV and travelled all over the place, even within 3 hours of us and still didn’t see her.

They have only one other grandchild, in her late 20s.

No advice.just sad bc they are missing out on a great kid and relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL did not respond to your son? If she wasn’t having technical issues but just ignored him then I don’t think she’s as kind and lovely as you describe.

[Anonymous]

That’s what’s striking me about your posts, OP - you describe them as kind, lovely, fun and give benign explanations for their neglect; you explain away their distance as understandable (i.e. it’s “tiring” to spend time with your family), while simultaneously mentioning the cousins’ friends’ racism (which must have been overt if you are aware of it being an issue), your MIL not returning your son’s call, etc.

Regardless, it’s been a long time since your kids have seen their grandparents, and kids are adaptable. If you and your DH cultivate other connections and stop focusing on the ILs, your kids will follow your cues and it just won’t be as big a deal to them. They’ll adjust to the fact that they don’t have a close relationship, and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I totally understand. My ILs are retired and have visited us ONCE since our daughter was born. She’s 9 now. We took her to visit when she as 4. That is the last time we saw them.

They too have an RV and travelled all over the place, even within 3 hours of us and still didn’t see her.

They have only one other grandchild, in her late 20s.

No advice.just sad bc they are missing out on a great kid and relationship.

I’m sorry. That’s disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

"And for those of you suggesting the fault is somehow mine or that I might be overly dramatic: I hope you all ROT IN HELL!"

- OP

Calm your ass down, it’s strangers in the Internet. You wanted answers tailored to you by a professional, go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully it's a pandemic thing that will blow over. Let DH talk to his parents, ask when they can visit, and if they won't, what the hang up is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully it's a pandemic thing that will blow over. Let DH talk to his parents, ask when they can visit, and if they won't, what the hang up is.

Meanwhile, tell your kids they have been waiting to travel due to COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

"And for those of you suggesting the fault is somehow mine or that I might be overly dramatic: I hope you all ROT IN HELL!"

- OP

Calm your ass down, it’s strangers in the Internet. You wanted answers tailored to you by a professional, go to therapy.

Again, that wasn’t me. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My kids don’t care about seeing the cousins. We’re happy to go and spend a weekend there if it includes significant time with the grandparents, but at this point my kids don’t want to be around the cousins and their friends for an extended period of time and quite frankly neither do I.

I am not expecting equal treatment. All we would love is a weekend or a day of grandparent time for my kids. Since the grandparents have mingled and traveled throughout the pandemic, I don’t think it would be too much to ask that they stop by our house or coordinate with us so we can come see them (which is harder with the 5 hour drive because the kids are in school, sports, therapy, and we work).

My older son has messaged grandma a few times, but he doesn’t get a response.

I don’t think they don’t want to see the kids because they are a different race, though I am sure it would present issues if we lived there. I think they are really just living their lives with everyone who is local and it’s a out of sight, out of mind situation. Maybe I just need to tell my kids that. We have our lives here and they have their lives there and they don’t have the headspace to think beyond that.

Is your husband the only son? Are the cousins the children of his sisters? This dynamic plays out in a lot of families where local grandparents are closer to the in-town grandkids who may also be their daughter's children. Or grandparents just prefer some kids over others on top of it being out of sight out of mind.

NP but this dynamic plays out with DH's family as well. His parents are super close to and involved with his sister's kids, who live around an hour away. Go to all their games/concerts, take them on weekend getaways, etc. We are much further plus our kids are younger, and it's just a much more distant relationship. FIL retired, then went back to work part-time out of boredom, but that really limited their ability to travel for more than a long weekend and then when he finally retired for good they decided they no longer wanted to fly on an airplane. And we aren't flying there with the kids until they can be vaccinated, so we met them partway for a weekend back in the spring and that's the only time we've seen them for the last two years.