Grandparents not interested - what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be more interested in the cousins! My kids won’t ever have any. I had fantastic memories of growing up with cousins and then later visiting them without my parents.

It’s a bit difficult because the cousins are really tight from spending a lot of time together and doing the same activities. My kids like limited time with them, but feel a little like outsiders. We’ve done things like meet at an amusement park for the day, which work out well. Going there and spending a long weekend with them isn’t great because the cousins have activities and friends and there isn’t much else to do. My kids also feel out of place because they are the only people of color there, and it’s an issue with some of the cousin’s friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live about 5 hours from us and I think at this point we can just write them off as grandparents.
They are kind and fun people and love children. They have 10 grandchildren local to them and do a lot with these kids.
We have not seen them since fall of 2019, first due to Covid and then due to the fact that they weren’t available on days we wanted to visit (other grandkids had sports tournaments or they went camping with them) and they don’t respond when we ask about them visiting us. My DH is at the point where he has stopped offering to visit and stopped asking them to visit.
My kids (13 and 10) ask when they can see their grandparents again and I am not quite sure what to tell them.
My parents live on the other coast and we visit them for several weeks in the summer. DH’s parents are way more fun than mine, so the kids really miss having that relationship.

So...how often do you visit your husband's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live about 5 hours from us and I think at this point we can just write them off as grandparents.
They are kind and fun people and love children. They have 10 grandchildren local to them and do a lot with these kids.
We have not seen them since fall of 2019, first due to Covid and then due to the fact that they weren’t available on days we wanted to visit (other grandkids had sports tournaments or they went camping with them) and they don’t respond when we ask about them visiting us. My DH is at the point where he has stopped offering to visit and stopped asking them to visit.
My kids (13 and 10) ask when they can see their grandparents again and I am not quite sure what to tell them.
My parents live on the other coast and we visit them for several weeks in the summer. DH’s parents are way more fun than mine, so the kids really miss having that relationship.

So...how often do you visit your husband's parents?

Pre-pandemic we would go there twice a year for a long weekend. They would come see us twice a year and stay 2 days each time.

When I see my parents, DH comes for a few days and the kids and I stay longer. My parents are in their 80’s and can’t fly anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

Honestly, yes, we would prefer the grandparents to come here, so they can spend time with my kids and with DH. When they are here, DH golfs with his dad and takes his mom out for a dinner.
When we’re there, it’s mostly about the other kids/ grandkids (which I understand, these kids are part of their daily lives.)

They’re retired, so they have time to travel. They own a large RV and take road trips all the time.

At this point the kids are in school, so we won’t be able to go until winter break anyway. ILs are all at Disney for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have a relationship with my grandparents due to distance for one set and lack of interest from the other set. It's fine. Just move on and find local grandparent substitutes, if you can. Don't chase people who are less than interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

Honestly, yes, we would prefer the grandparents to come here, so they can spend time with my kids and with DH. When they are here, DH golfs with his dad and takes his mom out for a dinner.
When we’re there, it’s mostly about the other kids/ grandkids (which I understand, these kids are part of their daily lives.)

They’re retired, so they have time to travel. They own a large RV and take road trips all the time.

At this point the kids are in school, so we won’t be able to go until winter break anyway. ILs are all at Disney for Thanksgiving.

Why aren't you going to Disney at Txgiving? Not invited or opted out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

Honestly, yes, we would prefer the grandparents to come here, so they can spend time with my kids and with DH. When they are here, DH golfs with his dad and takes his mom out for a dinner.
When we’re there, it’s mostly about the other kids/ grandkids (which I understand, these kids are part of their daily lives.)

They’re retired, so they have time to travel. They own a large RV and take road trips all the time.

At this point the kids are in school, so we won’t be able to go until winter break anyway. ILs are all at Disney for Thanksgiving.

Why aren't you going to Disney at Txgiving? Not invited or opted out?

We were informed that they were going. They would be fine if we came.
We don’t want to for multiple reasons, one that Disney over Thanksgiving sounds miserable, two that we can’t really afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

Honestly, yes, we would prefer the grandparents to come here, so they can spend time with my kids and with DH. When they are here, DH golfs with his dad and takes his mom out for a dinner.
When we’re there, it’s mostly about the other kids/ grandkids (which I understand, these kids are part of their daily lives.)

They’re retired, so they have time to travel. They own a large RV and take road trips all the time.

At this point the kids are in school, so we won’t be able to go until winter break anyway. ILs are all at Disney for Thanksgiving.

Why aren't you going to Disney at Txgiving? Not invited or opted out?

We were informed that they were going. They would be fine if we came.
We don’t want to for multiple reasons, one that Disney over Thanksgiving sounds miserable, two that we can’t really afford it.

So they didn't invite you knowing that you wouldn't go anyway. If your kids got wind of this I can see why they think they are missing out on all the fun with such a big group of cousins all going. If this were my family, I'd make more of an effort to visit and be a part of the fun and make memories, your kids won't be little for too much longer and you don't get a do over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

"And for those of you suggesting the fault is somehow mine or that I might be overly dramatic: I hope you all ROT IN HELL!"

- OP

[Anonymous]

We were the grandkids in your scenario, OP. My parents couldn’t afford to travel frequently to visit the rest of the family or join them on vacations and they all had a tight unit with each other, so no one really went out of their way for us either. It sucked but we learned to move on. The grandparents are now long gone and we only have superficial relationships with our cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live about 5 hours from us and I think at this point we can just write them off as grandparents.
They are kind and fun people and love children. They have 10 grandchildren local to them and do a lot with these kids.
We have not seen them since fall of 2019, first due to Covid and then due to the fact that they weren’t available on days we wanted to visit (other grandkids had sports tournaments or they went camping with them) and they don’t respond when we ask about them visiting us. My DH is at the point where he has stopped offering to visit and stopped asking them to visit.
My kids (13 and 10) ask when they can see their grandparents again and I am not quite sure what to tell them.
My parents live on the other coast and we visit them for several weeks in the summer. DH’s parents are way more fun than mine, so the kids really miss having that relationship.

Why can’t you join the camping weekend or attend the sports tournament also? These are your kids’ cousins, right? Also relationships you want to foster??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

+1 to all of this.

Honestly, yes, we would prefer the grandparents to come here, so they can spend time with my kids and with DH. When they are here, DH golfs with his dad and takes his mom out for a dinner.
When we’re there, it’s mostly about the other kids/ grandkids (which I understand, these kids are part of their daily lives.)

They’re retired, so they have time to travel. They own a large RV and take road trips all the time.

At this point the kids are in school, so we won’t be able to go until winter break anyway. ILs are all at Disney for Thanksgiving.

Why aren't you going to Disney at Txgiving? Not invited or opted out?

We were informed that they were going. They would be fine if we came.
We don’t want to for multiple reasons, one that Disney over Thanksgiving sounds miserable, two that we can’t really afford it.

Honestly, I get the impression that you blow off a lot of family events & holidays, and then are shocked that when you deign to offer a weekend without vetting it first you’re shocked that they are not falling all over themselves to accommodate you. You reap what you sow, OP.

[Anonymous]

My kids are the same age and have seen their grandparents once in the past two years. They are really fun but now also really busy. They always want to see them more. I tell the kids to call, FaceTime, text them and that they can initiate contact too. They often don’t. As for visiting, we joke that grandma and grandpa are super busy with their social lives too now and acting like teenagers themselves in their retirement community down south. Not entirely a joke…

But no one could easily travel the past couple of years with Covid. That’s why we only made it there once last summer. I don’t remember having a ton of quality time with my grandparents but I remember having good relationships with all. And the truth is that my kids are really busy on any average weekend with sports. My parents say they want to come see them play but they aren’t that interested in actually doing so. And that’s okay. I understand.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be making all kinds of excuses for why you are not as interested in the rest of the family as you expect them to be interested in you.


If you want a relationship, you have to put in the effort. You don't. Let it go or step up.