Grandparents not interested - what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

My ILs live about 5 hours from us and I think at this point we can just write them off as grandparents.
They are kind and fun people and love children. They have 10 grandchildren local to them and do a lot with these kids.
We have not seen them since fall of 2019, first due to Covid and then due to the fact that they weren’t available on days we wanted to visit (other grandkids had sports tournaments or they went camping with them) and they don’t respond when we ask about them visiting us. My DH is at the point where he has stopped offering to visit and stopped asking them to visit.
My kids (13 and 10) ask when they can see their grandparents again and I am not quite sure what to tell them.
My parents live on the other coast and we visit them for several weeks in the summer. DH’s parents are way more fun than mine, so the kids really miss having that relationship.

[Anonymous]

The 10 local grandchildren are cousins? Do you see them? Maybe focus on those relationships and hope the grandparents might then re-engage?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to take the lead on this.
Has he just asked his parents what the issue is?

[Anonymous]

suggestion: Can you find something else to do within, say, a one hour radius of the ILs make it a mini vacation? I realize it would be ideal to get to see them a lot after driving five hours but maybe you just see them one or two days of the trip for a small number of hours? It's unfortunate they can't/won't commit more time but maybe that's a way to work around it.

Also, could you guys use Skype more? I know it's not the same as being in person but better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

If your kids were 2 and 5 and hadn't had a lifetime of relationship development with them at this point, I think I'd say whatever and stop trying. But your kids miss their grandparents. There is a relationship that was built and cultivated over a decade.

Do they still talk on the phone? Facetime? I would show up for a weekend. Or I would reach out to the siblings to try to set something up, try to make a family holiday happen. Your kids seeing their grandparents just emotionally disconnect from them permanently would be incredibly hurtful. This is time for DH to call his parents and be really up front about this, 'Mom and Dad, Tommy and Julie really miss you and COVID has been hard on them, we really want to set up a time for you to see them, and its important to the kids, they miss you, what can we make happen in the next month?'

At the end of the day people don't always rise to the occasion, but the people who will be hurt here are burgeoning teens who are age where it is most important/helpful to have a robust healthy and loving network of family behind them.

[Anonymous]

Let your kids call and ask them directly.

[Anonymous]

You haven't seen them in a couple of pandemic years and you're ready to write them off. So dramatic! That being said, 13 and 10 yos are old enough to manage their own relationships with grandparents

[Anonymous]

You are not the center of their universe nor should you be. They sound like they have their own busy lives and plenty of grandchildren orbiting around them. They can’t be everywhere at once and probably want to enjoy their own time for once. I would not make a big deal about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live about 5 hours from us and I think at this point we can just write them off as grandparents.
They are kind and fun people and love children. They have 10 grandchildren local to them and do a lot with these kids.
We have not seen them since fall of 2019, first due to Covid and then due to the fact that they weren’t available on days we wanted to visit (other grandkids had sports tournaments or they went camping with them) and they don’t respond when we ask about them visiting us. My DH is at the point where he has stopped offering to visit and stopped asking them to visit.
My kids (13 and 10) ask when they can see their grandparents again and I am not quite sure what to tell them.
My parents live on the other coast and we visit them for several weeks in the summer. DH’s parents are way more fun than mine, so the kids really miss having that relationship.

Why don't you ask them when they are available? You're ready to write them off because they've been busy the times you've wanted to visit, after a year? Dramatic, much? Do you ever visit your husband's siblings and your kids' cousins? You live five hours away and it sounds like they are very involved grandparents with many grandchildren near them.
Do you just ask them to visit, or do you invite them for specific dates and events? Do you go there for the holidays? Does his family have big gatherings on Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever big holidays they celebrate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids were 2 and 5 and hadn't had a lifetime of relationship development with them at this point, I think I'd say whatever and stop trying. But your kids miss their grandparents. There is a relationship that was built and cultivated over a decade.

Do they still talk on the phone? Facetime? I would show up for a weekend. Or I would reach out to the siblings to try to set something up, try to make a family holiday happen. Your kids seeing their grandparents just emotionally disconnect from them permanently would be incredibly hurtful. This is time for DH to call his parents and be really up front about this, 'Mom and Dad, Tommy and Julie really miss you and COVID has been hard on them, we really want to set up a time for you to see them, and its important to the kids, they miss you, what can we make happen in the next month?'

At the end of the day people don't always rise to the occasion, but the people who will be hurt here are burgeoning teens who are age where it is most important/helpful to have a robust healthy and loving network of family behind them.

+1 to all of this. Ignore the PPs calling you dramatic, OP. I'd be hurt and frustrated by their behavior, especially on behalf of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Concentrate on relationships with cousins, instead. Then they will probably naturally see the grandparents once a while anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Well, all of 2020 needs to be taken off the table. Yes it would have been nice if your kids were a priority in 2021, but it sounds like that didn't happen.

Also, if there are 10 local cousins, don't you ever go visit all of them? My kids would be in heaven visiting. Can you send them to an aunt/uncles house for a week in the summer?

It seems like you really want the grandparents to come to you. If there are 30+ family members 5 hours away, you'll probably need to do the driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your kids call and ask them directly.

GREAT IDEA

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

[Anonymous]

I’d be more interested in the cousins! My kids won’t ever have any. I had fantastic memories of growing up with cousins and then later visiting them without my parents.