Grandparents not interested - what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very apparent that the grandparents prefer to interact as a larger unit including the other grandkids than you would prefer. If you want a relationship with them, then make a better effort to join them at Disney or whatever. Otherwise, just encourage your kids to call them from time to time, and maintain an open door to your home for whenever the grandparents would like to visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

"And for those of you suggesting the fault is somehow mine or that I might be overly dramatic: I hope you all ROT IN HELL!"

- OP

Wow. Now I can see why they don’t want to visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those with helpful responses.

"And for those of you suggesting the fault is somehow mine or that I might be overly dramatic: I hope you all ROT IN HELL!"

- OP

Wow. Now I can see why they don’t want to visit you.

Op here. That post was not me.

[Anonymous]

OP, in reading one of your earlier posts, how much of these issues (or your upset feelings) are about the fact that some of the cousins' friends have an issue with your kids being people of color? I missed that, but it would be understandable if you didn't want to go out of your way with the cousins because of that issue.

It's appalling and it also sounds like your ILs haven't said or done much about it. In which case, I'm sorry. I don't think you're being dramatic--these things are hard and painful.

[Anonymous]

How is your DH's relationship with his siblings? Does he talk this stuff over with them?

And that's awful that your kids are treated differently, even more so as the only kids of color. Not okay at all.

[Anonymous]

So all of you assholes are going to ignore the fact that her kids are POC?! OP your DH needs to ask his parents straight up why his kids are treated differently but I think we know the answer. Hugs to you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all of you assholes are going to ignore the fact that her kids are POC?! OP your DH needs to ask his parents straight up why his kids are treated differently but I think we know the answer. Hugs to you and your kids.

Interesting that you leapt to that conclusion when OP hasn't said anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Your kids ask their grandparents when they can see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you assholes are going to ignore the fact that her kids are POC?! OP your DH needs to ask his parents straight up why his kids are treated differently but I think we know the answer. Hugs to you and your kids.

Interesting that you leapt to that conclusion when OP hasn't said anything like that.

OP did mention it, but also said that it’s the friends of the cousins that have problems with that, not the family themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of you assholes are going to ignore the fact that her kids are POC?! OP your DH needs to ask his parents straight up why his kids are treated differently but I think we know the answer. Hugs to you and your kids.

Interesting that you leapt to that conclusion when OP hasn't said anything like that.

OP did mention it, but also said that it’s the friends of the cousins that have problems with that, not the family themselves.

DP, and one who also brought it up: but can you not see what a problem that is? We're white, and if my kids had cousins who were POC, there's no way in hell I would tolerate friends of my children being racist towards members of our family (or anyone). Nope. No, thank you. Like, what in the actual f? The family tolerating that garbage is a problem itself.

[Anonymous]

OP if your husband and his family white, and you are black or some other race?

And your husband's family all stayed in the same town where his parents live? But your husband moved away, and married "out of the tribe"?

Do you feel his parents accept you? Accept the kids? Or are punishing them because your husband moved away and married someone not of the same race? Do they feel you just aren't part of the family and aren't worth prioritizing?

Or are they just busy with the kids who live in town?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your husband and his family white, and you are black or some other race?

And your husband's family all stayed in the same town where his parents live? But your husband moved away, and married "out of the tribe"?

Do you feel his parents accept you? Accept the kids? Or are punishing them because your husband moved away and married someone not of the same race? Do they feel you just aren't part of the family and aren't worth prioritizing?

Or are they just busy with the kids who live in town?

This is the real question here.OP, you dropped that info late in the game. Do you not feel it is relevant to the issue or are you perhaps trying to deny it to yourself? Cousins friends display racist attitudes, and PPs don’t think those feelings may be in the family as well? If you were not prejudiced, would you bring prejudice friends around your relatives? Would you have prejudiced friends? Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

My kids don’t care about seeing the cousins. We’re happy to go and spend a weekend there if it includes significant time with the grandparents, but at this point my kids don’t want to be around the cousins and their friends for an extended period of time and quite frankly neither do I.

I am not expecting equal treatment. All we would love is a weekend or a day of grandparent time for my kids. Since the grandparents have mingled and traveled throughout the pandemic, I don’t think it would be too much to ask that they stop by our house or coordinate with us so we can come see them (which is harder with the 5 hour drive because the kids are in school, sports, therapy, and we work).

My older son has messaged grandma a few times, but he doesn’t get a response.

I don’t think they don’t want to see the kids because they are a different race, though I am sure it would present issues if we lived there. I think they are really just living their lives with everyone who is local and it’s a out of sight, out of mind situation. Maybe I just need to tell my kids that. We have our lives here and they have their lives there and they don’t have the headspace to think beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My kids don’t care about seeing the cousins. We’re happy to go and spend a weekend there if it includes significant time with the grandparents, but at this point my kids don’t want to be around the cousins and their friends for an extended period of time and quite frankly neither do I.

I am not expecting equal treatment. All we would love is a weekend or a day of grandparent time for my kids. Since the grandparents have mingled and traveled throughout the pandemic, I don’t think it would be too much to ask that they stop by our house or coordinate with us so we can come see them (which is harder with the 5 hour drive because the kids are in school, sports, therapy, and we work).

My older son has messaged grandma a few times, but he doesn’t get a response.

I don’t think they don’t want to see the kids because they are a different race, though I am sure it would present issues if we lived there. I think they are really just living their lives with everyone who is local and it’s a out of sight, out of mind situation. Maybe I just need to tell my kids that. We have our lives here and they have their lives there and they don’t have the headspace to think beyond that.

Is your husband the only son? Are the cousins the children of his sisters? This dynamic plays out in a lot of families where local grandparents are closer to the in-town grandkids who may also be their daughter's children. Or grandparents just prefer some kids over others on top of it being out of sight out of mind.

[Anonymous]

Son messaged grandma a few times and did not get a response…unacceptable. Unless her phone doesn’t work, unacceptable. And race maybe an issue if you lived close??? OP your husband needs to nip this in the stem (pass the bud stage already). I believe you said Hubby is ready to write them off. Well I think he should have a come to Jesus meeting before that. Don’t ghost my children.