DD12 missed a lot fo school this year due to stomach aches

[Anonymous]

Also headaches and sore throats. They usually clear up on their own by afternoon, and sometimes I wonder if she's just playing me, or exaggerating minor ailments, and other times I feel like something must be seriously wrong. Her doctor has not come up with anything concrete yet. She has a lot of friends at school, and no recent friendship drama, so it's not that, but the academic pressure may be getting to her. Her grades have suffered, and I'm debating whether to email her teachers and ask for help or special accommodations. What could they offer? And would it hurt her in the long run to be "labeled"? Has anyone dealt with something like this and how did you handle it?

[Anonymous]

Tell her you are very sorry that she isn't feeling well (validate her feelings -- very important, otherwise she'll set out to "prove" to you she's really sick) and send her to school anyway. Tell her you will give her tea or hot cocoa or something like that when she gets home.

My DD was like this. She would do a kind of inventory of her body and latch on to something that was wrong. "I have a headache." "I don't feel well." She really would feel these things but she also really didn't want to go to school. So I developed the rule that unless she had a fever or was vomiting she had to go. And by noon she always felt better, and the mystery illnesses stopped. There doesn't have to be a reason (though my DD did have anxiety) school aversion starts small and grows.

You have already gotten her checked out by a doctor. There's nothing wrong with her. You should not be focusing on accommodations, you should be sending her to school. You've already let this go to far and its become an ingrained behavior.

Again, she really feels these things, so validate her feelings. But feelings these things serves a purpose. Don;t feed that purpose. She will only feel better when it no longer serves that purpose.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Validate but send her to school. One of my kids suffers from anxiety and school is a huge precipitator of the anxiety. I can always tell what classes are most difficult because I will get calls from the school nurse that he is sick. Unless he is running a fever I tell them to send him back to class.

[Anonymous]

She is playing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you are very sorry that she isn't feeling well (validate her feelings -- very important, otherwise she'll set out to "prove" to you she's really sick) and send her to school anyway. Tell her you will give her tea or hot cocoa or something like that when she gets home.

My DD was like this. She would do a kind of inventory of her body and latch on to something that was wrong. "I have a headache." "I don't feel well." She really would feel these things but she also really didn't want to go to school. So I developed the rule that unless she had a fever or was vomiting she had to go. And by noon she always felt better, and the mystery illnesses stopped. There doesn't have to be a reason (though my DD did have anxiety) school aversion starts small and grows.

You have already gotten her checked out by a doctor. There's nothing wrong with her. You should not be focusing on accommodations, you should be sending her to school. You've already let this go to far and its become an ingrained behavior.

Again, she really feels these things, so validate her feelings. But feelings these things serves a purpose. Don;t feed that purpose. She will only feel better when it no longer serves that purpose.

Thank you for your response. You are right that I may have been "feeding her purpose" too much. But I have tried sending her to school anyway, and by afternoon she is in the nurses office. Or she comes home looking really ill and sleeps the rest of the day. Now it is entirely possible that this is just anxiety or even laziness, but just because the doctor was not able to come up with anything after examining her a few times, I'm not ready to conclude that "nothing is wrong". Unfortunately, from what I've heard, vague ailments like this can be incredibly hard to diagnose, and even when there is a diagnosis, there aren't necessarily any effective treatments.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety. My daughter developed severe anxiety when she started middle school. Our rule is she has to go to school everyday unless she is vomiting or has a fever. Anxiety is a disability if it interferes with school so your daughter might qualify for a 504 with accommodations but it's a lengthy process and takes months to get in place. The first step would be having her evaluated by a mental health professional. Once that is accomplished, you can request the 504. You're probably looking at the end of the school year before supports are in place. But do it anyway if you think she needs them. It will make next year so much better.

Just keep in mind that stress due to academic pressure doesn't qualify a child for supports. A child with an existing mental health issue who can't advocate for themselves in school or is too anxious to focus is different from a child who is being pushed to do work that is too accelerated or earn straight As. For example, a child who is under stress because mom expects a 4.0 and/or algebra in 7th grade and develops stomach aches as a result would not qualify.

I hope you figure it out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you are very sorry that she isn't feeling well (validate her feelings -- very important, otherwise she'll set out to "prove" to you she's really sick) and send her to school anyway. Tell her you will give her tea or hot cocoa or something like that when she gets home.

My DD was like this. She would do a kind of inventory of her body and latch on to something that was wrong. "I have a headache." "I don't feel well." She really would feel these things but she also really didn't want to go to school. So I developed the rule that unless she had a fever or was vomiting she had to go. And by noon she always felt better, and the mystery illnesses stopped. There doesn't have to be a reason (though my DD did have anxiety) school aversion starts small and grows.

You have already gotten her checked out by a doctor. There's nothing wrong with her. You should not be focusing on accommodations, you should be sending her to school. You've already let this go to far and its become an ingrained behavior.

Again, she really feels these things, so validate her feelings. But feelings these things serves a purpose. Don;t feed that purpose. She will only feel better when it no longer serves that purpose.

Thank you for your response. You are right that I may have been "feeding her purpose" too much. But I have tried sending her to school anyway, and by afternoon she is in the nurses office. Or she comes home looking really ill and sleeps the rest of the day. Now it is entirely possible that this is just anxiety or even laziness, but just because the doctor was not able to come up with anything after examining her a few times, I'm not ready to conclude that "nothing is wrong". Unfortunately, from what I've heard, vague ailments like this can be incredibly hard to diagnose, and even when there is a diagnosis, there aren't necessarily any effective treatments.

Number one, make sure she is getting enough sleep. The doc could be wrong so ask for a very thorough exam if you suspect illness. Beyond that, if your daughter stays home she must be in her room. No tv or electronics all day. No after school activities. If complaining of a stomach ache, serve a bland diet. Take away anything that can possibly be making home more comfortable than school. I say this based on your doc not finding evidence of illness. If after making staying home as boring as possible, she's still complaining, ask the doc for blood work. If you suspect she's malingering, share your concerns with the school health room staff. Tell them not to call unless there are obvious signs of illness.

I was much like your daughter in middle school. It worsened the more I was allowed to stay home. My issue was gym class. See if you can find a pattern for when she shows up at the health room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

I posted above about my daughter who started refusing to go to school in 6th grade. I say exactly the same thing! The discomfort is real but she has to go to school.

[Anonymous]

My DD, who has literally not a care in the world and zero anxiety, suffered similarly. She's actually passed out (maybe from the pain), goes ghost white and can go into a deep deep sleep for 16 hours at a stretch. We've been to every doctor and she's had every test. She's a senior in high school and it's still not good and undiagnosed. Very frustrating for sure.

[Anonymous]

I have kids in college and one still at home - All of the above anxiety issues could very well be true. But I think the posters are probably overthinking. It's more likely that your kid would rather stay home in her warm bed than go to school. And who wouldn't? She may very well have a stomach ache or a sore throat. If I stop and think about it, I can find something that hurts pretty much all the time. My nose is all stuffed up right now.

Tell her you are sorry she doesn't feel her best (I wouldn't use the word "sick"). And send her to school. Remind her that life goes on even when we aren't feeling 100%. Trust that if she truly gets sick at school, you'll get a phone call. If she is throwing up, has diarrhea, or is running a fever she stays home. Otherwise, off she goes with a kiss and a cheerful "have a great day"!

I'll add with a girl, when she gets older be sensitive to period pain and heavy flow. In my mind, that really can be a reason to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Since it's actually impacting her grades I would definitely try to cut down on the absences. I'm pretty permissive with my kids in this regard, and I give them a lot of leeway to determine their own sick days, but only if they are managing their absences carefully and they are carrying all A's. If one of those conditions started to slip, I would crack down and come up with a stricter policy.

I would suggest you seek a fell physical from her physician, and consider whether you might need to look into her mental health and the anxiety possibility.

If neither of those turns up anything, I would go with a rule where she can only stay home with a fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and possibly feminine issues if her time of the month is particularly bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

I posted above about my daughter who started refusing to go to school in 6th grade. I say exactly the same thing! The discomfort is real but she has to go to school.

I'm 7:54 and I agree that this is an excellent description of the dynamic.

OP, you have taken her to several doctors. It looks to me like you are focused on finding out what "it" is rather than taking what feels to you like a more confrontational approach. But listen to so many of us who have seen this exact same dynamic with our kids. You have been reenforcing the behavior and you cannot stop it this way. Frankly if you go the way of accommodations, you will only send the signal to her that this is the way tog et out of things, and she will take this pattern through the rest of her life, to very destructive effect. You need to fix it now. I am not saying she's faking. As PP said, we can all find a physical ailment at any time and hyperfocusing on it will always make it feel worse. Thats a brain thing and you need to retrain her brain.

Sit her down and give her ground rules. Say that you are so sorry that she feels unwell so much of the time but she has to go to school anyway and just suck it in. Tell her that unless she has a fever she's going to school and staying there. And that means if she ends up in the nurses office. I went through that with calls from the nurses office and I just refused to pick DD up. Within an hour she was better. If you have to call the nurse ahead of time to get her on board with the ground rules, do so. And if your DD comes home and goes to bed, let her rest for a bit, tell her its OK, and then get her up after an hour or two to do homework.

The fact that when she stays home she feels better by afternoon should tell you something. You have indulged the problem and that will only set her up for problems in life. Stop with the doctors and dig in. You'll be surprised by how soon this stops when you stop indulging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like anxiety. My daughter developed severe anxiety when she started middle school. Our rule is she has to go to school everyday unless she is vomiting or has a fever. Anxiety is a disability if it interferes with school so your daughter might qualify for a 504 with accommodations but it's a lengthy process and takes months to get in place. The first step would be having her evaluated by a mental health professional. Once that is accomplished, you can request the 504. You're probably looking at the end of the school year before supports are in place. But do it anyway if you think she needs them. It will make next year so much better.

Just keep in mind that stress due to academic pressure doesn't qualify a child for supports. A child with an existing mental health issue who can't advocate for themselves in school or is too anxious to focus is different from a child who is being pushed to do work that is too accelerated or earn straight As. For example, a child who is under stress because mom expects a 4.0 and/or algebra in 7th grade and develops stomach aches as a result would not qualify.

I hope you figure it out. Good luck!

+1. Fever over 100.5 or vomiting confirmed by parent, and you get to stay home.

Even when you get to stay home, there is no TV or screen time. And, you have to be working on the homework or classwork that you are missing in school.

Same with nurse's office. Can go to nurse's office for up to 20 minutes. However, if there is no fever and no vomiting, nurse should send child back to class.

Meanwhile, journal the stomach aches/head aches/feelings of illness for at least three weeks to 2 months every day. Record food intake, feelings of illness (both somatic and emotional), menstrual cycle, and overall mood state.

If illness persists, go back to pediatrician to investigate, then to gastroenterologists, then to psychiatrist (if no somatic diagnosis).

Also, if the diagnosis seems to be headed in the direction of anxiety, it's worth getting a full neuropsych to understand whether there are any underlying learning problems (learning disability, ADD/Inattentive, Slow Processing Speed, Executive Dysfunction, etc.) that are contributing to the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also headaches and sore throats. They usually clear up on their own by afternoon, and sometimes I wonder if she's just playing me, or exaggerating minor ailments, and other times I feel like something must be seriously wrong. Her doctor has not come up with anything concrete yet. She has a lot of friends at school, and no recent friendship drama, so it's not that, but the academic pressure may be getting to her. Her grades have suffered, and I'm debating whether to email her teachers and ask for help or special accommodations. What could they offer? And would it hurt her in the long run to be "labeled"? Has anyone dealt with something like this and how did you handle it?

Are you serious? Your kid complains of stomach pains and sore throats all the time. Sounds like she has missed a lot of school because of it and you want to email her teachers and ask for special accommodations? You can not be serious.

Send them to school unless they have a fever, throwing up, diarrhea, or an obvious head/chest cold. Otherwise, give them some Advil and say have a nice day at school. Your kid needs to learn to suck it up and you need to learn to stop coddling.