how much should i interfere in my kids' friendships? 6 yr old DD

[Anonymous]

DD is 6 and in KG and her bestie, larla, (from preschool) is a great kid - smart and confident and creative and sweet, but bossy and exclusive. DD has been her best friend since they joined preschool. Larla makes a huge point to leave other kids out and play only wit hDD - which was a problem in preschool ("you can't play with us. you're not best friends with us" - which the preschool teachers addressed) and has continued, since we meet up with a lot of our old preschool friends (most of us have 2nd and third children at the preschool). I am always the one reprimanding my DD for being mean when it's Larla who says stuff like "Sorry, Darlene, we're playing a game for only two kids. YOU can't play. Too bad for you" and "Sorry, Darlene, the secret is for bestie and me only." (The reason I reprimand my DD if b/c she goes along with Larla. And I once saw Darlene burst into tears and that was totally unacceptable to me)

I have tried prepping DD for events when there will be more kids - so that she is aware that I expect her to be kind to everyone. I' ve always talked about how she can be best friends with Larla and have secrets, but that she can't make other people feel bad about that. I think she gets it. Yesterday, when my DD, Larla, and Darlene were together, I saw my DD go out of her way to help Darlene when she tripped and fell and I told her right away (quietly) that I was proud.

Larla also has a lot of stuff. Her parents are actually very modest and truly wonderful people, but the kid lacks for NOTHING. She gets (very expensive) toys ALL the time, it seems to be on a daily basis. And she kind of seems to rub that into my DD - "I got 2 new shopkins yesterday and my mommy ordered me the new princess Anna dress - have you seen it? It's new - Disney just came out with it."" (the tone makes it even more braggy). Interestingly, I think our HHI is double Larla's, but we have much less stuff.

So, do i interfere and limit their contact? Or is that way too much helicoptering? Maybe she should learn to deal with all different people without so much of my oversight...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DD is 6 and in KG and her bestie, larla, (from preschool) is a great kid - smart and confident and creative and sweet, but bossy and exclusive. DD has been her best friend since they joined preschool. Larla makes a huge point to leave other kids out and play only wit hDD - which was a problem in preschool ("you can't play with us. you're not best friends with us" - which the preschool teachers addressed) and has continued, since we meet up with a lot of our old preschool friends (most of us have 2nd and third children at the preschool). I am always the one reprimanding my DD for being mean when it's Larla who says stuff like "Sorry, Darlene, we're playing a game for only two kids. YOU can't play. Too bad for you" and "Sorry, Darlene, the secret is for bestie and me only." (The reason I reprimand my DD if b/c she goes along with Larla. And I once saw Darlene burst into tears and that was totally unacceptable to me)

I have tried prepping DD for events when there will be more kids - so that she is aware that I expect her to be kind to everyone. I' ve always talked about how she can be best friends with Larla and have secrets, but that she can't make other people feel bad about that. I think she gets it. Yesterday, when my DD, Larla, and Darlene were together, I saw my DD go out of her way to help Darlene when she tripped and fell and I told her right away (quietly) that I was proud.

Larla also has a lot of stuff. Her parents are actually very modest and truly wonderful people, but the kid lacks for NOTHING. She gets (very expensive) toys ALL the time, it seems to be on a daily basis. And she kind of seems to rub that into my DD - "I got 2 new shopkins yesterday and my mommy ordered me the new princess Anna dress - have you seen it? It's new - Disney just came out with it."" (the tone makes it even more braggy). Interestingly, I think our HHI is double Larla's, but we have much less stuff.

So, do i interfere and limit their contact? Or is that way too much helicoptering? Maybe she should learn to deal with all different people without so much of my oversight...

I'm not sure I can offer any real advice other than buckle up and get ready for the ride. This kind of stuff is very common among girls all thru school and honestly- all thru adulthood. Is it really any different than DCUM behavior? I would encourage my daughter to expand her circle of friends, help her build relationships rather than rely on an insufferable bitch to define who is in her circle, and prepare for your daughter's inevitable ouster from the insufferable bitch's little club.

Its just starting and it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

OP here: so, what do you do?
just keep telling your kid to be kind?
or start actively avoiding the mean girls?

i was the totally excluded kid, so i only know that role.

[Anonymous]

I would start exploring "what makes a good friend" with your DD. How does a good friend make you feel? What are the characteristics that you want in a friend. I did this with my DD at about this age and it seemed to help quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

PP here-- I would also get her involved on a team or activity where besties is not there so she can have experience making other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here-- I would also get her involved on a team or activity where besties is not there so she can have experience making other friends.

op here: they are at different schools, so we do some activities together - but i see the point in having separate activities

[Anonymous]

Avoid spending with with Larla in groups of three. Three kids together is always tough, and in this case you know that the third will be excluded.

Specify to DD that when they're in a group situation, 2-player games are unfair because they exclude other kids. Help her brainstorm alternatives--games for more kids, or ways of rotating kids in and out of the 2-person activity.

Set up one-on-one playdates with other girls whom you and your daughter like.

If they're in school together, consider requesting that they be in different classes. This way they'll both expand their social circles.

If your DD repeats Larla's bragging about stuff, you can talk about whether that's a kind thing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: so, what do you do?
just keep telling your kid to be kind?
or start actively avoiding the mean girls?

i was the totally excluded kid, so i only know that role.

My daughter is 14 and I want to apologize for being overly snarky. We talk about behaviors, not really focusing on the person. I certainly wouldn't advise calling the girl an insufferable little bitch but when she's excluding girls from the group, I'd ask some probing questions, say that I disagree with how she's acting, say what I think is the right way, and just discuss my values. If she's really being mean, I'd point out that I think she's being mean and don't want my daughter to act like that. Ask your daughter how the other kids felt when treated this way. Ask your daughter if SHE likes the other kid and try to separate her feelings from the little ringleader.

On the other hand, I don't think kids need to be friends with everyone. If your daughter just doesn't like somebody, its totally fine to not have that person in her circle of friends. But that doesn't sound like what you're describing. What you're describing sounds like the "cool kids clique". You knew these kids in high school and you're probably seeing one develop in kindergarten.

In short, its just starting. We try to focus on our kids making decisions and developing friendships on their own and not relying on other people to define themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: so, what do you do?
just keep telling your kid to be kind?
or start actively avoiding the mean girls?

i was the totally excluded kid, so i only know that role.

My daughter is 14 and I want to apologize for being overly snarky. We talk about behaviors, not really focusing on the person. I certainly wouldn't advise calling the girl an insufferable little bitch but when she's excluding girls from the group, I'd ask some probing questions, say that I disagree with how she's acting, say what I think is the right way, and just discuss my values. If she's really being mean, I'd point out that I think she's being mean and don't want my daughter to act like that. Ask your daughter how the other kids felt when treated this way. Ask your daughter if SHE likes the other kid and try to separate her feelings from the little ringleader.

On the other hand, I don't think kids need to be friends with everyone. If your daughter just doesn't like somebody, its totally fine to not have that person in her circle of friends. But that doesn't sound like what you're describing. What you're describing sounds like the "cool kids clique". You knew these kids in high school and you're probably seeing one develop in kindergarten.

In short, its just starting. We try to focus on our kids making decisions and developing friendships on their own and not relying on other people to define themselves.

thanks. that's very helpful.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider in a few years is reading through some of the female archetypes in that "Queen Bees and Wannabes" book out loud with your daughter and ask her which one she most identifies with. I found that helpful for DD when she was around 5-6th grade. You could look at it now for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: so, what do you do?
just keep telling your kid to be kind?
or start actively avoiding the mean girls?

i was the totally excluded kid, so i only know that role.

My DD was friends with a bragger. I taught her to flat out say "You sound like you're bragging. Other kids aren't going to like you if you brag so much." It worked.

[Anonymous]

Praise your daughter whenever she is inclusive and kind. Encourage friendships with other girls at school and get DD involved in activities where she can make new friends. Share your own stories about how it felt to be excluded. Have faith the DD and Larla will likely drift apart over time anyway. But be careful not to harp on Larla as a bad influence -- that will only make her friendship more desirable in DD's eyes as a sign of her growing independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Praise your daughter whenever she is inclusive and kind. Encourage friendships with other girls at school and get DD involved in activities where she can make new friends. Share your own stories about how it felt to be excluded. Have faith the DD and Larla will likely drift apart over time anyway. But be careful not to harp on Larla as a bad influence -- that will only make her friendship more desirable in DD's eyes as a sign of her growing independence.

OP here: i really like Larla. I feel very torn about "letting them drift." I just wish her mom were a bit more hands-on - she's of the school of thought "kids are kids - they need to work it out. someone is always going to be bossy and someone is always going to get bossed around and every kid will be both ends at some point" - which i agree with, except that little Larla is turning into the Queen Bee big time.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend reading the book "Little Girls Can Be Man" It has some good suggestions for navigating this, including some exercise for you to do with you DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd recommend reading the book "Little Girls Can Be Man" It has some good suggestions for navigating this, including some exercise for you to do with you DD.

That should be Little Girls Can Be Mean