how much should i interfere in my kids' friendships? 6 yr old DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise your daughter whenever she is inclusive and kind. Encourage friendships with other girls at school and get DD involved in activities where she can make new friends. Share your own stories about how it felt to be excluded. Have faith the DD and Larla will likely drift apart over time anyway. But be careful not to harp on Larla as a bad influence -- that will only make her friendship more desirable in DD's eyes as a sign of her growing independence.

OP here: i really like Larla. I feel very torn about "letting them drift." I just wish her mom were a bit more hands-on - she's of the school of thought "kids are kids - they need to work it out. someone is always going to be bossy and someone is always going to get bossed around and every kid will be both ends at some point" - which i agree with, except that little Larla is turning into the Queen Bee big time.

OP based on what you said there really isn't a lot to like about Larla. She's a mean exclusive child. I would totally point out Larla's behaviors and do whatever I could to distance my child from her. She's turn her back on your DD one day or worse yet, she'll become a follower. Either way, that's not the way I would want to raise my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DD is 6 and in KG and her bestie, larla, (from preschool) is a great kid - smart and confident and creative and sweet, but bossy and exclusive. DD has been her best friend since they joined preschool. Larla makes a huge point to leave other kids out and play only wit hDD - which was a problem in preschool ("you can't play with us. you're not best friends with us" - which the preschool teachers addressed) and has continued, since we meet up with a lot of our old preschool friends (most of us have 2nd and third children at the preschool). I am always the one reprimanding my DD for being mean when it's Larla who says stuff like "Sorry, Darlene, we're playing a game for only two kids. YOU can't play. Too bad for you" and "Sorry, Darlene, the secret is for bestie and me only." (The reason I reprimand my DD if b/c she goes along with Larla. And I once saw Darlene burst into tears and that was totally unacceptable to me)

I have tried prepping DD for events when there will be more kids - so that she is aware that I expect her to be kind to everyone. I' ve always talked about how she can be best friends with Larla and have secrets, but that she can't make other people feel bad about that. I think she gets it. Yesterday, when my DD, Larla, and Darlene were together, I saw my DD go out of her way to help Darlene when she tripped and fell and I told her right away (quietly) that I was proud.

Larla also has a lot of stuff. Her parents are actually very modest and truly wonderful people, but the kid lacks for NOTHING. She gets (very expensive) toys ALL the time, it seems to be on a daily basis. And she kind of seems to rub that into my DD - "I got 2 new shopkins yesterday and my mommy ordered me the new princess Anna dress - have you seen it? It's new - Disney just came out with it."" (the tone makes it even more braggy). Interestingly, I think our HHI is double Larla's, but we have much less stuff.

So, do i interfere and limit their contact? Or is that way too much helicoptering? Maybe she should learn to deal with all different people without so much of my oversight...

At 6, my DD had a best friend just like that all the way down to the new toys and bragging and having modest parents. Over the years though, my opinion has changed. Along the way she became fun, outgoing, and is the first to share what she has and always the first to include others. She is still a bigger bragger though but hey that's how some people are.

[Anonymous]

DD had a friend who started to exclude all of the other girls. Late in the school year, she switched friends, and started excluding DD. DD was new at school, so she did not have a deep group of friends to draw from to begin with, so it was tough.

The following school year, we had a "no BFF" rule. She had to find a group of friends, and never just one. It worked, as she built some enduring friendships, navigated some controlling ones, helped bring other kids "in", and everyone had a most wonderful time in 2nd grade. The "no BFF" rule stands in our home, and my son, now at that same age, is adopting it as well. Boys can play the same mean games, I find, but my son will be more prepared than DD was.