Friends, how to combat bitterness and rancor while divorce pending

[Anonymous]

I really can't stand this guy but have to deal with him on a daily basis because of young teen child. The anger and bitterness about what a jerk he is in all of our communication is tearing me up.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry you are going through this! Unfortunately I don't have any advice on this, only sympathy. Maybe a therapist could help give you some strategies for dealing with him?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the thing that helped me was realizing (and being told by the therapist who helped us create our visitation schedule) that he was bipolar. When I started thinking of him as mentally ill, some of the anger changed to pity.

For me, I was able to handle the crap that he did to me without getting too worked up. However, the crap he pulled on my son (missed visitation, canceling at the last minute, not taking him at all over vacations, moving to another city, etc.) was always hard to handle.

If there is a way to really limit the interactions, that would be helpful. I refused to talk by phone and by text. When he had to communicate with me only by email, it allowed me to save all the records of our interactions. When he did send me nasty texts, I took screen shots of them and saved them. I kept a log of all visitations (late pick ups, cancelations and early drop offs) so that if custody became an issue, I would have a record of the problems.

It's not easy. It has gotten better since the divorce became final (less things to argue about or worry about), but I still don't like to spend time with him at all.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PP. Limiting interactions and keeping them in writing only is probably the best way to go. However I'm still too involved and keep checking for emails/texts from him even though they inevitably make my blood boil. WTH is wrong with me??? I also keep writing responses to his crap, though I don't send them thank g*d. I read somewhere that it's best to think of the relationship as if it's a work colleague. Can't seem to manage that. I've been to therapists but haven't found anyone that helps much.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't figure out how to combat the bitterness or the control I would lose if I divorced so I am sticking it out for now. It's miserable. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is get a good therapist and DETACH. Limit all interactions to emails, which can be documented.

It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't figure out how to combat the bitterness or the control I would lose if I divorced so I am sticking it out for now. It's miserable. Good luck.

Yeah, I was there for years. I hope you can find a way out. Life is so much better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PP. Limiting interactions and keeping them in writing only is probably the best way to go. However I'm still too involved and keep checking for emails/texts from him even though they inevitably make my blood boil. WTH is wrong with me??? I also keep writing responses to his crap, though I don't send them thank g*d. I read somewhere that it's best to think of the relationship as if it's a work colleague. Can't seem to manage that. I've been to therapists but haven't found anyone that helps much.

OP, here's an idea. Write yourself a love letter via email. Imagine you have the fantasy boyfriend, the guy who notices everything that is most awesome about you, who knows how hard everything is for you right now, who appreciates all you are doing to keep your life together and take care of your son. Write to yourself what he would write to you. Then set it to arrive later in the day. When it arrives, sit down and really read it. Then write back. Write yourself another email tomorrow morning, same thing.

Do this one week, every single day.

Try it today, seriously. Write back here after you get the email and tell us how it felt.

[Anonymous]

This is what I'm doing, and I can't say I'm without bitterness, but I'm trying:

-Reaching out to friends and family and spending lots of time doing the social stuff that spouse never wanted to do
-Challenged myself to do at least one kind thing for another person (not including my own child) each day
-If I hear something from ex that makes me mad, or I find myself stuck on thinking about ex, I do at least 10 pushups (I think my arms are going to look really good by spring)
-therapy
-Therapists suggestion is that if you find yourself getting really angry, set aside some period of time in your day (15 minutes, 1/2 hour) during which you are free to think and write about that stuff. If you find yourself thinking about it at other times, tell yourself to put it aside until your set time (it's very hard to do)
-Don't engage, don't ask, it doesn't matter if you are right, don't engage (this is really hard)
-you are no longer ex's friend, social support, sounding board, problem solver. Only respond to messages specifically about your child. Don't engage ex in any other topics.
-get a hobby (I'm trying new stuff and meeting new people and staying busy-aside from ex I feel happier than I have in years)

[Anonymous]

1) email only
2) wait to respond
3) if you have a friend who can filter your replies for you, making the language neutral, that would be a big help.