Would you pursue this?

[Anonymous]

I wasn't sure where to put this, but family sadly seems to the the right place.

When DD was born, during labor, I found out that my cervix was scarred. I hadn't had any checks until then, and my midwife later said she had only seen scarring like that with women that had cone biopsies - or were abused. I'd never had an cervical surgeries. During labor she asked if anyone had ever hurt me, because I was having a hard time with the checks and pushing and the pain. I do assume she'd had experience with abused women before.

I also, for as long as I can remember, had been afraid of sex. We waited until after marriage, and although our sex life is just fine, I know being willing to wait that long is not normal. I put off pelvic exams util pregnancy because I was so afraid of them. And declined cervical checks. I couldn't stand being that exposed. Also not normal.

You see where this is going.

I have no memories of any kind of abuse, but so many question marks have come up lately that I wonder. Is this something I should start asking questions about? I know families have secrets - am I overthinking or could something have happened to me? Do I pursue it or let it be?

[Anonymous]

Before you do anything, please, talk to your ob/gyn. The delivery nurse -- who likely will never see you again in your life -- may say one thing, and you might find that your doctor says there could be other reasons for this scarring that have nothing to do with abuse.

For the nurse to say the sole reasons are either one type of procedure or sexual abuse is pretty black and white; before you start to eat yourself up worrying if you were abused, please, get another opinion from someone else you trust, and who has examined you for years.

I'm not saying this nurse was wrong, but I'm saying you need to take a deep breath and not assume that what she said was entirely the only possible circumstance for this condition, ever. She may only know of two reasons for this. That does not mean there are no other possible explanations.

You said that "so many question marks have come up lately" regarding abuse -- do you mean you, yourself, have other things besides this nurse's comment that make you suspicious? Or are you referring just to how her comment has concerned you?

I do hope you will now get regular pelvic exams. You have a baby who needs you to be healthy, and if you go back to refusing exams (and I assume not getting PAP smears?) you are risking missing things that could take you away from your child forever. I would first talk to my ob/gyn about this nurse's comment (which may be unnecessarily feeding your overall fear of anyone but your husband touching you even medically) and then I might explore whether you need some therapy to help you overcome whatever makes you so afraid that you won't get even basic health care. But don't go in assuming that you were abused or seeking to dig out abuse that might not be there; first, get the medical advice straight.

I really hope you get this worked out in your mind and that all is well!

[Anonymous]

PP here, sorry, should have said midwife instead of delivery nurse. But still think you need to talk to your ob/gyn. The midwife might not know every reason here.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. She gave you excellent advice.

I wanted to add: no woman looks forward to their pelvic exam. None. We all do it because it is needed for being healthy, but we all feel exposed and vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

It could be from pap smears. Some people are just very prone to scarring, even from minor things. Agree you should get a second opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be from pap smears. Some people are just very prone to scarring, even from minor things. Agree you should get a second opinion.

I never had one prior to my 6 week pp one.

I did talk to the OB during that appointment and she said that the scarring had been minimized by the dilation. She didn't think anything of it during labor when she checked (only once) because she assumed I'd had a LEEP or biopsy or something.

So I guess it's a dead end.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that a midwife said that she had only seen scarring like that from sexual abuse (or cone biopsies) is not indicative that you were sexually abused. That's her experienced. Or, she could be just plain wrong.

Please, as another poster suggested, see a qualified OB/GYN. There are many reasons for cervical scarring. To attribute to an offhand remark the notion that you were sexually abused is a huge leap.

You don't need this on your mind and it was unfair of her to tell you that. She is unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't sure where to put this, but family sadly seems to the the right place.

When DD was born, during labor, I found out that my cervix was scarred. I hadn't had any checks until then, and my midwife later said she had only seen scarring like that with women that had cone biopsies - or were abused. I'd never had an cervical surgeries. During labor she asked if anyone had ever hurt me, because I was having a hard time with the checks and pushing and the pain. I do assume she'd had experience with abused women before.

I also, for as long as I can remember, had been afraid of sex. We waited until after marriage, and although our sex life is just fine, I know being willing to wait that long is not normal. I put off pelvic exams util pregnancy because I was so afraid of them. And declined cervical checks. I couldn't stand being that exposed. Also not normal.

You see where this is going.

I have no memories of any kind of abuse, but so many question marks have come up lately that I wonder. Is this something I should start asking questions about? I know families have secrets - am I overthinking or could something have happened to me? Do I pursue it or let it be?

Everything you describe is normal -- not liking cervical checks; hating to be exposed; easing your way into sex; having a hard time pushing. Where did you get the idea this was abnormal? There isn't a woman alive who likes having her cervix checked. Or who has an "easy time" with the pushing and the pain. An easy time with pain? Are you kidding me.

OP, you are extrapolating back from an offhand comment made by a ding-dong and using it to decide that what was a perfectly normal experience was something sinister and strange.

[Anonymous]

I agree about it being unethical. I think it's a really weird comment for someone to make during a stressful situation. What exactly would she have done if you said yes and then experienced a breakdown? She has no way of knowing if you've dealt with the abuse (if that is what it was).

Just because someone has a medical degree does not make them infallible.

[Anonymous]

If you still feel weird about it, what if you mention the comment to your mother. Not accusing or whatever but just saying, "this midwife said this weird thing and isn't that weird? She might have insights and if she doesn't, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about it being unethical. I think it's a really weird comment for someone to make during a stressful situation. What exactly would she have done if you said yes and then experienced a breakdown? She has no way of knowing if you've dealt with the abuse (if that is what it was).

Just because someone has a medical degree does not make them infallible.

I agree. I wouldn't necessarily believe what someone who did something so unprofessional would say.

[Anonymous]

I ask this kindly, but what would you hope to gain? If indeed something traumatic did happen to you as a kid, it's probably better that you don't know/remember. You don't know that it would be a family member either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be from pap smears. Some people are just very prone to scarring, even from minor things. Agree you should get a second opinion.

I never had one prior to my 6 week pp one.

I did talk to the OB during that appointment and she said that the scarring had been minimized by the dilation. She didn't think anything of it during labor when she checked (only once) because she assumed I'd had a LEEP or biopsy or something.

So I guess it's a dead end.

OP, this is the first person who posted.

I am concerned that because your OB "assumed I'd had a LEEP or biopsy" that you now feel, since you did not ever have those procedures, that the scarring must indeed be from abuse. If that's where you're going in your mind -- please get the opinion of another gynecologist.

Did you directly ask the OB about the sexual abuse comment the midwife made, or did you just say, "What's this scarring all about?" ? I know my ob/gyn well enough that I'd have told her exactly what the midwife said, and asked the gyn.'s opinion. Did you tell the OB what was said to you, and did you set the OB straight and say, "No, I have not had any such procedures that could have scarred me, so now I am worried that I might have been abused, based on this midwife's comment"? If you didn't come out and tell the OB about the abuse comment, and just waited to see whether the OB mentioned it unsolicited -- I really would ask the OB or your ob/gyn about it much more directly, and explain why you are so concerned.

Maybe you did have that conversation -- I hope so.

I'm just concerned that you haven't really gotten an answer that either sets your mind at rest or gives you real, objective, professionally valid reason to pursue anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am concerned that because your OB "assumed I'd had a LEEP or biopsy" that you now feel, since you did not ever have those procedures, that the scarring must indeed be from abuse. If that's where you're going in your mind -- please get the opinion of another gynecologist.

Did you directly ask the OB about the sexual abuse comment the midwife made, or did you just say, "What's this scarring all about?" ? I know my ob/gyn well enough that I'd have told her exactly what the midwife said, and asked the gyn.'s opinion. Did you tell the OB what was said to you, and did you set the OB straight and say, "No, I have not had any such procedures that could have scarred me, so now I am worried that I might have been abused, based on this midwife's comment"? If you didn't come out and tell the OB about the abuse comment, and just waited to see whether the OB mentioned it unsolicited -- I really would ask the OB or your ob/gyn about it much more directly, and explain why you are so concerned.

I did not directly ask. I said the CNM had made a comment about the scarring, and the OB repeated the cervical procedure comment and moved onto something else. I did not even have a chance to say, "Hey, look at my records, I haven't had anything like that." It was a quick appointment.

I'll get a second opinion, but like I said - the scarring is now minimized from childbirth.

[Anonymous]

Cervical scarring would be a sign of very severe sexual trauma. The notion that children forget or block such trauma was popularized but is really quite rare. Most people who go through severe trauma remember trauma, maybe not all the details but they don't have total amnesia like in the movies.