He gets upset/sulky about me stating my feelings

[Anonymous]

I'm newly involved with a man the last few months. Whenever I have gently stated my feelings about something in our relationship, and my need in regard to that, he freaks out. I mean, he gets so upset and says sorry over and over, but then shuts down and "can't talk" and has to go (like if we're on the phone) or even when together. Then it's like there is a sulking thing going for a day or two. I try to talk about it and explain it, reassure I still love him all the same, just asking for something I need (something small and reasonable). It doesn't seem to help.

It seems he is so affected by anything he perceives as criticism from his SO, that it really upsets him. But then I also feel like the doesn't like it, so he uses the "I'm so injured" routine and gets so upset and sulky, making it a huge deal, to deter me from saying those types of things in the future. More like it's a manipulation, a way to control something he doesn't like from happening again. I suppose it still really bothers him in that case, but he is trying to manipulate the situation with his tantrums/sulking. Thoughts anyone? Tell me about these people. This is new to me.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally immature and controlling. Nothing but trouble. Run!

[Anonymous]

Look, I'm a guy who was single until age 37. I'll tell you straight up, that you need to end the relationship. While it may not seem like it, guys like that are either very immature or prime manipulators who will slowly evolve into an abuser. This is the best this situation will ever be. Can you live with this as the absolute best? And can you live if the situation and relationship degenerate? It starts will controlling how you express yourself, then it evolves into controlling how you behave, then it evolves into controlling how and when you can physically do things and finally when you can't change anymore, will come the abuse. For some, it will only be emotional abuse, for others, it will be a combination of emotional and physical abuse.

My ex-bastard-in-law found my sister when she really wanted to have a long-term relationship. She's always been a Daddy's girl and really wanted someone to take care of her. She found a very well off bachelor who treated her very lavishly. He also had problems and got upset when she tried to talk to him about her feelings or something that she wanted. It was never the right time for a heart-to-heart. He shut off every chance for her to even express an opinion in the relationship. After the short romance and engagement, he then married her quickly in justice-of-the-peace wedding. There was no urgency in the wedding, but he made her get married on the day of my college graduation and tried to guilt my parents into skipping my college graduation for a courthouse wedding and dinner at his favorite Mexican restaurant (nothing special, just where they used to go once or twice a week). After they were married, he coaxed her into giving up her professional job. He bought her a car, but it came with strings like when she could go out. She had a fixed window in the afternoon when she could go out and shop. He made it seem reasonable, because he worked from home and wanted to have lunch with her and then they always had dinner plans out (my sister is a lousy cook and the BIL rarely cooked either) so she could only go out in a certain window. Once, my brother had an emergency, but because it wasn't in the "window" she couldn't go out and help him even though she wasn't doing anything. He had wrought iron gates outside ALL of the egresses to the house with double-barreled locks on all of them which required a key to get out. One key in the kitchen. One spare in his office and he could see the keys at all times and would question if she needed the key, even to put the garbage out. She got pregnant and had my niece. When my niece was only about 2 years old, he started verbally abusing my sister. They had an argument where she disagreed with him. She never yells, has never yelled in over 50 years, but she disagreed with him. He backhanded her. Hard. Note that my sister is 4'11" and weighs about 105 lbs. The bastard is about 6' and weighs about 220. At one point, she disagreed about something about my niece and he unlocked the gate and tried to push her out the door. She wouldn't leave my niece with him and tried to go back for her and he pushed her out the door. When she tried to get back in again, he slammed the door on her. She had fractured ribs and was black and blue from shoulder to ankle. She managed to stay the night (in the guest room). The next day when he was working, she called my sister-in-law (my brother was unavailable in a meeting) who drove over and they managed to get my sister and niece out of the house.

This is just one story, but there are many others. The guy you are with has major red flags. Don't give in. If he will not let you express your opinion and concerns and will not listen to you, then you need to get away from the relationship quickly. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think this could just be a red flag, like PP said, but it could also be an issue of differing experiences/temperaments.

For me personally, I don't express negative feelings unless they are significant/have the potential to affect how I feel about the person if they continue going forward. So, for me, if I felt a partner was expressing them much more often than I did, I'd start to wonder whether they were less happy in the relationship than I am/wanted me to change significantly, etc. and probably shut down a bit too, not to be sulky, but just because I'd be taken aback.

Now, I'm mature enough to be aware that that might not be the case, that they might just approach expressing their feelings differently than I do, and that it isn't wrong to do so. That said, I think having similar communication styles is important, so if I was dating someone who often expressed little annoyances/grievances, while I rarely do, I'd probably decide we were incompatible. I'm a woman, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd say this is not the right one for you. As someone has said, this is probably the best it will be with him, and it has potential to get worse, or for you to end up so frustrated and miserable because you are not allowed to state your feelings or needs.

He's got baggage and probably boundary issues. Someone who can't even handle you expressing your needs and feelings is not going to be able to meet your needs and is going to damage you. Already you recognize the manipulation, which it is, because it stops you from being yourself and acting in your best interest and being heard and getting your needs met.

Whatever his issues are, the result is that you get shut down and not allowed to express yourself, your needs, etc. That's not a relationship you want to stay in. It will not get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm newly involved with a man the last few months. Whenever I have gently stated my feelings about something in our relationship, and my need in regard to that, he freaks out. I mean, he gets so upset and says sorry over and over, but then shuts down and "can't talk" and has to go (like if we're on the phone) or even when together. Then it's like there is a sulking thing going for a day or two. I try to talk about it and explain it, reassure I still love him all the same, just asking for something I need (something small and reasonable). It doesn't seem to help.

It seems he is so affected by anything he perceives as criticism from his SO, that it really upsets him. But then I also feel like the doesn't like it, so he uses the "I'm so injured" routine and gets so upset and sulky, making it a huge deal, to deter me from saying those types of things in the future. More like it's a manipulation, a way to control something he doesn't like from happening again. I suppose it still really bothers him in that case, but he is trying to manipulate the situation with his tantrums/sulking. Thoughts anyone? Tell me about these people. This is new to me.

OP can you give examples please?

[Anonymous]

Uh oh. This is not good and in my opinion, is a deal-breaker for sure OP.

In a relationship, you should feel 100% comfortable with being able to state your feelings upfront without having to worry about offending the other party as well as suffering any type of backlash.

From what you have stated, it sounds to me as if he is making you feel guilty for telling him how you feel as well as punishing you in a way by sulking for a day or two.

Honestly, this is selfish and immature behavior on his part and shows he is definitely not someone you want to be in a relationship with long-term.

If you stay with this man, you will eventually end up bottling up all of your feelings with him which will do doubt cause you undue stress and resentment. Without good communication between you two, I do not see how this relationship will survive long-term.

It sounds to me like what he is doing to you is a form of manipulation (like you stated) and he is reacting in a punitive manner to you and you are not doing anything wrong. You are simply expressing yourself which is your right.

You deserve much better.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to "process" or figure out or try to understand. This isn't someone you want or need to be in a relationship with. If you can't express your feelings in a simple conversation, that's a deal breaker. It's not your job to fix him or to try to make it better.

End it with him now.

[Anonymous]

I see one of two scenarios.

Either he is manipulative and immature and you need to get out. Or you are "expressing feelings" about things that are his essential nature and he cannot be expected to change and he really cannot do anything about them other than apologize and get flustered and he is overwhelmed. If this is the case, you can't make him over just by expressing feelings, OP.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on the feelings you're expressing and what you expect him to do with them. "I feel like you're a shitty person who doesn't deserve me; I need you to be less shitty" is different than "I feel happy in this relationship; and I just wanted to you to know that."

[Anonymous]

Really need some examples here.

If you are naming feelings about specific discrete events or patterns (example: "When you took that 20 minute phone call from Larla during dinner, I kind of felt ignored and I hope we can agree not to look at our phones...) then I think you have the high ground here.

If you are just naming feelings about who he is (example: "I hate the way you dress" "The way you chew your food is bothering me") then I think you need to consider that the problem is you.

[Anonymous]

Immature. Weak. HUGE turn off. Deal breaker. Run honey.

[Anonymous]

This is not your soulmate . Then again, most people never find their soulmate and marry someone who dissapoints them . It's mostly grey area . Life and choices are rarely easy.

[Anonymous]

It's only been a few months let him go and move on this is not something that you can fix or that you can simply keep your fingers crossed and hope that it lessens with time - this is a character trait this is who he is this is how he is prone to deal with stress/criticism and it's not something you should expect to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut your losses now. If you can't have an adult conversation with him now you won't ever be able to do so. You need a partner that will listen and is receptive to YOUR needs. I have to have conversations with DH on occasion and tell him what is on my mind. He is open and receptive when this happens, I also ask him if he is getting what he needs from me. It gives me safety and builds trust in our relationship. No relationship is perfect but I feel like mine is close to it because we can openly have conversations about feelings. It is hard to find in a partner but necessary. Good luck!