He gets upset/sulky about me stating my feelings

[Anonymous]

Run. I had an ex like this. He is immature and doesn't know how to cope. It's all well an good when things are fine, but what about when you don't have the patience to deal with his childish sulking and running? You might think he'll step up and be the adult then out of necessity but he won't. If he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior, only with your reaction to it, then please run. It doesn't get better.

[Anonymous]

Worst case scenario he is an immature manipulator. Best case scenario there are fundamental things about his personality and the way he expresses himself that you don't like, that speak to major incompatibility. Neither scenario is good. Leave.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for all of the responses. It's a busy day at work, but as soon as I can, I'll give some examples.

[Anonymous]

You have to think carefully about whether or not to continue this relationship. If it's this bad, this early, it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm newly involved with a man the last few months. Whenever I have gently stated my feelings about something in our relationship, and my need in regard to that, he freaks out. I mean, he gets so upset and says sorry over and over, but then shuts down and "can't talk" and has to go (like if we're on the phone) or even when together. Then it's like there is a sulking thing going for a day or two. I try to talk about it and explain it, reassure I still love him all the same, just asking for something I need (something small and reasonable). It doesn't seem to help.

It seems he is so affected by anything he perceives as criticism from his SO, that it really upsets him. But then I also feel like the doesn't like it, so he uses the "I'm so injured" routine and gets so upset and sulky, making it a huge deal, to deter me from saying those types of things in the future. More like it's a manipulation, a way to control something he doesn't like from happening again. I suppose it still really bothers him in that case, but he is trying to manipulate the situation with his tantrums/sulking. Thoughts anyone? Tell me about these people. This is new to me.

what exactly do you need and what do you consider small and reasonable? material things? Who needs the reassurance, you or him? Why only after a few months are you having to reassure someone you love them? Grown man has tantrums and sulks? You both sound a little off your rockers OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Now for some examples. Sorry for the length. I'm trying to report accurately.

Recently he's been somewhat more distant. 95% of the time, I'm sure it's him being busier and a having some work/extended family stress. I was sick, so I was more sensitive. At a few weak moments, I thought to myself "I hope that's the only reason for his distance, and it's not because his feelings about me/us have changed". One night, I told him that. I said it is probably just because I am sick/sensitive, but things have been a bit different lately and I had moments where I wondered whether he still felt the same about me/us. I said I wondered if the level of our relationship was too much for him right now.

He got very upset, defensive, wanted to know why I thought that, and "what had he done" for me to think that. Also, he thought maybe I was considering ending the relationship because I said that. I assured him I was not at all. He assured me he did not want to end or change it. But he was very upset and it carried over into the next couple days, where he couldn't really interact with me normally, and was very quiet and shut down, hardly able to talk. On the surface, basically like sulking. He said it was because he could see the possibility of us ending, and it scared him so much. I believe that, and yet, it became a huge deal, and he was very "hurt". And it made me wonder if it isn't also a manipulation (though I'm sure his feelings are real).

A couple days later, he was out of town and we were talking on Skype video. He was still very stoic/closed with me over the thing I wrote about above, so we had an awkward conversation about just regular things. I was still sick and so a bit sensitive, and off center from this thing with him. FWIW, I have been told I am "low maintenance" and "not a drama queen", etc., so I am not a woman who is spouting my feelings all the time and expecting my butt to be kissed. So anyway, we were nearing the time we should be getting offline and going to bed, but hadn't said goodnight. When he travels, we usually say a sweet goodnight on video. My laptop battery died right then, which has happened before, so he knows I come right back. I was quickly plugging in and getting back on. When I got back online, 3 mins later, he had left a short written msg saying goodnight, and was gone already. I guess because things between us felt so distant and tenuous, and I was sick and sensitive, I felt blown off. It's not our usual routine to do say goodnight like that. I also wondered if it was a little passive-aggressive play because he was still sulky/injured. So I wrote "I feel blown off", then wrote that I wasn't trying to hurt him by saying that, just being honest about my feelings. And that I would have liked to have the opportunity to say goodnight back, on video.

He was very hurt by that and said he didn't think he did anything wrong, and I have no basis to say he was blowing me off. Of course, I mean, I "felt" blown off, not that he blew me off. I explained at the same time I was describing my feelings. However, I think I could have phrased that better. I also think he is very sensitive, because someone could say that to me, and I'd be concerned and say "oh I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to blow you off..." and it'd be no big deal.

Thanks to all who read this and give input!

[Anonymous]

one of you should at least be a competent communicator. Since neither of you are and he sounds like a major douche/pussy then you my advice is to end it. How is it you have these routines when he is travelling only after a few months? None of this makes sense. Are you both divorced or have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm newly involved with a man the last few months. Whenever I have gently stated my feelings about something in our relationship, and my need in regard to that, he freaks out. I mean, he gets so upset and says sorry over and over, but then shuts down and "can't talk" and has to go (like if we're on the phone) or even when together. Then it's like there is a sulking thing going for a day or two. I try to talk about it and explain it, reassure I still love him all the same, just asking for something I need (something small and reasonable). It doesn't seem to help.

It seems he is so affected by anything he perceives as criticism from his SO, that it really upsets him. But then I also feel like the doesn't like it, so he uses the "I'm so injured" routine and gets so upset and sulky, making it a huge deal, to deter me from saying those types of things in the future. More like it's a manipulation, a way to control something he doesn't like from happening again. I suppose it still really bothers him in that case, but he is trying to manipulate the situation with his tantrums/sulking. Thoughts anyone? Tell me about these people. This is new to me.

what exactly do you need and what do you consider small and reasonable? material things? Who needs the reassurance, you or him? Why only after a few months are you having to reassure someone you love them? Grown man has tantrums and sulks? You both sound a little off your rockers OP.

OP here. We've been together 6 months, and we both feel a deep love for each other. We haven't talked about the future yet, it's too early. We are middle-aged. I'm am not a material person, so no, no material requests. Other than the things I described in my examples post, there has only been one other time with something similar, and he had a similar reaction. So in 6 months there have been 3 times. I don't feel that is a lot of sharing my feelings and wanting to talk a little bit about them. I'm open to criticism though, so if you think otherwise, please, in all sincerity, share those thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:one of you should at least be a competent communicator. Since neither of you are and he sounds like a major douche/pussy then you my advice is to end it. How is it you have these routines when he is travelling only after a few months? None of this makes sense. Are you both divorced or have kids?

OP here. 6 months together. Divorced and our kids are grown. We don't live super close together so sometimes we chat on Skype when we can't get together, and he travels a bit too. I usually do better with how I phrase things, but at the same time, I don't think that was as horrendous as me bitching "you blew me off!".

[Anonymous]

The stuff you shared seems way too trivial to be bent out of shape for days over. Sounds like you are already on eggshells on what will upset him. No way to live, personally I would move on.

[Anonymous]

He's emotionally manipulative and if you have to - AFTER ONLY 6 MONTHS - walk on egg shells and have to parse what you say, or feel like you can't share what you feel or he'll sulk and give you the silent treatment for DAYS then I say run for the hills.

If you can't express yourself or be and say what you want to in a relationship then what's the point? He's essentially punishing you for speaking up - and you're going to be miserable faking like you're happy all the fucking time just to keep him happy.

Lose/lose - you're middle aged? Then move on - you don't have time for the bullshit that is usually played out for relationships of those in their teens and twenties.

Good Luck

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this and I think he's a little bitch. He's a weak man. Tread carefully OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I've read your updates. You aren't too sensitive or off your rocker. Your routines aren't strange. This man is an immature mess and you'd be well served to break it off now. Expect him to get emotional and pout and act out. But stay strong and he will get over it. He's not your last chance at happiness. Don't sign up for this bs!

[Anonymous]

So essentially your hands are tied and you are gagged as well. How in the work are you guys supposed to work through this issue, or any issue for this matter, if you can't openly express your feelings? This isn't feasible in a long-term relationship unless you become a very good pretender.
And you know what? Sometimes you'll have conflict and your perspective WILL be unreasonable, but in a healthy rekationship that can be worked through with open communication, and your BF can't seem to handle that for whatever reason. Don't know what to tell you...wonder if you email him your thoughts it might circumvent his knee-jerk "sorry, sorry, sorry, sulk" and give him a chance to digest what you're saying. But I just don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So essentially your hands are tied and you are gagged as well. How in the work are you guys supposed to work through this issue, or any issue for this matter, if you can't openly express your feelings? This isn't feasible in a long-term relationship unless you become a very good pretender.
And you know what? Sometimes you'll have conflict and your perspective WILL be unreasonable, but in a healthy rekationship that can be worked through with open communication, and your BF can't seem to handle that for whatever reason. Don't know what to tell you...wonder if you email him your thoughts it might circumvent his knee-jerk "sorry, sorry, sorry, sulk" and give him a chance to digest what you're saying. But I just don't know.

*^^ how in the world