Smoking Switcheroo - WWYD

[Anonymous]

A number of months ago I discovered that DW is smoking cigarettes. She tries to hide it but has gotten more lax in her efforts to hide it so I often smell it on her breath/clothes and I notice that she volunteers for quick errands so she can smoke. We have discussed it some over the last few months and she has said she does not want to smoke and is embarrassed by it. I cannot stand the smell (turns me off) and I lost two smoking grandparents to lung cancer. We have a DS and I have read that kids are more likely to smoke if a parent smokes. All of this really bothers me. We got married 4 years ago and I knew DW used to smoke before we met but she told me she had quit years before and I did not see any evidence of her smoking to get my antennae up. DW knew and knows that smoking is a big deal to me. DW has said she wants to quit and says she is trying but she seems to go back to it after a couple of days - I think I have been supportive, including when she is irritable on the days she is trying to stop. Any thoughts, experiences, etc.? I do not think this is ultimatum material, but I also do not want to be married to a daily smoker.

[Anonymous]

First of all OP, rest assured I grew up in a home with a chain smoking parent and trust me, I am now 45 and I have NEVER nor will I EVER smoke a cigarette. I saw all too well the damaging effects firsthand that smoking does to a person and decided early on that I wanted no part of that lifestyle. So just because your wife smokes, does not mean that your son will pick up the habit.

That being said, I totally understand you wanting your wife to quit this very unhealthy and gross habit.

She is not only putting her own health in jeopardy, but also your son's as well if she chooses to smoke in front of him because as we've all been told, second-hand smoke is very dangerous.

I do not smoke, but I have been told that it is very difficult to quit once you start. What your wife needs now is patience and support from you.

Try to offer that to her on a daily basis if you can and try to avoid any criticism on your part.

I am not current on any smoking cessation techniques or solutions that are available right now, but whatever your wife decides to use, again...Try to be as patient as you can be. It will not be an easy road for her and there will be times where she will backslide.

But with your full support by her side, the odds that she can conquer this awful habit are stacked highly in her favor.

Good luck to the both of you.

[Anonymous]

She is obviously addicted again. Some people seem to be able to turn it off and on as they choose. She is not one of them. If she is serious about quitting ask her to go see a doctor for professional help.

[Anonymous]

It is notoriously difficult to quit smoking, much harder than quitting heroin or any other drug. I hope that she can be successful, but you need to at least think about what you will do if she never manages to give it up.

[Anonymous]

Get her a vape. It may not be "healthy" but it's far healthiER, doesn't reek, and helps meet the need to inhale something.

[Anonymous]

Get her to vape -- they even have organic now -- try that (ETRON ORGANIC)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her a vape. It may not be "healthy" but it's far healthiER, doesn't reek, and helps meet the need to inhale something.

This. Dh was smoker for 10 years. When we met (at that point he'd been smoking for 6 years) And got serious, I told him he needed to quit smoking before we had kids. He had 2 unsuccessful attempts to quit and then went to an e-cig. He started on high dose of nicotine and gradually weaned down to low. He was completely off the e-cig within 5 months and it has been over a year since he's smoked a Real cigarette. Occasionally if we are around his smoker friends or on a recent trip to Vegas, he will bring the e-cig but with a no nicotine flavor thing. The hardest for him was to break the habit, less the nicotine addiction. Being able to puff on something, even with no nicotine, gives him enough so that he can be around smokers without really craving a cigarette.

[Anonymous]

I would spend more time figuring out what stress has changed in her life that is making her turn to cigarettes again. Having young kids is really tough. Are you two doing enough to support one another. Does she have some time to exercise and take care of herself? Is she depressed?

The good thing is that she is being fairly honest with you (by not trying so hard to hide it). Most addicts don't stop using their "drug of choice" because a spouse nags them. I'd spend more time focusing on finding out what else is going on. If you have a good insurance plan, Id suggest that she might benefit from some counseling.

FWIW, I started drinking when I had toddlers. I was a SAHM and didn't really think my life was that bad or think that I felt too stressed, but clearly I did. I haven't had a drink in 8 years and don't miss it at all now (it took a while to feel this way). Life is weird. Sometimes we can't explain our actions. If addiction runs in her family, that may explain why it is hard for her to stop smoking.

[Anonymous]

I have been your wife. I smoked throughout my young adulthood, quit when I was getting pregnant with my first kid, and picked it up again after five years. I honestly do not know how it started up. I think a friend from work.

I tried to quit several times, including a trip to the doctor. What finally worked for me was one of those quit-smoking apps. I have no idea why it worked so well, but I swear by it. "Smoke Free" for iPhone. It has little daily challenges, and tells you how much money you are saving, how much healthier you are getting, etc. I haven't had a cig for over six months and I still check on it from time to time. As of today, I have dropped my risk of heart attack by 7.8% and have saved $612!

[Anonymous]

Don't be 'controlling' in your efforts to get her to quit. That back fires every time. Tell her you are aware she is smoking again and would like to support her quitting for her health and everyone around her that is exposed to her secondhand smoke. Suggest she see her internist to get meds to help her quit and see if they can also help her develop a plan to quit or find a smoking cessation program that entails a quit date, plans to change her habits that surround smoking, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you PPs for your replies, insights and suggestions. Keep 'em coming! FWIW, addiction does run in DW's family.

[Anonymous]

Ick. Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. That said, I'm sympathetic to the addiction problem. I recently read a book called "The Power of Habit" which I thought really helped me see how the way that I structured my day or my behavior actually triggered me to engage in unhealthy habits. My problem is weight loss/eating patterns, so addiction is at work in this kind of problem although not as strongly as nicotine addiction. Nonetheless, I found addressing the habit surrounding the problem behavior to be very helpful. I think a large part of smoking is habitual, in addition to the addictive aspects.

[Anonymous]

Icky secret smoker here. No secret with close friends. Stress kicks in, I light up every few months. Horrible addiction. I've kicked the habit a number of times just to repeat the cycle.

Power of Habit is an interesting read. Was fascinated with the toothpaste industry. Yuck -- part time smoker or not, we used to walk around with teeth film.

Thank you for good habits!

[Anonymous]

Me, too, OP. My husband smoked long before we met -- had been smoke-free for seven years at the time. He was very critical of people who smoke, saying he was able to quit with the patch and it's disgusting, etc. Well, guess what? Being married and having small kids and a demanding job is stressful, and he went back to it three years into our marriage. I hate it and often think about how I never wanted to be married to a smoker and feel like I got tricked into marrying one. It's a total turn-off and affects our sex life and I hate the example it sets for the kids, even though he tries to sneak away. But they will know some day if they don't yet.

But I also think there's really nothing I can do about it. I can't control his behavior. I've told him how much it bothers me and why. He wants to quit and has tried the patch and gum, but is having a harder time. So I just try not to let it get to me and repeat the serenity prayer.

[Anonymous]

DW sounds like me. I'd quit and then start up again slowly and then the cravings would just take over my life. I was trying to hide it, but it got harder and harder to do that. I too would make up excuses to get away from my family so I could smoke. I was stressed out about it and worse, I was ashamed.

I finally asked my doctor to prescribe Chantix. It was expensive since it wasn't covered by my insurance and I wasn't sure it would work. I had quit before just to start up again. I smoked while in Chantix for about two weeks I think and then I stopped smoking altogether. That was over two years ago and I haven't had a single cigarette since and don't really want one. When I stopped smoking altogether, DS was three and DD was one.

Sometimes I do fantasize about what it would be like to hold a cigarette in my hand and "enjoy" a smoke. But then I recall the smell and the taste, the stress, the guilt, and the shame, and I'm over it.

I know some folks have had issues with Chantix. I personally suffered none of those and am extremely thankful for Chantix. Without it, I would still be a smoker today.