For those with older only kids

[Anonymous]

So, for many reasons, dh and I have made the decision that dd will be an only. There are so many negative stereotypes about onlies but I'm looking for the perspective and advice from those that have btdt. How was your experience with the upper elementary ages and up. For those with teens, how is your relationship with your child different from those with multiple kids? What advice do you have for those approaching those years with their only? Tia!!

[Anonymous]

Not upper elementary yet, just second grade. But I understand your concern.

I have several friends with college-aged onlies and they have had wonderful relationships with their kids. They are all very close. And I must say that I am very close to my son as well.

Negatives so far: I am my kid's favorite playmate. I am master lego builder, trail hiker, ball thrower, minecraft buddy. I don't get much adult time to myself. My son would rather play with me in the neighborhood pool than go off with friends.

Positives so far: Very close to my son. We have a blast. He tells me everything (and I hope that continues into teen years). He's very mature and can discuss things like politics and current events with adults better than you may expect. Not like an adult, but not like an 8 year old, either.

Prior concerns: That my son didn't have enough time playing with other kids and instead would only play with me. I tried to arrange a million playdates, set up time with cousins, etc. And while he's more outgoing than I am by far, I came to realize he really does need some down time from friends. I needed it as a kid, too, but thought that was because I was very introverted. I'm off this Christmas vacation for two weeks, and have an opportunity to arrange tons of playdates, but he only wants one. He'd rather have unstructured time playing with Playmobil and legos by himself. He's had his fill of friends at school and aftercare, and I have come to realize he gets PLENTY of socialization time then. That doesn't mean me as best playmate is ideal. I still work on his fostering good, enduring friendships. He doesn't have to be Mr. Popularity, but I want him to be a good friend and have a good friend.

My concerns down the road: That we are too close and that as teens inevitably pull away, it may be harder for me than I realize. But I've been ready for that since he was born, since it was a hard time for me as a teen. I felt too suffocated by my parents, and will try hard not to do that to my kid.

I don't know how to distinguish it from multiples, because honestly most of my friends with adult children have two or more, and are all very close. The biggest different I see between generations is more parenting style than number of siblings. More parents are choosing a middle-of-the-road approach to parenting (authoritative) over the common authoritarian approach of my childhood. This parenting change, IMO, is responsible for closer and more positive family ties.

Here's an article that affirms most of my experiences with my only:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not upper elementary yet, just second grade. But I understand your concern.

I have several friends with college-aged onlies and they have had wonderful relationships with their kids. They are all very close. And I must say that I am very close to my son as well.

Negatives so far: I am my kid's favorite playmate. I am master lego builder, trail hiker, ball thrower, minecraft buddy. I don't get much adult time to myself. My son would rather play with me in the neighborhood pool than go off with friends.

Positives so far: Very close to my son. We have a blast. He tells me everything (and I hope that continues into teen years). He's very mature and can discuss things like politics and current events with adults better than you may expect. Not like an adult, but not like an 8 year old, either.

Prior concerns: That my son didn't have enough time playing with other kids and instead would only play with me. I tried to arrange a million playdates, set up time with cousins, etc. And while he's more outgoing than I am by far, I came to realize he really does need some down time from friends. I needed it as a kid, too, but thought that was because I was very introverted. I'm off this Christmas vacation for two weeks, and have an opportunity to arrange tons of playdates, but he only wants one. He'd rather have unstructured time playing with Playmobil and legos by himself. He's had his fill of friends at school and aftercare, and I have come to realize he gets PLENTY of socialization time then. That doesn't mean me as best playmate is ideal. I still work on his fostering good, enduring friendships. He doesn't have to be Mr. Popularity, but I want him to be a good friend and have a good friend.

My concerns down the road: That we are too close and that as teens inevitably pull away, it may be harder for me than I realize. But I've been ready for that since he was born, since it was a hard time for me as a teen. I felt too suffocated by my parents, and will try hard not to do that to my kid.

I don't know how to distinguish it from multiples, because honestly most of my friends with adult children have two or more, and are all very close. The biggest different I see between generations is more parenting style than number of siblings. More parents are choosing a middle-of-the-road approach to parenting (authoritative) over the common authoritarian approach of my childhood. This parenting change, IMO, is responsible for closer and more positive family ties.

Here's an article that affirms most of my experiences with my only:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

I have a daughter who is now a senior at college. We were pretty close growing up and although I did play with her more so than a parent with several kids, she also had many play dates and kids in the neighborhood to play with. She preferred playing with other kids, but she also enjoyed down time with me. As she got older, she had a couple close friends and they were inseparable - like sisters. It was nice although I really missed spending time with her. She went to college and met a very nice man and she is now engaged to be married (she is 25). I have to say, that she never asked for siblings or felt bad about being an only child. In fact, we have had people tell us that they are surprised she is an only, so it is unfortunate that the negative stereotype stll exists. She as a few only friends and only one of them seemed bratty. On the flip side, she also had friends that were bratty who also had siblings.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The pro and con (depending on the day) was the lack of adult time that I had, but I still ad some and I usually loved hanging out with her. I did have to make extra effort to schedule playdates ut as she got older, she had a nice core of friends.

Except for socialization, I don't think that you have to do things too much different than parents of more than one kid. And, with school, camps and activities, the soicalialiation is already there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not upper elementary yet, just second grade. But I understand your concern.

I have several friends with college-aged onlies and they have had wonderful relationships with their kids. They are all very close. And I must say that I am very close to my son as well.

Negatives so far: I am my kid's favorite playmate. I am master lego builder, trail hiker, ball thrower, minecraft buddy. I don't get much adult time to myself. My son would rather play with me in the neighborhood pool than go off with friends.

Positives so far: Very close to my son. We have a blast. He tells me everything (and I hope that continues into teen years). He's very mature and can discuss things like politics and current events with adults better than you may expect. Not like an adult, but not like an 8 year old, either.

Prior concerns: That my son didn't have enough time playing with other kids and instead would only play with me. I tried to arrange a million playdates, set up time with cousins, etc. And while he's more outgoing than I am by far, I came to realize he really does need some down time from friends. I needed it as a kid, too, but thought that was because I was very introverted. I'm off this Christmas vacation for two weeks, and have an opportunity to arrange tons of playdates, but he only wants one. He'd rather have unstructured time playing with Playmobil and legos by himself. He's had his fill of friends at school and aftercare, and I have come to realize he gets PLENTY of socialization time then. That doesn't mean me as best playmate is ideal. I still work on his fostering good, enduring friendships. He doesn't have to be Mr. Popularity, but I want him to be a good friend and have a good friend.

My concerns down the road: That we are too close and that as teens inevitably pull away, it may be harder for me than I realize. But I've been ready for that since he was born, since it was a hard time for me as a teen. I felt too suffocated by my parents, and will try hard not to do that to my kid.

I don't know how to distinguish it from multiples, because honestly most of my friends with adult children have two or more, and are all very close. The biggest different I see between generations is more parenting style than number of siblings. More parents are choosing a middle-of-the-road approach to parenting (authoritative) over the common authoritarian approach of my childhood. This parenting change, IMO, is responsible for closer and more positive family ties.

Here's an article that affirms most of my experiences with my only:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

I have a daughter who is now a senior at college. We were pretty close growing up and although I did play with her more so than a parent with several kids, she also had many play dates and kids in the neighborhood to play with. She preferred playing with other kids, but she also enjoyed down time with me. As she got older, she had a couple close friends and they were inseparable - like sisters. It was nice although I really missed spending time with her. She went to college and met a very nice man and she is now engaged to be married (she is 25). I have to say, that she never asked for siblings or felt bad about being an only child. In fact, we have had people tell us that they are surprised she is an only, so it is unfortunate that the negative stereotype stll exists. She as a few only friends and only one of them seemed bratty. On the flip side, she also had friends that were bratty who also had siblings.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The pro and con (depending on the day) was the lack of adult time that I had, but I still ad some and I usually loved hanging out with her. I did have to make extra effort to schedule playdates ut as she got older, she had a nice core of friends.

Except for socialization, I don't think that you have to do things too much different than parents of more than one kid. And, with school, camps and activities, the soicalialiation is already there.

PP, Why is your daughter a senior in college at age 25? Do you think if you had multiple children, this would be the case? I'm not trying to be snarky, honestly! It's just that as the oldest of 3 children, and now the parent of 4 children, I can see where parents of multiple children have to "put a limit" on age when it comes to supporting a child through college. If my oldest was still an undergrad at the age of 25, I would have 4 kids in college. As a parent of multiples, I'm pretty much depending on my kids to graduate in a timely manner (less than 5 years after graduating high school) so that I'm not shelling out 4 college tuition payments at the same time. Do you think the fact that your daughter did not have such constraints (8 years flexibility to complete a 4 year degree) is a benefit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not upper elementary yet, just second grade. But I understand your concern.

I have several friends with college-aged onlies and they have had wonderful relationships with their kids. They are all very close. And I must say that I am very close to my son as well.

Negatives so far: I am my kid's favorite playmate. I am master lego builder, trail hiker, ball thrower, minecraft buddy. I don't get much adult time to myself. My son would rather play with me in the neighborhood pool than go off with friends.

Positives so far: Very close to my son. We have a blast. He tells me everything (and I hope that continues into teen years). He's very mature and can discuss things like politics and current events with adults better than you may expect. Not like an adult, but not like an 8 year old, either.

Prior concerns: That my son didn't have enough time playing with other kids and instead would only play with me. I tried to arrange a million playdates, set up time with cousins, etc. And while he's more outgoing than I am by far, I came to realize he really does need some down time from friends. I needed it as a kid, too, but thought that was because I was very introverted. I'm off this Christmas vacation for two weeks, and have an opportunity to arrange tons of playdates, but he only wants one. He'd rather have unstructured time playing with Playmobil and legos by himself. He's had his fill of friends at school and aftercare, and I have come to realize he gets PLENTY of socialization time then. That doesn't mean me as best playmate is ideal. I still work on his fostering good, enduring friendships. He doesn't have to be Mr. Popularity, but I want him to be a good friend and have a good friend.

My concerns down the road: That we are too close and that as teens inevitably pull away, it may be harder for me than I realize. But I've been ready for that since he was born, since it was a hard time for me as a teen. I felt too suffocated by my parents, and will try hard not to do that to my kid.

I don't know how to distinguish it from multiples, because honestly most of my friends with adult children have two or more, and are all very close. The biggest different I see between generations is more parenting style than number of siblings. More parents are choosing a middle-of-the-road approach to parenting (authoritative) over the common authoritarian approach of my childhood. This parenting change, IMO, is responsible for closer and more positive family ties.

Here's an article that affirms most of my experiences with my only:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

I have a daughter who is now a senior at college. We were pretty close growing up and although I did play with her more so than a parent with several kids, she also had many play dates and kids in the neighborhood to play with. She preferred playing with other kids, but she also enjoyed down time with me. As she got older, she had a couple close friends and they were inseparable - like sisters. It was nice although I really missed spending time with her. She went to college and met a very nice man and she is now engaged to be married (she is 25). I have to say, that she never asked for siblings or felt bad about being an only child. In fact, we have had people tell us that they are surprised she is an only, so it is unfortunate that the negative stereotype stll exists. She as a few only friends and only one of them seemed bratty. On the flip side, she also had friends that were bratty who also had siblings.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The pro and con (depending on the day) was the lack of adult time that I had, but I still ad some and I usually loved hanging out with her. I did have to make extra effort to schedule playdates ut as she got older, she had a nice core of friends.

Except for socialization, I don't think that you have to do things too much different than parents of more than one kid. And, with school, camps and activities, the soicalialiation is already there.

PP, Why is your daughter a senior in college at age 25? Do you think if you had multiple children, this would be the case? I'm not trying to be snarky, honestly! It's just that as the oldest of 3 children, and now the parent of 4 children, I can see where parents of multiple children have to "put a limit" on age when it comes to supporting a child through college. If my oldest was still an undergrad at the age of 25, I would have 4 kids in college. As a parent of multiples, I'm pretty much depending on my kids to graduate in a timely manner (less than 5 years after graduating high school) so that I'm not shelling out 4 college tuition payments at the same time. Do you think the fact that your daughter did not have such constraints (8 years flexibility to complete a 4 year degree) is a benefit?

Not that poster, but most 20 somethings I know who don't come from higher income families have to go part time and work just to afford it. Or get killer loans that will negate the value of a degree. I know "many" who are taking 6-10 years to get their degrees.

[Anonymous]

Ours is in 4th gr now. I love having an only. With 2:1, it seems so much easier to balance kid time with personal time esp compared to friend's families of 3+ kids. I love being able to travel and not having to worry about the cost as much as I would have with a bigger family; likewise, we have college saved for without having stressed out our other financial goals too badly.

DC really wants a sibling. But I grew up in a house where I didn't really get along with my sib (& still don't) and the same was true for DH, so I don't really feel like having more than one is any guarantee of good companionship.

[Anonymous]

I was an only and my relationship with my single mother was much closer than any of my friends had. A mother with more than one child will certainly love them the same but there are only 24 hours in a day. All of my mother's free time was mine.

DH and I also have an Only who is now 14. Aside from the fact that we have been able to afford private school for her, we have been able to travel extensively with her. We are both very close to our daughter, who has lots of friends and activities. I've never had siblings or multiple children so I cannot compare but I loved being and only and having an only.

[Anonymous]

I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

I have an only- his technology use is strictly limited. I think too much access to tech is more about parenting than whether a child has siblings.

We love having an only DS8. We have a lot of free time, family time, etc. We can comfortably afford travel, private school, college savings, and activities. My DS has a learning impairment that takes effort to address at home. We can meet his needs without balancing the needs of other children- which I hear can be tricky. I had DS later- and sometimes miss the idea that I won't have another, but on balance, I think it's been right for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

Interesting. My kid's friends with siblings all have much more technology time than he does. I have to tell DS that different families have different rules about this, since our limits seem relatively strict to him. Unlike most of his friends of the same age or older, he doesn't have a tablet, gaming system or phone, so we hear about that too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

And this driveby judgement was helpful... how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

Interesting. My kid's friends with siblings all have much more technology time than he does. I have to tell DS that different families have different rules about this, since our limits seem relatively strict to him. Unlike most of his friends of the same age or older, he doesn't have a tablet, gaming system or phone, so we hear about that too!

I would have to agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I've seen that big families generally use the TV/technology as babysitters more, because the parents have less time to engage directly with the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two, but I've noticed that many (but certainly not all) only children are into technology/social media earlier and more frequently than kids with siblings. It's just my observation, but they often have more access to devices and more alone free time

We have had the exact opposite experience. Ours is an only (in HS) and many of her friends are the "youngest of" in their families. They have all had access to technology, social media, more mature tv shows and movies long before she did.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom of a 12 yr old DD. We just spent four hours today going through ALL her clothes, doing laundry and cleaning her room. Although I'm exhausted and it wasn't "fun" we had a lovely time. That's pretty much how most of our time goes. Yesterday we spent seven hours returning holiday gifts, shopping and out to dinner. Also a lovely time. Any time I take DD and a friend somewhere for a few hours, even though her friends are always perfectly well-behaved, it feels like So Much More Work than one child.

DD has an iPod touch and is not allowed to use it after 9:30 and can't use it until all homework is finished. She's not allowed to use it at meals/tables.
We're close and I try to enjoy that she'll still hold my hand right up until she gets to the school yard. She'll still hug me goodbye there. It may change in the future, but for now we're tight. Last week I walked around the mall with her and her friend and she later told me she was worried it would stink that I wouldn't leave them alone but she was pleasantly surprised that I didn't drag them into boring stores.