For those with older only kids

[Anonymous]

I am sure this will not be a popular post---my kids are 13, 11 and 9 and almost every only child I know is smothered and the kids run their parents whining about anything that doesn't go their way. Noticeably unable to handle negative situations compared to other children. Just saying my experience. I also find huge in families (obviously not mine), the kids seem to be the most mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure this will not be a popular post---my kids are 13, 11 and 9 and almost every only child I know is smothered and the kids run their parents whining about anything that doesn't go their way. Noticeably unable to handle negative situations compared to other children. Just saying my experience. I also find huge in families (obviously not mine), the kids seem to be the most mature.

So you are posting this in a thread clearly titled "for those with older only kids " because. . . . why?

I bet your local friends who read DCUM and who are parents of only children will recognize you from your post. That will be fun for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure this will not be a popular post---my kids are 13, 11 and 9 and almost every only child I know is smothered and the kids run their parents whining about anything that doesn't go their way. Noticeably unable to handle negative situations compared to other children. Just saying my experience. I also find huge in families (obviously not mine), the kids seem to be the most mature.

My experience, over the holidays: I have 3 adult kids and they all whine. Coming home for them means coming home to have mom take care of them. My sister has one who is amazingly independent. I enjoyed talking to her over the holidays - she really has her shit together. I felt envious and told my sister who was kind to say it has nothing to do with family size and everything to do with innate personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not upper elementary yet, just second grade. But I understand your concern.

I have several friends with college-aged onlies and they have had wonderful relationships with their kids. They are all very close. And I must say that I am very close to my son as well.

Negatives so far: I am my kid's favorite playmate. I am master lego builder, trail hiker, ball thrower, minecraft buddy. I don't get much adult time to myself. My son would rather play with me in the neighborhood pool than go off with friends.

Positives so far: Very close to my son. We have a blast. He tells me everything (and I hope that continues into teen years). He's very mature and can discuss things like politics and current events with adults better than you may expect. Not like an adult, but not like an 8 year old, either.

Prior concerns: That my son didn't have enough time playing with other kids and instead would only play with me. I tried to arrange a million playdates, set up time with cousins, etc. And while he's more outgoing than I am by far, I came to realize he really does need some down time from friends. I needed it as a kid, too, but thought that was because I was very introverted. I'm off this Christmas vacation for two weeks, and have an opportunity to arrange tons of playdates, but he only wants one. He'd rather have unstructured time playing with Playmobil and legos by himself. He's had his fill of friends at school and aftercare, and I have come to realize he gets PLENTY of socialization time then. That doesn't mean me as best playmate is ideal. I still work on his fostering good, enduring friendships. He doesn't have to be Mr. Popularity, but I want him to be a good friend and have a good friend.

My concerns down the road: That we are too close and that as teens inevitably pull away, it may be harder for me than I realize. But I've been ready for that since he was born, since it was a hard time for me as a teen. I felt too suffocated by my parents, and will try hard not to do that to my kid.

I don't know how to distinguish it from multiples, because honestly most of my friends with adult children have two or more, and are all very close. The biggest different I see between generations is more parenting style than number of siblings. More parents are choosing a middle-of-the-road approach to parenting (authoritative) over the common authoritarian approach of my childhood. This parenting change, IMO, is responsible for closer and more positive family ties.

Here's an article that affirms most of my experiences with my only:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

I have a daughter who is now a senior at college. We were pretty close growing up and although I did play with her more so than a parent with several kids, she also had many play dates and kids in the neighborhood to play with. She preferred playing with other kids, but she also enjoyed down time with me. As she got older, she had a couple close friends and they were inseparable - like sisters. It was nice although I really missed spending time with her. She went to college and met a very nice man and she is now engaged to be married (she is 25). I have to say, that she never asked for siblings or felt bad about being an only child. In fact, we have had people tell us that they are surprised she is an only, so it is unfortunate that the negative stereotype stll exists. She as a few only friends and only one of them seemed bratty. On the flip side, she also had friends that were bratty who also had siblings.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The pro and con (depending on the day) was the lack of adult time that I had, but I still ad some and I usually loved hanging out with her. I did have to make extra effort to schedule playdates ut as she got older, she had a nice core of friends.

Except for socialization, I don't think that you have to do things too much different than parents of more than one kid. And, with school, camps and activities, the soicalialiation is already there.

PP, Why is your daughter a senior in college at age 25? Do you think if you had multiple children, this would be the case? I'm not trying to be snarky, honestly! It's just that as the oldest of 3 children, and now the parent of 4 children, I can see where parents of multiple children have to "put a limit" on age when it comes to supporting a child through college. If my oldest was still an undergrad at the age of 25, I would have 4 kids in college. As a parent of multiples, I'm pretty much depending on my kids to graduate in a timely manner (less than 5 years after graduating high school) so that I'm not shelling out 4 college tuition payments at the same time. Do you think the fact that your daughter did not have such constraints (8 years flexibility to complete a 4 year degree) is a benefit?

She worked a couple years before attending. Paid her own way, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure this will not be a popular post---my kids are 13, 11 and 9 and almost every only child I know is smothered and the kids run their parents whining about anything that doesn't go their way. Noticeably unable to handle negative situations compared to other children. Just saying my experience. I also find huge in families (obviously not mine), the kids seem to be the most mature.

I don't think only kids are usually the most whiny but I 100% agree that kids from large families have the most manners, respect and maturity. For some reason it seems like families with 2-3 kids are the worst. Just enough for parents to still do a bunch for them but not enough on their terms and can still fight for time and each other. I am a parent of 2 kids but had an only for 9 years. She was and still is very mature, fun, easy going with lots of friends. Always a good straight A kid. The only negative is she is very dependent on me even in her teens. My other child that is 5 has much more independence.

[Anonymous]

I have an only child but he's only 7. I have many adult friends my age who are only kids and a teenaged niece who is an only child. The adults I know are wonderful people and fun to be around - I would describe every single one as very accomplished, well educated, well mannered and very well off.

My teenaged niece is delightful and very sweet. She is going to teach my DS to ride a horse next summer. She is a very accomplished equestrian and the sport is such that my brother probably could not afford it for more than one child.

I don't worry about DS being an "only". There are advantages as well as disadvantages.

[Anonymous]

"PP, Why is your daughter a senior in college at age 25? Do you think if you had multiple children, this would be the case? I'm not trying to be snarky, honestly! It's just that as the oldest of 3 children, and now the parent of 4 children, I can see where parents of multiple children have to "put a limit" on age when it comes to supporting a child through college. If my oldest was still an undergrad at the age of 25, I would have 4 kids in college. As a parent of multiples, I'm pretty much depending on my kids to graduate in a timely manner (less than 5 years after graduating high school) so that I'm not shelling out 4 college tuition payments at the same time. Do you think the fact that your daughter did not have such constraints (8 years flexibility to complete a 4 year degree) is a benefit?"

NP here. I graduated from high school when I was 19 ( I failed 2nd grade ) I then went to a college where when you graduate you graduate with a masters degree. I also worked full time and I ended up graduating at the age of 25. It took me 1 extra year that's all. Not all kids graduate from hs at 17. And in the end guess what it's all okay. There is no right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure this will not be a popular post---my kids are 13, 11 and 9 and almost every only child I know is smothered and the kids run their parents whining about anything that doesn't go their way. Noticeably unable to handle negative situations compared to other children. Just saying my experience. I also find huge in families (obviously not mine), the kids seem to be the most mature.

And you just wandered by this thread to slam only children? How very kind of you.

You are a not a nice person. Try to be a nicer one.

[Anonymous]

My DD16 is an only. She has not been very happy about it, but I never married and couldn't imagine being a single parent to more than 1. I considered adopting during her pre-school years because she wanted a sister so badly (I was preoccupied with my own mess and didn't give her enough attention).

I would say that she always had friends over on weekends, esp as she got older. We've even had her friends go on vacation with us. It's just now in the past 3 years that we now do everything together and she doesn't "need" a friend at the house, or she at their house all the time. It's nice, but if I had to do it over, I would adopt a little girl a year younger than DD when she was about 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD16 is an only. She has not been very happy about it, but I never married and couldn't imagine being a single parent to more than 1. I considered adopting during her pre-school years because she wanted a sister so badly (I was preoccupied with my own mess and didn't give her enough attention).

I would say that she always had friends over on weekends, esp as she got older. We've even had her friends go on vacation with us. It's just now in the past 3 years that we now do everything together and she doesn't "need" a friend at the house, or she at their house all the time. It's nice, but if I had to do it over, I would adopt a little girl a year younger than DD when she was about 4.

Do you think this has anything to do with your particular circumstances being a single parent and with your DD's particular personality (e.g., a tendency toward extroversion)? I know parents of more than one child who report the same thing because one of their kids strongly dislikes being alone, the kids don't get along well or have different social needs, etc.

FWIW, our only child loves playing with other kids, loves playing with each parent individually and with both together (which are two different things), and also does very well playing alone. I'm not sure the situation you described generalizes to all families.

[Anonymous]

OMG, the families I know with lots of kids (5+) are a mess. Divorce, jail, depression, alcoholism. And I grew up in Boston so there were lots of Catholic families like this. Universally they said the younger kids were basically left to fend for themselves. Yes, I guess that makes them more independent for sure! Oddly a disproportionate number of people I know who never had children at all came from big families.

My point is, there is anecdata for every possible scenario, so it's useless to point to people you know for universal truths about family size. The only truth is that people from messed up families usually mess up their kids as well.

[Anonymous]

"My point is, there is anecdata for every possible scenario, so it's useless to point to people you know for universal truths about family size. The only truth is that people from messed up families usually mess up their kids as well."

Yes. All this "people with more than 4 kids... people with 2-3 kids... parents of onlys..." Really? The poster was looking for advice on having an only from others with onlys. Do you people really need to make yourself feel better about your choices by slamming others?

[Anonymous]

We have one DD who is almost 18. She has had so many emotional, learning issues since day 1, we never even considered a second and after 18 years I say thank God.. I couldn't go through this twice ( today had been a bad day .. Sorry if I sound like worst mom ever)

[Anonymous]

I'm continually surprised at how tortured parents can be about having just one child. As an only child, it was NORMAL for me, just as it is normal for your child. I never felt as if i was missing out on something.

The danger is the helicoptering - it is extremely hard for parents to back off from an only child, I have seen it happen time and again. I suffocated as a teen, and resented my parents for being too controlling and nosy - of course parents can be like this with multiple children, but at some point there's only a finite time and energy in the day during which to poke around and exert influence on your kids. With an only, it's really not only tempting bu automatic. The balance of power is not equal. My mother was not a good parent of a teenager and did not gradually guide be to independence, as a parent of a teen ought to do.

So make sure you know when and how to set her up for independence.

[Anonymous]

Parents of one hover and then they hover any minimal grandkids they have too. And they always fight to have their one and only at every holiday and event in their lives. And then they hover over you because you are their never-had daughter. I married an only and it SUCKS! I came from a family of 4 and it is just so much different.