How to improve relations with his girlfriend

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have been divorced for a three years. We have a 5yo daughter together and have a cordial relationship. I would consider us to be friends, though not super close friends. I am remarried (this spring), and Ex has been dating a woman since around the time I got married. The relationship is very serious - they have met each other's parents, DD has met her parents and DD considers the girlfriend to be family (as evidenced by girlfriend being included in DD's drawings of her family for a school project this fall). I think this is all great and am truly happy that my ex is happy. I hope that they get married and live happily ever after. I know that DD would love this, and frankly, what I know of Girlfriend indicates that she's a great stepmom and girlfriend.

There has been some static, however, about the good relationship Ex and I have and his family's continued positive interactions with me. I am on good terms with his mom (though she was a nightmare mother in law and I'm glad to never have to go visit her again), and when his dad comes to town, we get coffee, etc. The last time his dad came to town, Girlfriend was upset that I "insinuated myself" (her words, related to me by Ex) into a conversation that was happening when I was bringing DD over for the weekend as scheduled. The "insinuation" in question was that I came in when Ex opened the front door, greeted his father and made small talk for approximately 3 minutes before going on my way. I greeted Girlfriend as well, and she sort of nodded but didn't say anything or make eye contact. Later, Ex told me that they'd had an argument about it - the part about me insinuating myself into a conversation - and that he thought it would be best if he and I did not interact on matters unrelated to DD. This was fine with me, since it's what was already happening and I figured that when their relationship was a bit more established, she would maybe get over it.

That was 4 months ago. This morning, I dropped DD off at Ex's house for Christmas and Girlfriend answered the door. She did not say anything to me, even after I said "Happy Christmas Eve, Girlfriend!" - just said good morning to DD. Ex came to the door and we had a brief conversation about when he would bring DD over on Boxing Day, and then I left. The more I think about it, the more this bothers me. Part of me knows that Ex and Girlfriend are still in a relatively new relationship and are probably still figuring out their dynamic. I also do not expect Girlfriend and I to be best friends, but it would be nice if she could, at the very least, engage in run of the mill politeness. This is especially of concern because Ex travels a fair amount and the last time he was gone for an extended period of time, DD asked if she could go over to Girlfriend's house to see her dog and spend time with Girlfriend. I have no problem with that idea, and completely support DD developing positive relationships with important adults in her dad's life, but I just do not see that arrangement working if Girlfriend cannot even look at me or say good morning.

I have no idea how to talk to Ex about this. We otherwise have a really good relationship, are generally on the same page about parenting stuff, and he has a decent, cordial relationship with MY husband such that if I was gone for an extended period of time and DD wanted to see DH, Ex would just call DH and invite him over. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

GF is a psycho bitch. I admire you for being the bigger person, but she needs to understand that your XH has a CHILD with you. You're not going to just disappear, nor should you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GF is a psycho bitch. I admire you for being the bigger person, but she needs to understand that your XH has a CHILD with you. You're not going to just disappear, nor should you.

So far, my strategy has just been to act normally to everyone. To Ex. To Girlfriend. To his family. I would be totally polite and normal to HER family, if I happen to see them on Boxing Day for The Switch. I really do not want to make a thing about this to my ex, because I know that to the extent he is aware of the tension, it probably bugs him a lot. But the attitude has got to go. I have never been anything but nice to her. This morning's attitude occurred while I was passing him the coffee and donuts I brought them, having stopped to get coffee and donuts on the way over with DD.

[Anonymous]

Call her on it. Sit down and say ex and I have DD together, and you and I are going see each other on a regular basis. We both have DDs best interests at heart, so can we please be civil to each other.
This should be a wake up call to your EX, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call her on it. Sit down and say ex and I have DD together, and you and I are going see each other on a regular basis. We both have DDs best interests at heart, so can we please be civil to each other.
This should be a wake up call to your EX, BTW.

nah. She's nto a keeper. Sounds like your Ex will get tired of this real quick. Just keep the high road. Also, assume the in law is turning their vinegar on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call her on it. Sit down and say ex and I have DD together, and you and I are going see each other on a regular basis. We both have DDs best interests at heart, so can we please be civil to each other.
This should be a wake up call to your EX, BTW.

nah. She's nto a keeper. Sounds like your Ex will get tired of this real quick. Just keep the high road. Also, assume the in law is turning their vinegar on her.

OP here. I actually kind of hope that Girlfriend gets it together. It really seems like she is insecure about their relationship or finds me threatening or whatever. I do not know how to be less threatening. I do know that it was stressful when Ex was dating, especially because he dated a couple ladies, introduced them to DD and then the relationship did not work out. DD was confused and sad, his schedule was shifting a ton to accommodate his social life, and I was ready for him to just settle down already. It seemed like that's what was happening with Girlfriend, so if she cannot get it together and ends up being a temp, he will go back to dating, which will result in more instability for DD.

He is actually a great dad and has been navigating adult dating as best he can. We do not always agree on his decisions re: introducing DD to girlfriends, but I accepted a long time ago that part of divorcing him was that I do not get input into everything anymore, so I am basically okay with it.

[Anonymous]

I get along with my ex's GF just fine. It's him that gives me grief!lol we were fine until he was in a relationship and then we became sworn enemies (unbeknownst to me). Jk.

in your case, is it possible that your ex wasn't fully over you when they met?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the girlfriend is really insecure and may possibly worsen. Not much you can do since you are already more than civil to everybody involved without being clingy.

Continue to be friendly with the girlfriend since your DD is fond of her but you may have to lower your expectations of improving relations with her for the time being.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know it's hard but you really need to take the high road and model the correct behavior for your daughter and, really, the girlfriend. Be flawless in manners, kind, warm and sincere and it may eventually set the tone. At the very least you can keep your head up high
If you turn to your ex with this problem, he is going to present what you said to GF and that will not go well for you, no matter how he phrases it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem very good about the whole ex and division of your lives, and you need to extend it to this situation too.

You mentioned your ex is aware of the situation, and now it is his problem to deal with, or not.

You sound like you are doing great ! I know it's horrible when someone is cold to you like that, but I can't see a scenario where this doesn't get worse for you if you confront her or your ex about it

[Anonymous]

You sound great. I wish my husbands ex was like you. To me you are doing everything right for your daughter. I would keep trying for her sake.

[Anonymous]

I would start making honest but funny jokes near her that you are very thankful you are not married to XH, how he's been a better dad than partner to you, etc.

In other words, she sees your warmth to him as not about your DD (she probably does not have kids, so she can't quite imagine the importance of good manners/warm relationship with an X is about in this context) but as about something more threatening. I agree with you that if you can defuse, it will help all concerned.

I would also back OFF on his parents completely. You don't have to be cold, but you can be reserved and keep everything focused on DD. It's not like they were close with you or that you especially liked them and this is a lot less appropriate or easy to explain than being cordial, even warm, with XH.

[Anonymous]

The girlfriend is coming to grips with the fact she will always have to share her life. I think it's totally fine and great you get along with your ex and seeing his family on your own turf if they are in town is fine but I can see why it bothered her for you to stick your head in the door if her house to chat with them. In her mind, she is hosting the new in laws and here you come insisting on speaking to them even though you admittedly don't even like them that much. I don't think she's threatened by you in terms of you stealing back your ex DH but she just wants the freedom of having these relationships without constantly being encumbered by you. She wants to develop her own life with them and you don't necessarily need to factor into every part of that.

[Anonymous]

Can you and Girlfriend take DD to some "girls" activity, so she can get to know you a bit? If you are married, I don't get why she's insecure. Can you bring your husband with you sometimes, so Girlfriend sees you are happily moved on?

You sound great, OP.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk to your ex about this. His girlfriend isn't obligated to have a relationship with you, and it's inappropriate to put your ex in the middle of it. You'll be forcing him to take sides, and if he sides with his girlfriend you could damage your co-parenting relationship with him, which is what should be the priority. The only time I can see it being even remotely a parenting issue is when she wants to see the girlfriend when dad is out of town. And even then, you call her and (when she doesn't answer) leave a message saying "DD would like to come by and see you while her dad is away, please call me so we can figure out a time it might work." And then leave it to her to call you or not.

I realize it's frustrating, but the best thing to do is to rise above it and don't create conflict. Ultimately you want your ex's home life situation to be best for your DD, right? Which means keeping a friendly relationship with your ex, not antagonizing his girlfriend (which having a conversation with your ex would) so that she perhaps turns sour on your DD, and letting your ex see his girlfriend for who she is based on how she responds to your kindness as he decides what role she'll have in his life long-term.