How to improve relations with his girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know it's hard but you really need to take the high road and model the correct behavior for your daughter and, really, the girlfriend. Be flawless in manners, kind, warm and sincere and it may eventually set the tone. At the very least you can keep your head up high
If you turn to your ex with this problem, he is going to present what you said to GF and that will not go well for you, no matter how he phrases it.

Exactly. Why is your XDH even telling you any of this? I don't understand what he expects you to do about it. When he tells you any of this, let it go over your head. When the GF is rude, pretend she was polite. You are teflon.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. OP here. A few things:

1. I am fine with it not being my problem at this point. I have plenty of friends and Girlfriend and I do not appear to have all that much in common (per what I know about her from mutual friends of his and mine). What I do care about is are the times when it affects DD, or my interactions with my ex. She got weirded out, for example, that I pressed him yesterday about summer camp, because they haven't decided their summer plans yet and she felt, in his words, that it was "inappropriate for [me] to ask about summer plans," even in the context of camp. I could not possibly care less about what weeks they're going on vacation, or where, except that we do need to figure out what camps DD is going to this summer, so general ballpark of when their vacation is needs to happen. I think he needs to stop mentioning things like this to me, since it's not my business. I also think that because she doesn't have a child, she maybe doesn't understand that yes, we need to talk about July camps in January. (Frankly, it is crazy that we have to but that's life, I guess.)

2. His parents. Early on, when we split up, it was important to me to maintain good relations with his parents because they also remain DD's family and I didn't want it to be drama. I inadvertently stepped in it with his dad one time by NOT coming in to say hello when dropping DD off, and Ex was pretty pissed, got mad at me for "disrespecting" his dad, etc. since then I have been careful to be friendly but not overly involved with them. His mom is a crackpot who mostly bugs me on Facebook. I ignore her whenever possible but she is pretty relentless so my strategy now is to either answer her question ("DD is a size 4") or refer her to her son. But I can't control her behavior and blocking her would almost certainly result in her complaining to him about it. I don't care for her, but his dad is another story. Him I genuinely like as a person and I'm not willing to sabotage that relationship, which is 15 years of positive interactions, because it bugged new girlfriend that I talked to him about DD's ballet recital for 3 minutes one time.

3. My main concern is that their relationship is serious. On track for engagement, marriage, other kids, the works. I would love that for DD (and for my ex, frankly - I'm sure he'll be a great husband for someone else), but the air of animosity surrounding literally every interaction we've had makes it hard for me to feel okay with the idea of Girlfriend having custody of DD while Ex is gone, or being in charge on vacation, or whatever. I worry that if something went wrong, she wouldn't call me, or tell me about something important. I know part of that goes with the divorce territory, but my husband is always very conscientious of including Ex in his thinking about parenting, etc. If he was home with DD and something went wrong, he'd call both of us. I just don't believe Girlfriend would, at this point. So I keep trying to be friendly, saying hi, bringing he damn donuts or whatever, being patient, in hopes that she'll get there eventually.

Thanks for listening and saying nice things. I try to be kind and friendly to everyone and also to rise above but it's frustrating to feel like I'm the only one doing that.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you are doing everything you can OP, and all the right things!

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should have a conversation. People in this kind of state of mind are rarely receptive. Just continue to be friendly and give her time to get over her insecurities.

[Anonymous]

OP honestly what do you want to hear? You divorce your husband when you have a two- year -old, everybody goes off and starts making new families, bringing all kinds of new people and situations into the mix and now you are complaining about a little drama? Did you think that this would all wrap up neatly with a pretty little bow? Who knows how many more husbands/ wives/ boyfriends / girlfriends you and your ex will go thru in the next 13 years, before dd turns 18. You might as well get used to this

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, it sounds like your exH is doing way too much reporting back to you about her, and reporting and discussing you, to his GF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly what do you want to hear? You divorce your husband when you have a two- year -old, everybody goes off and starts making new families, bringing all kinds of new people and situations into the mix and now you are complaining about a little drama? Did you think that this would all wrap up neatly with a pretty little bow? Who knows how many more husbands/ wives/ boyfriends / girlfriends you and your ex will go thru in the next 13 years, before dd turns 18. You might as well get used to this

I hope no one says something bitchy like this to you if you ever ask for advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation, PP. I would like there to be less drama, which is why I posed the original question. But carry on speculating about my future marriages and all the drama I deserve!

[Anonymous]

If you truly want less drama:
Get off facebook. It will cut down the ex MIL communication and whatever other ex relatives are on there. If they truly want to communicate, they can go through ex or pick up the phone. Facebook makes it too easy
Perfect the art of pleasant, short and sweet small talk with ex FIL.
Have a conversation with exH where you tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be in some weird 3 way communication triangle with his girlfriend, where he is busy relaying messages to and about the two of you. You need to consider that he is loving you two women and their drama with him in the middle

[Anonymous]

Ex DH needs to stop telling you what GF is pissed about. Full stop. That is between THEM and it doesn't benefit you or concern you at all what she gets aggravated about. Those are his balls to juggle and I would tell him so. "Whatever GF gets upset about and says to you, please don't share with me. After all, she prefers we only discuss DD. Your relationship is not my business." Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly what do you want to hear? You divorce your husband when you have a two- year -old, everybody goes off and starts making new families, bringing all kinds of new people and situations into the mix and now you are complaining about a little drama? Did you think that this would all wrap up neatly with a pretty little bow? Who knows how many more husbands/ wives/ boyfriends / girlfriends you and your ex will go thru in the next 13 years, before dd turns 18. You might as well get used to this

I hope no one says something bitchy like this to you if you ever ask for advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation, PP. I would like there to be less drama, which is why I posed the original question. But carry on speculating about my future marriages and all the drama I deserve!

You call it bitchy. Some would call it telling you the facts as you need to hear them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly what do you want to hear? You divorce your husband when you have a two- year -old, everybody goes off and starts making new families, bringing all kinds of new people and situations into the mix and now you are complaining about a little drama? Did you think that this would all wrap up neatly with a pretty little bow? Who knows how many more husbands/ wives/ boyfriends / girlfriends you and your ex will go thru in the next 13 years, before dd turns 18. You might as well get used to this

I hope no one says something bitchy like this to you if you ever ask for advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation, PP. I would like there to be less drama, which is why I posed the original question. But carry on speculating about my future marriages and all the drama I deserve!

You call it bitchy. Some would call it telling you the facts as you need to hear them.

I've gotten some good advice on this thread. I don't really see how "Live with the drama, because what do you expect when you get divorced" is helpful advice. I guess my answer to that would be that what I expected was that adults could act like adults. Asking my ex to stop bringing my into their issue is helpful. Saying "Live with it, homewrecker, who knows how many more people you'll marry" is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly what do you want to hear? You divorce your husband when you have a two- year -old, everybody goes off and starts making new families, bringing all kinds of new people and situations into the mix and now you are complaining about a little drama? Did you think that this would all wrap up neatly with a pretty little bow? Who knows how many more husbands/ wives/ boyfriends / girlfriends you and your ex will go thru in the next 13 years, before dd turns 18. You might as well get used to this

I hope no one says something bitchy like this to you if you ever ask for advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation, PP. I would like there to be less drama, which is why I posed the original question. But carry on speculating about my future marriages and all the drama I deserve!

Wow OP, even your response to this ridiculous asshole poster was classy! I applaud you.

[Anonymous]

Why would you leave your DD alone with ex's girlfriend anyway? If ex is out of town, DD should be with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. OP here. A few things:

1. I am fine with it not being my problem at this point. I have plenty of friends and Girlfriend and I do not appear to have all that much in common (per what I know about her from mutual friends of his and mine). What I do care about is are the times when it affects DD, or my interactions with my ex. She got weirded out, for example, that I pressed him yesterday about summer camp, because they haven't decided their summer plans yet and she felt, in his words, that it was "inappropriate for [me] to ask about summer plans," even in the context of camp. I could not possibly care less about what weeks they're going on vacation, or where, except that we do need to figure out what camps DD is going to this summer, so general ballpark of when their vacation is needs to happen. I think he needs to stop mentioning things like this to me, since it's not my business. I also think that because she doesn't have a child, she maybe doesn't understand that yes, we need to talk about July camps in January. (Frankly, it is crazy that we have to but that's life, I guess.)

2. His parents. Early on, when we split up, it was important to me to maintain good relations with his parents because they also remain DD's family and I didn't want it to be drama. I inadvertently stepped in it with his dad one time by NOT coming in to say hello when dropping DD off, and Ex was pretty pissed, got mad at me for "disrespecting" his dad, etc. since then I have been careful to be friendly but not overly involved with them. His mom is a crackpot who mostly bugs me on Facebook. I ignore her whenever possible but she is pretty relentless so my strategy now is to either answer her question ("DD is a size 4") or refer her to her son. But I can't control her behavior and blocking her would almost certainly result in her complaining to him about it. I don't care for her, but his dad is another story. Him I genuinely like as a person and I'm not willing to sabotage that relationship, which is 15 years of positive interactions, because it bugged new girlfriend that I talked to him about DD's ballet recital for 3 minutes one time.

3. My main concern is that their relationship is serious. On track for engagement, marriage, other kids, the works. I would love that for DD (and for my ex, frankly - I'm sure he'll be a great husband for someone else), but the air of animosity surrounding literally every interaction we've had makes it hard for me to feel okay with the idea of Girlfriend having custody of DD while Ex is gone, or being in charge on vacation, or whatever. I worry that if something went wrong, she wouldn't call me, or tell me about something important. I know part of that goes with the divorce territory, but my husband is always very conscientious of including Ex in his thinking about parenting, etc. If he was home with DD and something went wrong, he'd call both of us. I just don't believe Girlfriend would, at this point. So I keep trying to be friendly, saying hi, bringing he damn donuts or whatever, being patient, in hopes that she'll get there eventually.

Thanks for listening and saying nice things. I try to be kind and friendly to everyone and also to rise above but it's frustrating to feel like I'm the only one doing that.

On the third one, what does your custody agreement state about spending time with a parent's partner if the parent is away during time with that parent? You're borrowing trouble a little bit by worrying about things that haven't happened yet and may not ever happen (what kinds of things do you expect a call about if they happen while your DD is with her father/girlfriend, as opposed to being informed when you pick her up)? If there's trouble starting there, would your ex be open to formalizing more stuff in the agreement about contact and notice to each other in the event of an emergency?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Two PPs, re: the "out of town" issue.

Our custody agreement has a "right of first refusal" section about how out of town travel is handled. If he's going out of town, he's supposed to ask me if I can take her during the times when he's away. If I cannot, or do not want to for whatever reason, he is to make "necessary arrangements". The "necessary arrangements" are not spelled out. Like I've said, our relationship is good and we trust each other's judgment. I have days where I have to be at work when her school is closed and my husband stays home with DD unless Ex wants to stay home with her instead. This has been happening this week, for example. Everyone is taking a day off to stay home with her, on whatever the usual schedule would be. It sounds overly complicated when I spell it out like that, but it's really a 2 minute conversation about logistics that has worked well in the past.

I have no problem including Girlfriend in that calculus, the same way we started including my husband in it when we got engaged and moved in together. My Ex, for the record, has zero problem with my husband. They actually enjoy each other's company when they are together at kid events or whatever. I would really love to get to a similar point with whoever my ex settles down with (whether it's Girlfriend or Future Girlfriend). This is why I was concerned about the "out of town" issue. Also because the last time Ex was away for an extended stretch, DD asked about Girlfriend a lot, and given the tense relationship we apparently have right now, I did not feel comfortable reaching out to Girlfriend to set up a "play date" between her and DD and the dog. DD is old enough to express these wants but not really old enough to understand why I'm not comfortable with it (nor would I want to bring her into it anyway - I love that she's got so many people in her life who care about her and don't want to taint any of those relationships.)

After thinking about all this throughout the weekend, I really don't think I'm going to talk to my ex about any of this. I wish that there was some magical conversation we could have that would make everything better, but talking about it seems to be just borrowing trouble. My current plan is to continue as I began and just be nice and friendly to everyone and open to whatever and hope that things get better as time goes on.

Thank you everyone for your advice, even the PP who was mean. Sometimes it is good to hear that your wishes that things will magically get better are pipe dreams. Makes you appreciate what you have. Happy NY everyone!