explain to me why i'm upset
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Anonymous
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on the surface, it seems ridiculous that i cried over this
backstory - brothers are younger and live in the same city. one brother is married. i live in same city as my parents. brothers come to our city fairly frequently - maybe every 5 or 6 weeks. they get into "home" mode and see their friends, go out super late, get up at 11am, stay in their pajamas til 3... over the past year, DH and our 2 kids drop everything and head over for my parents whenever a brother is in town. we hang out waiting for them to get up, have a nice brunch together and spend the day at my parents. while we only live a few minutes (literally) away, they NEVER offer to come over. in fact, if they are invited, they are likely to say "we'd rather stay at mom's. can you come here?" meanwhile, i would be dropping people, changing plans, etc just to try to see my brothers for a little bit, i finally had enough last time and told my mother that i felt hurt that they never visit us and barely spend time with our kids. she said that it was their right, that they're coming home, that they also have friends here - etc. all sounded very reasonable and i told her i was not going to drop everything for them anymore. conversation ended. one bro came home last wknd and spent a forced 45 min at our house, during which time, he refused ti play with the kids and surfed tv. he's young - just graduated from college - but used to be a total sweetheart, used to babysit sometimes, spent a lot of time with our kids during his breaks, so while i guess his behavior is normal-ish for being young, it was just annoying to me, then, other brother and wife decided to come down this wknd (we don't celebrate Xmas) and are bringing younger sib with them. i emailed my brother and asked if he wanted to do a specific fun holiday thing with us - he was vague. i told him that i already have plans to see a friend on sat, so i need him to tell me if i should cancel. no reply. mother cornered me today and is totally upset that i would see a friend when brothers are in town. i told her that brother never really got back to me and doesn't seen interested in the plan, told her that he had been vague and that i didn't want to clear my schedule to find out that he barely has time for us, or to sit around waiting for him to shower or to wake up. i told her that after younger bro came last wknd, DS said "uncle marty is never going to play legos with me, is he?" (he had asked multiple times). she told me that she would bring the sibs over and bring brunch, too, so that i could entertain in my house. we are having tons of work done and i just don't have the energy to be doing dishes for all 9 of us by hand - or even the cleaning/prepping that would be required. we had a huge argument about this. in a restaurant. where i started to cry. why am i so upset? why couldn't i be a grown up and just say "i'll do my own thing for lunch, mom, let's plan on meeting up later." |
Anonymous
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Listen, your mom needs to butt out of this and you need to tell her to butt out. This is problem number 1.
The other reason you're upset is you are feeling unappreciated by your siblings. BTDT. It sounds like you realize you need to lower expectations. But then your mom needs to, as previously stated, BUTT OUT. |
Anonymous
| Are your brothers in their 20s? |
Anonymous
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I'm a little confused by some of it, but here's my gut impression. Your brothers sound very young (and one is -- I didn't see the age of the married one), and as they mature their attitudes toward family may change. Don't let this phase of life determine your relationship with them.
The bigger thing that jumped out at me is that it sounds like your mother is putting the responsibility on you to manage the sibling relationships, when you're only half of each of those equations. It made me wonder if there isn't a family history of her letting your brothers off easily and having higher expectations/demands of you. |
Anonymous
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You're upset because you want an apology, and your mom just wants to make things "okay" and fix things. You don't want to "fix it", you want your hurt feelings to be acknowledged by your family.
So that's why you're upset, OP. It's understandable. But just realize you probably will never get what you want, so you're going to have to decide what you do from here. |
Anonymous
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Oof. Rather than wait around at your mom's, I think you make specific plans with your brothers--actually, take it a step back. Reach out to your brothers. Tell them you love to see them, but you know they have lots of folks to see when they're in town, so you propose that *they* contact *you* if they think they'd have time and like to see you guys in advance of a visit.
You, stop dropping plans with other people when your brothers are in town. If they don't contact you enough in advance, oh well. And, realize that seeing them every visit is probably too much to expect right now. It sounds like they're just using your parents' house as a convenient place to crash while they catch up with their friends. If you want to proactively see them, you call them up and invite them down for a day or a weekend and figure out a time that works for both of you together. |
Anonymous
| Not everyone, even family, wants to entertain your kids. Let the brothers reach out to you if they want to hang out. Stop trying so hard. |
Anonymous
This. I don't live in the same town as my family, but even when I did, I didn't even see them every 5-6 weeks. It ended up being maybe 5-6 times a year, usually on holidays. People have busy lives-- kind of silly to expect you to drop everything every 5 weeks when your brothers come to town. |
Anonymous
| Young people in their 20's without kids generally don't want to hang out and play with little kids and do "fun" planned activities when they have time off. They want to sleep late, hang out in their mom's house, see their friends, and chill. You are being WAY too controlling and need to ratchet down your expectations or you will drive everyone crazy. Chill out. |
Anonymous
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Lower your expectations and spend time with them only if you want to and you are enjoying it. Just go to your mom's house (you sound hypocritical saying you want them to come to your house, but then complaining about doing dishes for everyone if they DO come over).
I live 5 hours from my family (all still live in our hometown) but I visit them about every two months and they visit us about the same. All siblings have kids and are the sameish age, though. But when I was pre-kids and hung out with my oldest sister, I didn't play with her baby that much. She didn't seem to mind! |
Anonymous
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It should not be all on you! It sounds as if your family has gender roles pretty much taped out. Your mother seems to expect you as the girl to accommodate and facilitate. Well, stop it already. You have make your plans. You reach out once before the brothers come and if they don't respond, too bad. Tell your mother it's THEIR fault and you are not less important than they are, for God's sake. |
Anonymous
op here. and that's ok. i get it. that's why i expressed my disappointment to my mom and NOT to my brothers and vowed to just continue with my life and stop changing my plans/life/etc and see them whenever they have time/are free/are awake. I think its my mom interfering in this that is truly the upsetting part. As if I am expected to manage all of these people and do what is good for them - "come over! wait around for them! we'll serve lunch for the kids at noon and the boys can eat whenever they get up! you can spend all day watching tv with them!" combined with the "how-dare-you-see-your-friends-who-live-right-here" guilt trip. i don't know why i lost it so entirely. i'm not even a big crier. i am feeling quasi-flu-like and i have a ton of work to do this week - being the non-christmas celebrant means i got stuck with massive amounts of things this week. |
Anonymous
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Most 22 year olds dont want to play with lego.
You need to lower your expectations, cut your mother out of your communications with your siblings, and content yourself with brunch a few times a year. You are sad because on some level you realize all this. |
Anonymous
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Having your mother play go between for your relationship with your brothers isn't working. She's not going to choose sides and if she does, that'll just make things worse. So communicate your messages directly to your brothers yourself. If your mother asks why you aren't doing XYZ with your brothers this week, just say you're already in touch with them about the weekend.
My younger brother is also a pain in the recent grad phase of life - still trying to play the sibling rivalry card, and wants all of my parents' resources dedicated to him when it's a house full of the 10+ person family we've become now that people are getting married & having kids. The self-centered teenage phase hasn't passed for him yet and it's not easy to be patient about it. Anyway, I would just stop initiating with your brothers for now. If they don't reach out to you to say "hey, i'll be in town next weekend - are you free?" then don't clear your calendar. btw - Your mom was annoyed with you because you've said you want them to come to you, she offers to bring them to you with food so you don't have to cook, and now you're saying it's still too much hassle. I get why you don't want to host, but she was trying to accommodate your request. |
Anonymous
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OP here:
just for clarification - i've invited the sibs over multiple times in the past year - all to resounding "nos" - it is my mother who know insists that she will bring everyone over this wknd - while we have this massive renovation project under way that will require four times as much work as at any other time of the year. sorry, now i'm feeling defensive. |