Wife doesn't want cleaning lady

[Anonymous]

DW has refused a cleaning lady in the past; at that time she was a SAHM with two little ones. DW was never very organized -it's not one of her strengths. That and her thing is clothes - one of these women that explain to you how they saved you money buy buying their 143rd pair of shoes because they were on sale.

In the past DW would claim that cleaning lady's didn't want to clean. I think now she was having a hard time getting ready for them, in terms of just picking up. So, fast forward, couple of teens, one tween, and a wife that went back to work. House is at the point where DW won't allow guests and if I start to clean in a particular area she was always re-direct me. So, frankly the answer can't be the typical DCUM you need to do more because she doesn't want me touching her stuff. Little ideas like sort the junk mail at the Post Office instead of bringing it home fall on deaf ears because she likes to "go through the mail".

Her housekeeping habits have been a source of contention and frankly while she was a SAHM mom for alot of years I did expect her to "keep the house" while I worked to afford the luxury of her raising our children. That didn't work out too well.

We did not live together before marriage because of DW's religious convictions and family pressures/expectations. I believe that was a mistake because we probably would have realized we were incompatible.

So, I guess any thoughts for living with someone who I guess is a borderline hoarder or clothes horse ?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OMG. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Not at all trying to be flip, but could you two watch an episode of Hoarders together?

I watch that show WHILE I organize or fold clothes or exercise, all the while feeling the overwhelming urge to de clutter my house. Really, it's like watching "Scared Straight" for me...and I am constantly reorganizing and decluttering and strive to keep a very clean house. I am a SAHM and I have a cleaning lady come twice a month. I find that having a cleaning lady keeps me accountable.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry too OP. Any chance you can get her away from the house for several hours and le a cleaning lady come in? Maybe take a day off work? I don't know. This really sucks!

[Anonymous]

Agree with watching hoarders. I have my daughter watch it before sending hervo clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at all trying to be flip, but could you two watch an episode of Hoarders together?

I watch that show WHILE I organize or fold clothes or exercise, all the while feeling the overwhelming urge to de clutter my house. Really, it's like watching "Scared Straight" for me...and I am constantly reorganizing and decluttering and strive to keep a very clean house. I am a SAHM and I have a cleaning lady come twice a month. I find that having a cleaning lady keeps me accountable.

The hoarders' idea is worth a shot. But to your other point which I never realized was that the cleaning lady did keep her accountable and I think that's why she worked to have us get rid of them. I used to think it was a privacy issue but in reality it was a smoke screen.

I think the other part of the problem is it gets so overwhelming that it is often easy to say feck this I'm going out. I get that but it only makes the problem worse. What does get my upset is that my two daughter 's are now completely like this - its all about clothes and their personal spaces are a mess. I try to explain in her generation I married her without living together. My daughters won't have that luxury and no one is going to want to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry too OP. Any chance you can get her away from the house for several hours and le a cleaning lady come in? Maybe take a day off work? I don't know. This really sucks!

Won't work - its not about cleaning its about moving all the stuff out of way to clean. I day off isn't going to cut it - you would need at least 2-3 weeks straight and frankly I find all that where does this go ? Do we want this ? Can I throw this out ? exhausting.

Part of it I would rather have it tidied and cleaned - her idea of clean is piling all the stuff into drawers - whether they close or not and calling it a day. I used to wonder how she cleaned so fast when we were young until you can't open/close the drawers.

[Anonymous]

Bigger house with more closets and love her for who she is.

[Anonymous]

You can hire an organizer to come in and go through each area with your wife. She might be okay with that since they will be sure to not throw away anything. Or they could even do it alone- usually the women doing this are college, or at least high school, educated, so they wont be throwing things away willy-nilly as many cleaning ladies do.

I am super messy and unorganized and I have a cleaning lady that comes where I dont have to pick up at all. I leave pretty much all my stuff as is (and yes, that includes stuff on the floor) and by now she knows what I want thrown away and kept. There have been some mishaps but nothing awful. I pay her extra to do this and it's totally worth it.

In all honesty, if she was super opposed to the idea I might book her a spa day or something and have it done while she's out. She might be upset but she'll probably be grateful in the end, I know I would be.

[Anonymous]

that should say until I realized you can't open/close the drawers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can hire an organizer to come in and go through each area with your wife. She might be okay with that since they will be sure to not throw away anything. Or they could even do it alone- usually the women doing this are college, or at least high school, educated, so they wont be throwing things away willy-nilly as many cleaning ladies do.

I am super messy and unorganized and I have a cleaning lady that comes where I dont have to pick up at all. I leave pretty much all my stuff as is (and yes, that includes stuff on the floor) and by now she knows what I want thrown away and kept. There have been some mishaps but nothing awful. I pay her extra to do this and it's totally worth it.

In all honesty, if she was super opposed to the idea I might book her a spa day or something and have it done while she's out. She might be upset but she'll probably be grateful in the end, I know I would be.

Thanks - that's all good advice.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. My instinct is to be a bit like this (without the shopping. I don't really like shopping). But like a pp, I have a cleaning service come every other week, even though I'm a mostly SAHM (I work a few hrs a week). I do it for my husband, because I'd rather pay a cleaning service than hear him complain about the state of the bathrooms. I go nuts the day before they come because I'm forced to straighten up, but it does help keep order in the house. That, and the fact we're military so we move every few years. At that point, it's purge it or pack it, and I'd rather purge it.

Can you have a quiet talk sometime, with the message of "I love you, but I can't live like this"? Then pay for an organizer to come help put stuff away? Some people have a hard time developing "systems" for their things. Having that can be helpful. And don't put it as if you're doing her a favor (don't get her an organizing service as her christmas present!!). Put it as if it's a favor to you. Because it is.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. My sister is very much like this. It runs in our family. She lives in the family home now, as my parents are deceased, and I hate going over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bigger house with more closets and love her for who she is.

This absolutely won't solve the problem. People who shop excessively and keep clutter will always expand to fill the space. Bigger house just means more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bigger house with more closets and love her for who she is.

x2

[Anonymous]

Ok, this is your house as much as your wife's and you have all right to come to a clean house. If she is a hoarder, decide the rooms (no stuff in the common area, period), all her stuff in one bedroom and she can either let cleaning lady inn to that room or not, but cleaning lady still comes and cleans the common area and your place.