Wife doesn't want cleaning lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a hoarder, OP. You are right about why she doesn't want a cleaning lady. It is a mental illness and probably only one aspect of her mental issues. She is likely narcissistic as well and has boundary issues, a lot of hoarders do.

I grew up like this. My mom was/is a hoarder. A couple of things: her hoarding issues are going to be hard if not impossible to treat, but that doesn't mean your daughters are doomed. I was a mess when I was at home because I didn't know any better but once I moved out I learned proper cleaning habits and I've never lived like that again.

You are going to have to decide how you want to live. She will probably never change.

She is not necessarily a hoarder. There are some people who don't clean because they let the problem get away and then get overwhelmed by the task of trying to catch up. She is quite possibly a hoarder, but not necessarily.

OP--the suggestion for an organizer is a good one. First, you need to see if you can get her on board with this. If not, she probably is a hoarder. However the disorganized overwhelmed types just at the opportunity to have someone help them cope with ap problem that often stresses them out as much as they stress others out. If she is a hoarder, she needs to get help, whether counseling or support-group help, but only when she's willing to admit she has a problem and willing to work on it. Just like any other issue, the person needs to want to correct the problem or nothing will help.

If you can get her on-board, interview organizers together. Different organizers offer different services. What you want is the type of organizer who comes in, does a walk-through evaluation with you and your wife, asks what things need to be kept, etc. Then the organizer and team go through the house, take things out, usually put them in bins and boxes and sort into categories: trash, need-to-review, save, return. They clear out rooms, return the items that have to return in an organized fashion, then pack up the "save" items for storage, then they go through the "review" items with your wife (or she can go through them herself in an evening after they've gone home). They'll help find organizational and storage solutions for her so that she can try to stem the flood earlier rather than later and also ways that she can organize it so that you and the kids can help keep control of the situation.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm always a fan of spinning things like this into a positive . Idea : could you tell your wife you want to dedicate a room to her, and make it into her own dressing room ( any other hobbies like crafts or drawing may work here too).
So you throw some money into the problem by having her pick out California closets or whatever and an organizer ( per previous pp idea) and she gets this special room

Then you start slowly putting all over her stuff laying around the house In her special room

If you don't have the space , you may have to get creative , like transforming a large closet , or an alcove or even part of a hallway . No idea what your space is like obviously but Pintereat has a million ideas on changing spaces

If you have no $$$ to throw at the problem this could be some smaller scale
We did something similar with out messy daughter and it worked well

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, OP, do not clean out or declutter the house without her. I think your wife is depressed. Did she leave a job she loved, lose a close friend or family member, have a traumatic event in her past that caused a loss of security or identity? I second the recommendation of other pps that you read a book on hoarding and the psychological reasons behind the behaviors.

[Anonymous]

The first (and last) episode of Hoarder I watched was similar to OP's story. The mom was a nurse. All she did were work and shop. Her two daughters were the same. The three women looked gorgeous but the house was a mess. The husband could not come home because there was no place for him....