I'm struggling to wake up from this

[Anonymous]

Long long story short, I come from an abusive household where I was told I wasn't loved or lovable. I married a man who was in love with me when I was pretty, but all his actions were withholding and punishing and he would deny me love, affection, respect and sex. I didn't realize how bad it was till he cheated one me, told me it was because I was not worthy of his love and left me and our child. I know all of this, I'm away of the damage, I've actively worked on healing from the damage.

I've been single for almost 2 years now, post divorce, went on a few dates, never interested. A couple of months ago, went on a date I was expecting to fail, it didn't. I clicked with the guy, we shared interests, humor, chemistry. It was great and because it was great I freaked out. I pushed him away too many times and he ran away, I don't blame him.

I know this is dating, I know I shouldn't get serious about anyone so fast, I know there's POF. But I cannot stop thinking about him. About how it felt to be with him. And how badly I want that again. Before I dated him, I was OK with how I was. I wanted love, but not like this. Now, I relive our brief dating (a bit over a month) in my head non-stop. I want him back. Or I want him to tell me he doesn't want me so I get it in my head that we are over. Because he hasn't fully and openly rejected me yet, I think deep down inside I'm holding hope. This is pathetic, I know better. I know a big part of me obsessing over this was that for the first time in a long time, someone made me feel really good. And life had a different taste. I know to behave differently moving forward, but for now, there's a deep ache inside of me that wants that feeling back. I feel after years and years of being treated like shit, I wish this good feeling lasted for more then a few weeks. How do I wake up, and move forward, with a bit of hope, without reliving something that is gone? Flame away, maybe that will be the slap in the face that I need.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are getting in your own way all the time, OP. Maybe you are not ready to date. That's okay. Really.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, therapy, therapy. You have to heal from your childhood before you can function well in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Don't look at your brief relationship as a failure- maybe it was just what you needed to show you what is possible for you. That guy wasn't meant to be forever, just a pit stop along the way. He is a sign that you are picking better men than your ex-husband- imagine how great the next guy will be?
Don't live in the past, move forward and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Have you gone to therapy since your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long long story short, I come from an abusive household where I was told I wasn't loved or lovable. I married a man who was in love with me when I was pretty, but all his actions were withholding and punishing and he would deny me love, affection, respect and sex. I didn't realize how bad it was till he cheated one me, told me it was because I was not worthy of his love and left me and our child. I know all of this, I'm away of the damage, I've actively worked on healing from the damage.

I've been single for almost 2 years now, post divorce, went on a few dates, never interested. A couple of months ago, went on a date I was expecting to fail, it didn't. I clicked with the guy, we shared interests, humor, chemistry. It was great and because it was great I freaked out. I pushed him away too many times and he ran away, I don't blame him.

I know this is dating, I know I shouldn't get serious about anyone so fast, I know there's POF. But I cannot stop thinking about him. About how it felt to be with him. And how badly I want that again. Before I dated him, I was OK with how I was. I wanted love, but not like this. Now, I relive our brief dating (a bit over a month) in my head non-stop. I want him back. Or I want him to tell me he doesn't want me so I get it in my head that we are over. Because he hasn't fully and openly rejected me yet, I think deep down inside I'm holding hope. This is pathetic, I know better. I know a big part of me obsessing over this was that for the first time in a long time, someone made me feel really good. And life had a different taste. I know to behave differently moving forward, but for now, there's a deep ache inside of me that wants that feeling back. I feel after years and years of being treated like shit, I wish this good feeling lasted for more then a few weeks. How do I wake up, and move forward, with a bit of hope, without reliving something that is gone? Flame away, maybe that will be the slap in the face that I need.

There's too much here to respond to all of it, but here are some thoughts from a fellow abuse victim with multiple years of intensive psychotherapy.
1. There is nothing pathetic in how you felt or responded. At all. Nor are you in any way pathetic. You're amazingly strong and resilient to even be squared up and facing tomorrow like you are.
2. You can't just behave differently any more than the cheetah can change it's spots. Your abuse is a part of you, and he best we can do is cope. You can't expect to just act differently. To do so is to invite your cycle of self-loathing to continue.
3. You wake up every day like you always have. The taste of that relationship and his care for you is like proof that this can actually happen. You haven't lost anything, you've gained an infinite amount. Let the deep ache remind you of the value in which someone else holds you. And if one felt that way, trust me, lots of others already do and more will down the road.

I hope you will keep in mind that your journey isn't a solitary one. And FFS, get yourself into some serious therapy. This shit doesn't fade away. I tried that - didn't work. And therapy like this is hard. There's no easy road for us, sister.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for the insight. And yes. I have been regularly going to therapy. And will cotinue to do so. I just miss him and how good this felt.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should learn from this and realize that you do deserve something good, that there are good guys out there and that the next time you find one, that you shouldn't push him away. It was probably too soon before, or you just weren't ready for whatever reason. Or maybe - just maybe - your gut was telling you that something with this particular one wasn't quite right. and now you're idealizing him, which is easy to do when the relationship is over and you're lonely.

Get back out there. Keep dating. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here, again. Thanks. I'm probably romanticizing this too much and maybe my gut was telling me something there, because if he was the man I keep romanticizing in my head, he'd have probably accepted my olive branch when I offered it. Or at least my apology.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, again. Thanks. I'm probably romanticizing this too much and maybe my gut was telling me something there, because if he was the man I keep romanticizing in my head, he'd have probably accepted my olive branch when I offered it. Or at least my apology.

Bingo! This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, again. Thanks. I'm probably romanticizing this too much and maybe my gut was telling me something there, because if he was the man I keep romanticizing in my head, he'd have probably accepted my olive branch when I offered it. Or at least my apology.

sorry OP - by your own admission you pushed him away several times. Any self-respecting person, man or woman, can take only so much.

While I'm very sorry for your pain, do not disillusion yourself into thinking you did nothing wrong - your mistake was that you never properly healed.

take the advice others have given - get help, heal fully and properly and make sure you and your DC are in a great place before even thinking of dating again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, again. Thanks. I'm probably romanticizing this too much and maybe my gut was telling me something there, because if he was the man I keep romanticizing in my head, he'd have probably accepted my olive branch when I offered it. Or at least my apology.

sorry OP - by your own admission you pushed him away several times. Any self-respecting person, man or woman, can take only so much.

While I'm very sorry for your pain, do not disillusion yourself into thinking you did nothing wrong - your mistake was that you never properly healed.

take the advice others have given - get help, heal fully and properly and make sure you and your DC are in a great place before even thinking of dating again.

Not OP, but I don't think she said she did nothing wrong here.

I think it is unfair that people like her, have no right to be damaged, they must heal before bothering others with their pain, but people like him, or anyone else are OK to be hurt and we don't consider that on the same level. Because he clearly is damaged as well, otherwise, his pride wouldn't be more important if she did apologize. Maybe he didn't give an eff, I don't know.

Everyone has baggage, whether they admit it or not, if you go into things honestly and explain that, it is fair to expect the other party be empathetic, if they're not, you deserve someone who is at this part in your life.

Either way, learn from this, heal as much as you can, but you'll never be whole or perfect. And it's fair to expect the man who does share your journey, realizes and respects that, maybe even admires you for what you've been through and how hard you are working to heal from it. Your abuse, how you dealt with it, how you deal with life after it are all parts of you, you should have someone who would appreciate that and accepts all of you. That is true love, and you deserve that. Romanticize this away as long as you don't stalk him or damage yourself. Hang on to the good, wish for more of it, and move forward one tiny step at a time. Be thankful your abusive past is that, a past, and look forward to a good path.

[Anonymous]

I think you're asking for advice on how to not be in love with him, which it seems you are. I don't have advice for that. But, honestly, if it makes you feel good to relive good times, do it. Just remember, he's probably done, or he probably said and did things to get you and when he did he was gonna be done. There are many sides to this story. Truth is, life sucks. If it feels good to relive the good moments, do. Just don't dwell, don't obsess and def. don't drag him into it. If he's meant to play a larger role in your life, he will play it. And if not, look back on the good and be thankful it was good.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read through all the responses, but I'm a big believer in accepting your faults and moving on. I know you said you are in therapy and it's helping. I don't know if you tried but ..... can you reach out to this guy and see what if any feelings are left on his side? He maybe thinking about you as well, but just not wanting to reach out for fear of rejection.