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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Long long story short, I come from an abusive household where I was told I wasn't loved or lovable. I married a man who was in love with me when I was pretty, but all his actions were withholding and punishing and he would deny me love, affection, respect and sex. I didn't realize how bad it was till he cheated one me, told me it was because I was not worthy of his love and left me and our child. I know all of this, I'm away of the damage, I've actively worked on healing from the damage.

I've been single for almost 2 years now, post divorce, went on a few dates, never interested. A couple of months ago, went on a date I was expecting to fail, it didn't. I clicked with the guy, we shared interests, humor, chemistry. It was great and because it was great I freaked out. I pushed him away too many times and he ran away, I don't blame him.

I know this is dating, I know I shouldn't get serious about anyone so fast, I know there's POF. But I cannot stop thinking about him. About how it felt to be with him. And how badly I want that again. Before I dated him, I was OK with how I was. I wanted love, but not like this. Now, I relive our brief dating (a bit over a month) in my head non-stop. I want him back. Or I want him to tell me he doesn't want me so I get it in my head that we are over. Because he hasn't fully and openly rejected me yet, I think deep down inside I'm holding hope. [b]This is pathetic, I know better. [/b]I know a big part of me obsessing over this was that for the first time in a long time, someone made me feel really good. And life had a different taste. [b]I know to behave differently[/b] moving forward, but for now, there's a deep ache inside of me that wants that feeling back. I feel after years and years of being treated like shit, I wish this good feeling lasted for more then a few weeks. [b]How do I wake up, and move forward, with a bit of hope, without reliving something that is gone? [/b]Flame away, maybe that will be the slap in the face that I need. [/quote]

There's too much here to respond to all of it, but here are some thoughts from a fellow abuse victim with multiple years of intensive psychotherapy. 
1. There is nothing pathetic in how you felt or responded. At all. Nor are you in any way pathetic. You're amazingly strong and resilient to even be squared up and facing tomorrow like you are.  
2. You can't just behave differently any more than the cheetah can change it's spots. Your abuse is a part of you, and he best we can do is cope. You can't expect to just act differently. To do so is to invite your cycle of self-loathing to continue.
3. You wake up every day like you always have. The taste of that relationship and his care for you is like proof that this can actually happen. You haven't lost anything, you've gained an infinite amount. Let the deep ache remind you of the value in which someone else holds you. And if one felt that way, trust me, lots of others already do and more will down the road.

I hope you will keep in mind that your journey isn't a solitary one. And FFS, get yourself into some serious therapy. This shit doesn't fade away. I tried that - didn't work. And therapy like this is hard. There's no easy road for us, sister. [/quote]

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