Husband Neglectful In Front Of Children. Advice?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have a one year old and I am pregnant with #2. He has been increasingly resentful and dismissive of me recently, and expresses this behavior in front of DS. Things came to a tipping point this weekend. It was my birthday and DH didn't do anything to celebrate or acknowledge it either from him or from DS. No flowers. No treat. No gift. No candles. Nothing. He did give me a card from a box of cards he has on hand.

I don't like the model this sets for DS, and I have no idea how to improve things. From a parenting perspective or relationship perspective.

Has anyone had a similar situation? How did you resolve it? When I told DH how hurt I was/am he just got angry at me.

FWIW, DH even went to Whole Foods that same day and didn't even think to buy me flowers!

[Anonymous]

You DH sounds like an ass and your should consider counseling. #2 is just going to add more stress.

[Anonymous]

Question was this a planned pregnancy? One that you both agreed to? How did he feel about having #1?

Without background on why he is resentful it's hard to say how you can fix it. But I would try counseling. Hopefully he's receptive to fixing whatever is wrong with your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Hey, are you me? My birthday was last week and I didn't even get a card. And she went to the grocery store and must have walked right past an aisle of cards... I'm pretty hurt. She swears it won't happen next year. We'll see.

Sigh. Sorry I don't have a solution for either of us...

[Anonymous]

It is easy to understand that you are both hurt and angry. I doubt, however, that your one yr. old noticed or cared. If I were you, I would not be passive aggressive and would ask him what the hell is wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

Counseling

[Anonymous]

My dad was like your husband and it was an awful example for my brother and me. I didn't understand that I should seek a partner who respected me more, and my brother has gone horribly overboard in gift giving ($8,000 in diamond jewelry for a new girlfriend of 3 months, and nowhere near the salary to support that).

So I agree it has to change. Sit your husband down at a time neither of you is stressed, tell him you feel one of the most important aspects of parenting is modeling healthy, loving adult relationships, and it both hurts your feelings and fails to meet those parenting goals if he fails to show some effort in holidays and birthdays. Ask him why he doesn't. Does he not want to spend a lot of money? Does he feel he "should" spend a lot of money but doesn't feel it's in the budget, so he just gives up? Is he upset in general? With you? Something else?

Give him an idea of what you'd like and ask him what he'd like for birthdays. A weekend away? A card? Dinner out? A real, wrapped present? Dollar range? Lay it all out there and see if you guys can come up with something acceptable to both of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, what, if anything, did your DH do to celebrate your birthday in the past? Is your birthday very important to you. If so, does he know and appreciate that? Birthdays mean very little to me (or DH), so I'm not surprised when DH doesn't do much for them. Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much and celebrate a lot of things, but never birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is easy to understand that you are both hurt and angry. I doubt, however, that your one yr. old noticed or cared. If I were you, I would not be passive aggressive and would ask him what the hell is wrong with him.

+1 this has nothing to do with your one-year old. Use your words. Counseling may be good. Also mind your hormones.

[Anonymous]

What some of the pps fail to get is this situation has nothing to do with a birthday. There is alot of underlying stuff going on that needs to be addressed in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

If you have a one year old and are pregnant with #2, your DH may feel overwhelmed. I remember my first Mother's Day I got a bag of Twizzler's from DH. I was underwhelmed. But he has since really stepped up to the plate.

Let him know you felt disappointed. Don't sit on it.

[Anonymous]

Some guesses:
- there's less sex in your lives right now
- he is feeling neglected himself
- he didn't really want #2

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear this OP. While your baby is probably not going to notice now, this is learned behavior and as he gets older he will notice and model the behavior.

Why on earth did you have #2 with this man?

I agree that you need relationship counseling ASAP. If your bday was important to you (which it clearly was) and Your DH was so clueless to go to whole foods and not even get you a card/cake/flowers then your lines of communication are in dire straits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry to hear this OP. While your baby is probably not going to notice now, this is learned behavior and as he gets older he will notice and model the behavior.

Why on earth did you have #2 with this man?

I agree that you need relationship counseling ASAP. If your bday was important to you (which it clearly was) and Your DH was so clueless to go to whole foods and not even get you a card/cake/flowers then your lines of communication are in dire straits.

A little dramatic, and a little mean. Not helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have tried counseling before without success. In fact, DH didn't like what the therapist was saying and stormed out, saying he would never return to another session. And he hasn't.

I don't know who else I can speak to outside of this anonymous forum. If I try to discuss with anyone in family, friends, etc., DH gets furious bc it reflects negatively.

Oh, and in addition to bearing two of his children, I also work full time and am a primary income provider.

Do you think it's worth trying counseling again?

And, yes, #1 and #2 were both planned. We had to have medical interventions due to some physical issues.