Husband Neglectful In Front Of Children. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some guesses:
- there's less sex in your lives right now
- he is feeling neglected himself
- he didn't really want #2

I had similar guesses and also the guess that OP may be making more requests in general, in anticipation of #2 and/or because she's pregnant and has a LO on her hands.

I'd recommend counseling and trying to hear--really hear--why DH is resentful and upset. Does he worry about money and didn't want a second child? Does he feel overwhelmed at work and doesn't want more requests on him? Does he feel neglected?

It's not that he's right and you're wrong, but if you can't hear what is really bothering him, I doubt you can fix this and once #2 is here, things are going to get a lot crazier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have a one year old and I am pregnant with #2. He has been increasingly resentful and dismissive of me recently, and expresses this behavior in front of DS. Things came to a tipping point this weekend. It was my birthday and DH didn't do anything to celebrate or acknowledge it either from him or from DS. No flowers. No treat. No gift. No candles. Nothing. He did give me a card from a box of cards he has on hand.

I don't like the model this sets for DS, and I have no idea how to improve things. From a parenting perspective or relationship perspective.

Has anyone had a similar situation? How did you resolve it? When I told DH how hurt I was/am he just got angry at me.

FWIW, DH even went to Whole Foods that same day and didn't even think to buy me flowers!

What's the original source of your conflict? The bare acknowledgement of your birthday doesn't really bother me -- that's a symptom of something else. (And, please, your kid is a year old -- he doesn't absorb any precedence).

Sounds to me like he's mad at you about something specific. What is it?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't sound very mature. Quick to anger, storms out of counseling, doesn't tell you what's bothering him....he needs to learn how to socialize with adults.

So if he won't go back to counseling, ask him what he wants. What would make him happy. If he's just grumpy in general, tell him to change his attitude because the marriage is at risk.

you deserve someone who remembers your birthday

[Anonymous]

I think you get a cake. You get candles. You celebrate.

[Anonymous]

Counseling, for you, whether or not he goes. Your relationship is in ill health, DH refuses to acknowledge that, you're bearing the brunt of it, and there are 2 children involved. Go stat before the baby comes and everything is 100x harder.

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time believing he agreed to #2.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you don't have much of a backbone and your DH is a bit of a bully. Do you have your own separate bank account? If not I would start one, and once you have enough money to move and support yourself and your son (plus #2) give your DH an ultimatum. Either counseling or you are leaving.

[Anonymous]

Based on your second repy it doesnt sound like he is going to change or wants to change.

I would start saving your money and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing he agreed to #2.

I agree. He sounds resentful. Storming out of counseling? Does he give you the silent treatment?

[Anonymous]

I just read your first post again. You say he has become increasingly resentful. Why? Start with that question before brainstorming solutions. The missed birthday was his way of showing you he's angry and wants to hurt you too.

[Anonymous]

Ride it out until your second baby is close to school-aged (ie, not needy in the same way as an infant) and divorce him. I don't know what went wrong, but if he's not willing to fix it what can you do? Grin and bear it until you can get out. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others that there's something else underlying this, and it's worthwhile to try to figure out what. Maybe just ask him directly - "I was surprised this year that you didn't do anything for my birthday, because usually we do a lot more for each other. What was up with that?"

It's also worth thinking about what you might be contributing to your marriage issues as well. "Husband Neglectful In Front Of Children," when one child is only a year old and the other is still in utero, is kind of manipulative.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell him if he doesn't want to have counseling he needs to tell you what's wrong so you can address it and work to make it better, whatever the problem is. The negative vibe is bad for all 4 of you. Really try to listen and also let him know you both need each other right now.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are me as of 10 years ago. My daughter now sees my husband's tantrums (very scary), and he is suing me for a huge financial settlement since he burned thru his assets on trips with friends and treating everyone to lunches and dinners to be "the guy". You should create your exit plan NOW. Document everything he does and use dates and times and also witnesses (family included.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have a one year old and I am pregnant with #2. He has been increasingly resentful and dismissive of me recently, and expresses this behavior in front of DS. Things came to a tipping point this weekend. It was my birthday and DH didn't do anything to celebrate or acknowledge it either from him or from DS. No flowers. No treat. No gift. No candles. Nothing. He did give me a card from a box of cards he has on hand.

I don't like the model this sets for DS, and I have no idea how to improve things. From a parenting perspective or relationship perspective.

Has anyone had a similar situation? How did you resolve it? When I told DH how hurt I was/am he just got angry at me.

FWIW, DH even went to Whole Foods that same day and didn't even think to buy me flowers!

Hang on; sounds like your DH forgot it was your birthday so scurried to his stack of cards to recover. That is typical guy behavior and as someone who's been there, I've made peace with it and remind him my birthday's coming up and what I would like.

But sounds like he doesn't like to admit he screwed up and attacks instead. Did you tell DH how upset you were when you in front of your kid? Because that could explain the outburst.