Painful Breakup - how to cope

[Anonymous]

Been single & dating for about 1.5 years after a broken engagement, never married. In that time I probably dated over a dozen people and was not interested in most of them. I met a man that finally peaked my interest and we dated exclusively for the last month. Out of nowhere he broke up with me. We never fought and on many levels I felt like we just fit together. He seemed to feel the same way, but obviously something happened.

I'm totally crushed. Nearly two weeks since we last spoke and I still find myself crying in my car during the day. I've talked the ears off my Mom and girlfriends. So I'm posting here. Can anyone relate? How did you feel better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been single & dating for about 1.5 years after a broken engagement, never married. In that time I probably dated over a dozen people and was not interested in most of them. I met a man that finally peaked my interest and we dated exclusively for the last month. Out of nowhere he broke up with me. We never fought and on many levels I felt like we just fit together. He seemed to feel the same way, but obviously something happened.

I'm totally crushed. Nearly two weeks since we last spoke and I still find myself crying in my car during the day. I've talked the ears off my Mom and girlfriends. So I'm posting here. Can anyone relate? How did you feel better?

Should say we dated for the last 3 months...not month!

[Anonymous]

Could you write him and ask him why. Just tell him really it's for your own sanity and state that you have no intention of blaming him.

If he responds, you can reply once but don't dwell on it if he doesn't ever want to deal with you.

But if he doesn't reply, let it go. Just take it that he didn't feel the same way you did or have just found someone better and it's better than getting together and then going through divorce!

Cheer up. I had been in the same position but now found a great husband....

[Anonymous]

By the way. 3 months is not long. Some people had been in a marriage for years and then poof. The guy just wanted out. That's worse right? Better it happened now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you write him and ask him why. Just tell him really it's for your own sanity and state that you have no intention of blaming him.

If he responds, you can reply once but don't dwell on it if he doesn't ever want to deal with you.

But if he doesn't reply, let it go. Just take it that he didn't feel the same way you did or have just found someone better and it's better than getting together and then going through divorce!

Cheer up. I had been in the same position but now found a great husband....

Thank you PP. He gave me a reason that was a deal breaker for him. I figure it is not the real reason or only part of it because he's known about it since we first started dating and wouldn't discuss it. Agree it is better than divorce. I'm just reeling from another "failure" (my engagement was several years ago to a different person). Moreso I'm mourning the loss of something that I not only made me happy but had potential. Now he's gone.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Are you able to share the reason and also why you think he is not being truthful? Just for argent sake, if you changed, will he take you in either?

Whatever it is, if his mind is reallY made up, you can't change it.

Also, I think you should not think of your previous relationship either and take it as a "continued" failure. They are two separate cases and I am suspecting that you didn't seem to have closure on that one too. Personally, try to let go. Don't feel the pressure that a relationship had to work and stressed up over it. It could well be the real reason why this second guy left you.

Maybe you should take a break. Take a small vacation and invest in "you time" Then set no expectations of friendships that come. And if it happens, great. Otherwise they are friends that have peppered your life journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Are you able to share the reason and also why you think he is not being truthful? Just for argent sake, if you changed, will he take you in either?

Whatever it is, if his mind is reallY made up, you can't change it.

Also, I think you should not think of your previous relationship either and take it as a "continued" failure. They are two separate cases and I am suspecting that you didn't seem to have closure on that one too. Personally, try to let go. Don't feel the pressure that a relationship had to work and stressed up over it. It could well be the real reason why this second guy left you.

Maybe you should take a break. Take a small vacation and invest in "you time" Then set no expectations of friendships that come. And if it happens, great. Otherwise they are friends that have peppered your life journey.

He said that my custody situation was a deal breaker because it doesn't work for the military. I think it wasn't the whole truth because I was upfront about it from the beginning, specifically asked that we discuss it should we get serious, and it wouldn't impact the future for several years. He did not discuss it before deciding to end our relationship over it.

Thank you on your perspective. It is hard not to feel like I've failed given that I'm single. I know I need to heal but feel pressure to settle down given that I am getting older and very much so desire a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm totally crushed. Nearly two weeks since we last spoke and I still find myself crying in my car during the day. I've talked the ears off my Mom and girlfriends. So I'm posting here. Can anyone relate? How did you feel better?

I'm a guy, but I can relate. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee. The last time I was really 'crushed' it was in a 1.5 year relationship. It didn't even fully hit me for almost a month, and then the shock wore off and I kind of fell apart for a bit. Random crying - full on sobbing, the dry-heave kind, and insomnia, etc. It was bad. That went on for 6-8 weeks.

What I came to understand was that a lot of the pain wasn't really over losing her - it was the pain of the ego wound of being dumped. Doing things which made me feel better about my self and focusing on building my own ego and self-esteem back up were the key. One of those things was going out and meeting other people. I'm not suggesting you run right out into another relationship, but further along, that was a step that was important. I did a more objective post-mortem on the relationship, and saw myself and my flaws and mistakes clearly - something I was doing from the get go because I blamed myself for the whole failure - and then also her flaws and mistakes.

The trouble is there is no instant magic bullet. Time and enduring - feeling - your feelings is the only "cure". Eventually those "love" circuits in your heart and brain - the ones that are keyed to this person - burn out. Then it gets easier to seem them and yourself realistically and not in some idealized form.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.

[Anonymous]

Know that it's going to hurt. Don't try to run from the pain. Therapy can help because it's a neutral person to dump on emotionally. I've done that before when I felt I was leaning too hard on friends.

I also understood intellectually I didn't miss the guy, but the promise and potential of a future with that guy. It took awhile for my heart to catch up to my brain on that, but it eventually did.

I found new activities to fill the time that had been spent with him. Instead of long Sunday morning talks/reading the paper together/getting coffee, which I loved, I started biking. Exercise, especially outdoor exercise, is super-helpful to your mood in general.

You could also start a new hobby you've wanted to try out, but never got around to. Put something new and interesting in your life to help offset the loss.

Good luck. It "will" get better.

And you "will" meet someone new who will be special to you. It just might take a little time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a guy, but I can relate. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee. The last time I was really 'crushed' it was in a 1.5 year relationship. It didn't even fully hit me for almost a month, and then the shock wore off and I kind of fell apart for a bit. Random crying - full on sobbing, the dry-heave kind, and insomnia, etc. It was bad. That went on for 6-8 weeks.

Me-fucking-ow. Jesus Christ, get it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.

I don't have and never had a true family even though I have a child. I was in an abusive relationship that continues to pay in spades, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm totally crushed. Nearly two weeks since we last spoke and I still find myself crying in my car during the day. I've talked the ears off my Mom and girlfriends. So I'm posting here. Can anyone relate? How did you feel better?

I'm a guy, but I can relate. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee. The last time I was really 'crushed' it was in a 1.5 year relationship. It didn't even fully hit me for almost a month, and then the shock wore off and I kind of fell apart for a bit. Random crying - full on sobbing, the dry-heave kind, and insomnia, etc. It was bad. That went on for 6-8 weeks.

What I came to understand was that a lot of the pain wasn't really over losing her - it was the pain of the ego wound of being dumped. Doing things which made me feel better about my self and focusing on building my own ego and self-esteem back up were the key. One of those things was going out and meeting other people. I'm not suggesting you run right out into another relationship, but further along, that was a step that was important. I did a more objective post-mortem on the relationship, and saw myself and my flaws and mistakes clearly - something I was doing from the get go because I blamed myself for the whole failure - and then also her flaws and mistakes.

The trouble is there is no instant magic bullet. Time and enduring - feeling - your feelings is the only "cure". Eventually those "love" circuits in your heart and brain - the ones that are keyed to this person - burn out. Then it gets easier to seem them and yourself realistically and not in some idealized form.

Thank you PP for sharing. Ignore the ridiculous poster. I know in time I will see this as the best outcome. My fantasies did stretch the plausibility of how to make "military life" work as compared to someone with a less intense job. Didn't change how strongly a felt for him and us. I would have readily signed up for the life if I didn't have my child to care for too. I mourn the fact that I wish the timing were different or he was more willing to make it work.

[Anonymous]

I had a reallly painful breakup after 4 months of dating. Really felt crushed. Loss of the potential and also really liked him. It's a year now and it's better but I still wince when I think of him. You never really get a full explanation. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...but then he started to date someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.

I don't have and never had a true family even though I have a child. I was in an abusive relationship that continues to pay in spades, clearly.

YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE A FAMILY!!! Please do not dismiss your child - your responsibility - in this way. Perhaps you should focus more on that and less on dating, at least for the time being.