Men, Affairs, Love and Compartments

[Anonymous]

What do men mean when they say they can put their feelings for you in a compartment when they're with their wife? Is that really possible? I have recently ended an affair and he is always in the back of my mind, either as an active memory or thought, or just as a feeling. He said that when he left he would put his feelings for me away and only think of me when a trigger reminded him of me, or at night, or when he was alone. I wish I could do that and wonder how men do it.

As background, we connected deeply and intensely, and ended it because even though we knew we were so right together, in the context of an affair it was wrong. He is going back to work on his marriage and I am moving forward alone, trying to fix myself and stay away from men altogether.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a doormat. Pretty easy to put your feelings for someone aside when they allow you to treat them like something they'd wipe their feet on. I hope you don't learn to mimic that behavior, it just perpetuates in a cycle. Turn the other cheek by choosing the higher path of treating people with respect. That requires strength, and shows it as well. Good people will recognize it.

[Anonymous]

It's biological and natural. Men are hard wired to swoop in and dissapear. Women are hard wired to nest . We re wire ourselves to be civilized . A man can
A) give himself a lobotomy and ride around on a lawn mower.
B) comparentalize
C) become an alchoholic
D) fake his death and change identity
E) love for TV sports

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like my cousin. Good for you! So glad you are moving forward...I think man can compartmentalize the same as women can with work stuff. I can be a different person when I show up to work and be in that space pretty happily while I am there but once I leave there and go home. Home is where the heart is, sure I'll be annoyed with work stuff sometimes and complaint about it but it doesn't impact my daily life at home and I think that is how men deal with affairs?

[Anonymous]

Your version of deep and intense is not the same as his version.

[Anonymous]

this can't really be a serious question. you were the OW. you got to be fucked whenever your AP wanted to bust a nut. and you actually think he had real feelings for you despite the truth/fact that he went back to save his marriage.

please. fixing yourself is the only thing you need to worry about - and understand why you eagerly let yourself be a doormat, since you're in control of your own actions and behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this can't really be a serious question. you were the OW. you got to be fucked whenever your AP wanted to bust a nut. and you actually think he had real feelings for you despite the truth/fact that he went back to save his marriage.

please. fixing yourself is the only thing you need to worry about - and understand why you eagerly let yourself be a doormat, since you're in control of your own actions and behavior.

Look I'm not saying an affair is a good thing, but it's entirely possible the man had feelings for her. It's not always JUST sex. There's a lot in between the man leaving his wife and the man "busting a nut."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this can't really be a serious question. you were the OW. you got to be fucked whenever your AP wanted to bust a nut. and you actually think he had real feelings for you despite the truth/fact that he went back to save his marriage.

please. fixing yourself is the only thing you need to worry about - and understand why you eagerly let yourself be a doormat, since you're in control of your own actions and behavior.

Look I'm not saying an affair is a good thing, but it's entirely possible the man had feelings for her. It's not always JUST sex. There's a lot in between the man leaving his wife and the man "busting a nut."

did he leave his wife? no, he went back to his wife. please, let's not look for more into something that was pretty simple and basic - it was sex and she filled a need for him.

does it come across harsh? yes, I get that. but let's be honest about what it was. sparing feelings doesn't help anything - OP has to stop the self-destructive behavior if she wants to have a real meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why are women so quick to equate the attitudes and actions of ONE man as the prevailing mindset and habits of ALL men?
Shit is ridiculous. Every dude is different- you wanna make sweeping allegations like that then your ass needs to be single until you grow the hell up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this can't really be a serious question. you were the OW. you got to be fucked whenever your AP wanted to bust a nut. and you actually think he had real feelings for you despite the truth/fact that he went back to save his marriage.

please. fixing yourself is the only thing you need to worry about - and understand why you eagerly let yourself be a doormat, since you're in control of your own actions and behavior.

Look I'm not saying an affair is a good thing, but it's entirely possible the man had feelings for her. It's not always JUST sex. There's a lot in between the man leaving his wife and the man "busting a nut."

did he leave his wife? no, he went back to his wife. please, let's not look for more into something that was pretty simple and basic - it was sex and she filled a need for him.

does it come across harsh? yes, I get that. but let's be honest about what it was. sparing feelings doesn't help anything - OP has to stop the self-destructive behavior if she wants to have a real meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

NP. I've had an affair. I deeply loved my AP. Knew I'd never leave my spouse.

It's not always black and white.

[Anonymous]

As a man, I can tell you that my brain is fully equipped to:
1. screw some hot sweet thing when the opportunity arises
2. completely blank out any thoughts of wife/kids while with OW
3. totally justify this behavior (well if my wife hadn't gained 50 pounds and forgotten all about BJs.....)
4. return home to the family and not give 2 seconds thought about the OW

Amazing talent that I never thought I would have or feel entitled to.
But here I am, and I do.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious. For both men and women who have affairs. Do you talk to your AP about your family? Wife and kids? Or is the off limits?

[Anonymous]

Women can do this too, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do men mean when they say they can put their feelings for you in a compartment when they're with their wife? Is that really possible? I have recently ended an affair and he is always in the back of my mind, either as an active memory or thought, or just as a feeling. He said that when he left he would put his feelings for me away and only think of me when a trigger reminded him of me, or at night, or when he was alone. I wish I could do that and wonder how men do it.

As background, we connected deeply and intensely, and ended it because even though we knew we were so right together, in the context of an affair it was wrong. He is going back to work on his marriage and I am moving forward alone, trying to fix myself and stay away from men altogether.

Sweetie. DW here. It means when life is good he forgets (oh, sorry I mean compartmentalizes you) and when life gets tough he turns into the little boy that wants to fuck the first thing he sees. Is this really so deep and profound that you can't get it??

[Anonymous]

And this is why screwing a married man is a bad thing...