I'm very attracted to my boss. Please give me reasons not to have an affair
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Anonymous
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We are both in stable, but unhappy marriages with minor children. We feel very attracted to each other, I guess because none of us is in love with our respective spouses anymore, and it's hard to resist the butterflies in the stomach. It's nice to be considered attractive and desirable, especially when DH doesn't appreciate me as a woman anymore. The same applies to him, I guess.
I am very concerned that if we give in to our impulses, it will go badly. I really need this job. I mean what do I expect from this relationship? Neither of us wants to leave our spouses. I think our attraction to each other and especially our willingness to actually go through with an affair has a lot to do with the emptiness of our marriages. In my mind I'm conjuring up steamy images with my boss, but I cannot imagine doing the same things with DH. It's really sad. Just for the record, we've tried marriage counseling and actually working on our marriage. DH lost interest in the topic very soon. |
Anonymous
| Find something gross or disturbing about your boss. Then fixate on it. ALL THE TIME. |
Anonymous
| You answered your own question - you need your job. If you have the affair, you will lose your job one way or another. The affair is just a temporary fix for your marriage problems. Maybe talk to a lawyer and start planning for divorce, but don't screw up your job at the same time. |
Anonymous
| Reasons not to have an affair? Same as always - you're not a faithless oathbreaker. Don't like your husband? Deal with that. Either fix the problem or end the marriage. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for your replies. I really don't have experience with affairs. Maybe I am also naïve, but I don't know why he would want to fire me later on if he is attracted to me now. I am just not familiar with what really happens around a workplace affair. |
Anonymous
He could turn out to be really shitty in bed... He could be some kind of sick pervert and want me to do him with a strap-on... He could secretly film the whole thing and then use it to blackmail me... He could tell everyone we work with and then I'll be known as the office whore... It could backfire and I could lose my job... I could get caught by my husband... My husband would never forgive me... He could get caught by his wife... She may freak out and try to kill me... His life and/or my life could be totally ruined - all the drama of divorce, all the shame... |
Anonymous
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What happens around a workplace affair is:
a) no one finds out, but the affair ends and things become tense and uncomfortable for both people involved. b) someone finds out and one or both of you gets fired - most likely him since he is your supervisor and it is unethical and likely against company policy for him to be in a sexual relationship with you, regardless of either of your marital statuses c) it works out perfectly, you both decide to leave your spouses and marry each other, and then one of you needs to find a new job - again, most likely him because he's your supervisor. |
Anonymous
OP here again. Apparently I cannot fix the problem, and I don't want to screw up my kids' lives just because their dad and I are more like roommates now. Equally, I don't want to screw up my boss' family either, or destroy another women's sense of security (her happiness is already compromised, I am sure). Btw, my husband would have nothing at all against me having affairs. He has his own. So the "breaking-the-wow"-part is not a problem at all. |
Anonymous
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Okay, here are the options for what happens during a workplace affair:
1) The wife finds out and insists that he fire you 2) Your husband finds out and insists that you quit 3) You break it off and your boss fires you because he's angry 4) Your boss breaks it off and he fires you to make it easier 5) Someone else at the office figures it out and he has to fire you to save face or avoid charges 6) The wife finds out and leaves your boss, who fires you out of anger etc. etc. See how many ways that ends with you losing your job? The least likely options are 6) You mutually end the affair and nobody is the wiser and everyone continues to work together happily 7) You mutually decide to end your marriages and live happily ever after together |
Anonymous
| Sorry for repeats; looks like many of us had the same response at the same time |
Anonymous
You forgot she also wants to betray her children. She doesn't have any concern over the welfare of his wife and her children. He is flirting with you to get laid, don't flatter yourself. If he was even remotely honorable, as a boss, he would never become personally involved with an employee. |
Anonymous
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OP here again. Thanks for laying out the options -- some of them made me smile.
Happily, he has his own company, so company policy doesn't apply to him. But still, things could get really awkward if the bed part is not working out well (my problems with DH stem partially from the physical part of our relationship). |
Anonymous
Fine. Then have a conversation with your husband about having an open marriage and establish ground rules. One of those ground rules should be not being sexually involved with anyone who would jeopardize the family's stability, like an employer or a close family friend. |
Anonymous
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My spouse started an affair with her supervisor. Big boss found out. Very uncomfortable meeting followed. My spouse had to sign paperwork saying that it wasn't a sexual harassment situation and that she and affair wouldn't behave inappropriately at work. Now the business is getting bought out, and I'm worried about spouse's job. New owners seem like hardasses who won't want a problem employee who is a potential legal liability. I can't imagine it makes her look very good to the old owners either.
My advice: think about your 5-year plan not your 7-minutes-of-heaven plan. If you are really unhappy in your marriage, tell your spouse, begin divorce proceedings. When you are actually free you can take up with your boss. The world will have a lot more respect for you if you do things that way. |
Anonymous
| OP here again. Now I really do understand why so many affairs happen at the workplace. You spend so much time with your colleagues, all in a non-threatening, no-date-pressure environment. |