MIL untruthful about her relationship with SIL and potential SIL
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Anonymous
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Unlike many people I get along really well with my MIL. She is almost like a second mum to me. She has three sons and no daughters. Last year her youngest son married a young lady. SIL lives about an hour away from me near MIL. MIL and I talk often during the week. Sometimes more than once a day even. Lately I've found out that she's been lying to me about her relationship with her new DIL and also with her potential daughter in law. She has said in the past that she is not close with SIL. But recently I have discovered that she hangs out with them individually quite often. Although she's under no obligation to run down her day to me she will often tell me she's done nothing all day or that she went out shopping alone and later I will find out from BIL, SIL or potential SiL that they went out with her on such day when she pretended to be alone. I'm in no way upset about this other than the fact that she feels the need to be dishonest. Is this normal? Is it how women with no daughters act in order to try to balance out the in law relationships? I know that MIL looks at me as a daughter and that we are close. In the past MIL has told me she will never be close to another one of her son's future wives because I am like a true daughter and no one will take my place. My response to her was that I appreciated that but was sure that she would find something to connect with in each of us. I was not close minded to the fact that there would be two more women in her life. Can anyone reason why this is happening? I feel like it makes for an awkward situation for me, SIL and potential SIL and that it could be a recipe for disaster in making us feel like we are in competition with one another. For me she is a great MIL, but it's obvious to me that she doesn't know how to juggle her relationships with us. What can I do to keep this from becoming an issue?
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Anonymous
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No one will take your place, OP. You have a relationship with your MIL that is unique and special. But your MIL sounds like she is afraid of you. Afraid of your negative reaction to a friendship with your new SIL. Because that's what she is. She's not a "young lady" who married the youngest son. She's a family member. And you sound a bit competitive and insecure. MIL knows how to juggle her relationships (she has 3 sons); you don't. If she doesn't want to reveal to you that she spent time with her new DIL, consider why. Perhaps she feels you might get upset.
I would suggest some outings for ALL of you. Your life has changed. |
Anonymous
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Totally weird.
Do you like your SILs? Maybe you can talk about them positively and try and arrange some joint outings? Maybe if she sees how all of you can have fun together she'll stop thinking this way? |
Anonymous
| Wellyou are the issue, so fix that |
Anonymous
Op here, Interesting enough I have suggested this in the past. These outings actually never came to fruition. I am not concerned with someone taking my place. I have my own mum and feel that there is room in MIL's heart for all of us. I don't expect her to give me play by play of every interaction that she has with them. That would be crazy. But I do expect honesty and think it's weird that after I talk to you on the phone. I find out that you aren't actually going to xyz place as you mentioned but that you have a spa day with SIL or potential SIL. I'm surprised that I'm the only one that finds this weird. I'm also surprised that I'm being labeled the problem. |
Anonymous
There's only one SIL. We aren't bff's but we have an amicable relationship. Future SIL and I have much more in common, and I feel that she and I will probably be closer because of this. Also to address the " young lady" comment from earlier. I meant they in no way to be disparaging. Obviously she's a family member. I've referred to her as SIL the entire post., |
Anonymous
| I bet MIL is running a drug ring. |
Anonymous
That's weird, OP. next time it happens, can you casually let her know you know, in a tone that let's get know there's no problem? Ex. "I heard you got a massage on Tuesday. Was it amazing? I'm so happy you got a little pampering!" and then casually move on to another topic. Also, can you build your relationships with your SILs? (DCUM grammar freaks, I know it's really SsIL, but doesn't that look incredibly pedantic?!  ). Hang out with them without your MIL, and over time hopefully she'll realize there's no problem here and stop lying.
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Anonymous
Thanks for the feedback. I have considered hanging out with them without her around and didn't follow through. I think it's a great idea! It seems to be the consensus that my Mil is nervous that I may not be able to handle her having a close relationship with another DIL. I definitely want to be a team player. |
Anonymous
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Also I would love to hear from
Mothers who have only sons. Please share your perspective on this or at the least how you balance things. Thanks |
Anonymous
This is where you're being dishonest, OP. You do expect a play by play of her day and she if she doesn't give it to you, you accuse her of being dishonest. This is nonsense on your part. She doesn't owe you any explanation of her contact with her other DILs or potential DILs. It isn't your business what she does unless she chooses to tell you. Stop being passive aggressive and saying you don't care about their every interaction while keeping score and judging your MIL and how she spends her time. Yes, OP, you are the problem here. |
Anonymous
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Actually I don't expect a run down of every time she is in contact with SIL or future SIL. I'm not without my own issues but I definitely don't see how I am the problem. I think it's odd to blatantly lie about where you were to me when you are with them. No she's under no obligation to tell me anything, but as much as we converse it's very weird and awkward that she talks about everything under the sun but never about her interaction(s) with them and that she feels the need to say " I've been home doing nothing all day vs " Kim and I hung out and had a good time today" etc etc.
I have since spoken to others in my life about this and they don't seem to think I am the issue. (They have no problem telling me I am) Although they think I'm not the problem they think I should just not worry about it. They think it's her problem to work out. |
Anonymous
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People lie for many reasons, OP. One of the common reasons people lie is not necessarily to deceive others but to maintain their autonomy and independence. They don't necessarily want to have to give "the whole story" all the time. It's not a lie that is intended to fool other people or trip them up or weave a web of deceit. It's a lie that creates a boundary and says, in essence, "Look, my day is my day. I'm only telling you as much as I feel I need to. The rest is for me and me alone." Think about your own life, you probably do this too. It's not weird, it's normal.
Take the lie for what it means, not what you think it implies about her. And let her have space to have relationships as she chooses. I would not initiate conversations about the relationships or outings. Ask her if she had a fun day. |
Anonymous
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I agree with 7:08 that all of us maintain boundaries by omitting information in some way or another when interacting with the people in our lives. Some are more extreme than others.
Your MILs omissions do sound odd and extreme, since, added up, they apparently give the impression of no interactions with other DIL to another DIL (you) when interactions are taking place over a period of time. Additionally, she's telling you she's doing A when, as you've found out, she's doing B, and B involves interactions with DIL. So you're not bothered by a chance omission here and there, you're bothered by a pattern of what seems to be a manipulation of the truth. Who knows why she's doing this. Since you describe her as a kind woman, her motives may be benign. I think you're being very reasonable to feel uncomfortable, but it may not be productive to "rock the boat." As an aside, my personal experience with this kind of manipulation tends to make me suspicious of motives - I have family members who routinely edit what they tell people for genuinely hurtful reasons. |
Anonymous
| Op -- why does any of this matter to you? Myob |