MIL untruthful about her relationship with SIL and potential SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op -- why does any of this matter to you? Myob

Op, It matters as it would if it was any other person in my life lying to me. The fact that it's my MIl should not make a difference. It could be a friend, parent, spouse and I would still wonder why and what the motivation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 7:08 that all of us maintain boundaries by omitting information in some way or another when interacting with the people in our lives. Some are more extreme than others.

Your MILs omissions do sound odd and extreme, since, added up, they apparently give the impression of no interactions with other DIL to another DIL (you) when interactions are taking place over a period of time. Additionally, she's telling you she's doing A when, as you've found out, she's doing B, and B involves interactions with DIL. So you're not bothered by a chance omission here and there, you're bothered by a pattern of what seems to be a manipulation of the truth.

Who knows why she's doing this. Since you describe her as a kind woman, her motives may be benign. I think you're being very reasonable to feel uncomfortable, but it may not be productive to "rock the boat."

As an aside, my personal experience with this kind of manipulation tends to make me suspicious of motives - I have family members who routinely edit what they tell people for genuinely hurtful reasons.

Op, thanks. I definitely omit certain info when I'm speaking to others. I'm not necessarily untruthful about my relationships though, as I'm not sure why one would need to be. Doing so feels very high school. But whatever the case, I understand that everyone doesn't think like me. MIL has her reasons. I just
cant wrap my brain around what her motives are. MIL is an only child, been the only woman in her husband and son's life for 30+ years. She's accustomed to being in control. This may be her way of keeping control in her new normal. (Woman in the family)
No sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op -- why does any of this matter to you? Myob


Op, It matters as it would if it was any other person in my life lying to me. The fact that it's my MIl should not make a difference. It could be a friend, parent, spouse and I would still wonder why and what the motivation is.

It doesn't matter what her motivation is. It doesn't matter if she lies to you about her personal life that you have no right to know about.

It just isn't your business how she spends her days and if you don't want to be lied to, then don't ask about things that are not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op -- why does any of this matter to you? Myob


Op, It matters as it would if it was any other person in my life lying to me. The fact that it's my MIl should not make a difference. It could be a friend, parent, spouse and I would still wonder why and what the motivation is.

It doesn't matter what her motivation is. It doesn't matter if she lies to you about her personal life that you have no right to know about.

It just isn't your business how she spends her days and if you don't want to be lied to, then don't ask about things that are not your business.

Wait a minute. If you found out someone you were close to was lying to you, your reaction would honestly be "huh, I guess that's bone of my business."? End of discussion? What if it's your husband or sister or kid?

[Anonymous]

Op, I think that you're making way too much out of this. If you're as close as you say, then next time you talk say, I heard from "Gina" that the two of you had a great time shopping the other day. I am so happy that the two of you are spending time together. Did you buy anything special? If she says that she didn't want to hurt your feelings by mentioning the outings to you, then you can reiterate that you want her to be close to all of her DIL's and you want to be close to your SIL's -- one big happy family. Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

OP on some level are you hurt that she is developing close relationships with the other SILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I don't expect a run down of every time she is in contact with SIL or future SIL. I'm not without my own issues but I definitely don't see how I am the problem. I think it's odd to blatantly lie about where you were to me when you are with them. No she's under no obligation to tell me anything, but as much as we converse it's very weird and awkward that she talks about everything under the sun but never about her interaction(s) with them and that she feels the need to say " I've been home doing nothing all day vs " Kim and I hung out and had a good time today" etc etc.
I have since spoken to others in my life about this and they don't seem to think I am the issue. (They have no problem telling me I am) Although they think I'm not the problem they think I should just not worry about it. They think it's her problem to work out.

Does your MIL glosses over other things? Or just outings with SILs?

[Anonymous]

OP this is weird, I am not sure why others are blaming you.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe your MIL thinks she's sparing your feelings. Sometimes people assume we'll have negative reactions, and no amount of telling them otherwise will convince them. My MIL is like this. I can tell her all day long that things don't bother me, and I prove it with my actions, but she refuses to believe me. She does this with others, too. So she lies to people about little things, to "spare their feelings," and thinks she knows what's best.

What I do is just ignore it. Let it slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think that you're making way too much out of this. If you're as close as you say, then next time you talk say, I heard from "Gina" that the two of you had a great time shopping the other day. I am so happy that the two of you are spending time together. Did you buy anything special? If she says that she didn't want to hurt your feelings by mentioning the outings to you, then you can reiterate that you want her to be close to all of her DIL's and you want to be close to your SIL's -- one big happy family. Why is this so hard?

Op here, I do intend to do this at some point when she hasn't blatantly lied. Otherwise I think I'll just start something. I will initiate another outing with us all and see if that helps soothe any potential fears that MIL may have that she is hurting my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I don't expect a run down of every time she is in contact with SIL or future SIL. I'm not without my own issues but I definitely don't see how I am the problem. I think it's odd to blatantly lie about where you were to me when you are with them. No she's under no obligation to tell me anything, but as much as we converse it's very weird and awkward that she talks about everything under the sun but never about her interaction(s) with them and that she feels the need to say " I've been home doing nothing all day vs " Kim and I hung out and had a good time today" etc etc.
I have since spoken to others in my life about this and they don't seem to think I am the issue. (They have no problem telling me I am) Although they think I'm not the problem they think I should just not worry about it. They think it's her problem to work out.

Does your MIL glosses over other things? Or just outings with SILs?

Just outings with them. Otherwise she pretty much runs down her day of with who and where. Normally I could care less about what she is doing but when it became apparent that she was lying it made me curious as to why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe your MIL thinks she's sparing your feelings. Sometimes people assume we'll have negative reactions, and no amount of telling them otherwise will convince them. My MIL is like this. I can tell her all day long that things don't bother me, and I prove it with my actions, but she refuses to believe me. She does this with others, too. So she lies to people about little things, to "spare their feelings," and thinks she knows what's best.

What I do is just ignore it. Let it slide.

Op here, I think this is great advice and you are probably right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP on some level are you hurt that she is developing close relationships with the other SILs?

Op here, no. I'm hurt she's lying. It also makes me feel like she thinks I'm a jealous, possessive, not open to other SIL's etc.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is jealous.

Of?