i think my best friend married the wrong person- can anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

she is the closest thing i have to a sister, so her happiness and health means the world to me.

they got engaged very quickly, and over a year of engagement i heard nothing but trouble from her. mainly major boundary issues with him and his parents that, as a married woman, i know are very telling for the future. they don't really resolve issues either, they just punt to the future. several times over the year, she wondered if they would actually make it to marriage. they did end up getting married, and as expected, the conflicts pre-marriage have continued. he's a perfectly nice guy, but i just don't think they are a good fit for each other.

can anyone else relate to this?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Two very close people are married to very malicious and insecure people who are constantly causing trouble.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry about your friend. It's never too late to get counseling on how to work out problems in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yes. She thought getting married would change him. It didn't change him and in fact things have gotten worse. It's hard to support her when she doesn't want to leave but then I have to hear about all of her husband's constant stupidities.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

i want to emphasize that i don't think my best friend's now dh is a bad person. he's not mean, he's not abusive, not a liar, not controlling, and not malicious.

he hasn't cut the cord yet.

like i said, major boundary issues with his parents, surprise, mother in particular, and it upsets me when i see my best friend is hurt bc dh is choosing/prioritizing their needs over hers. i think they do love each other a lot and are in love, but i think they rushed to get married and i haven't heard of them resolving any of their premarital issues. they simply punted them to figure out another time bc they were tired of fighting. it upsets me.

[Anonymous]

Myob

[Anonymous]

Counseling ASAP for both of them. They are both immature. Her thinking marriage would change him -- magical thinking. His inability to prioritze their relationship.

Counseling will help. The first year of marriage is so hard in all cases, even when things are good you are working things out.

[Anonymous]

Yup. My sis did this. He's not a bad person but the combination of them together is volatile and painful and intensely difficult to be around.

But there is nothing to do. Everyone gets to live their own life and make their own choices. Just be there for her, without judgment, if/when she needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

i want to emphasize that i don't think my best friend's now dh is a bad person. he's not mean, he's not abusive, not a liar, not controlling, and not malicious.

Be grateful for this. I know of a lot of divorced people and not very happily married couples. There's always going to be something.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is married to someone that she is very, very different from. In some ways, I think that his OCD risk averse personality is a very good balance to her go-with-the-flow adventurous personality. I think they challenge each other in a lot of good ways. He's become more adventurous and she's become more cautious. On the other hand, he often drives her completely crazy and seems generally like he is easily overwhelmed. The result of him being overwhelmed is that she just ends up doing everything and complaining about it.

They have 2 kids (6 and 3) and have been married 10 years and while it was pretty rocky for a minute when she was pregnant with #2 (unplanned - she wanted, he did not think they were ready), they do love each other enough that I guess the crazy-making stuff is balanced out.

His mom is super nosy and lives <1 mile away from them and that was really hard at first, but my friend has learned to put her foot down politely about certain things and to let other things ride.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

when i say "they punted issues bc they were tired of fighting", i mean during the engagement/wedding planning process that she would call me hysterically crying and upset night after night because of arguments, 99% of the time over boundaries with his mother/parents, and her response to me was always:

"i just want to get this wedding over with already."

it seems to me that she didn't see (or want to see) that the issues weren't going to magically go away after the wedding. the issues preceded the engagement, and would continue to persist after the marriage. the issues weren't just 'wedding issues.'

anyhoo, i will always support her bc she is my best friend. and part of that means reading her latest texts today about how dh is choosing his parents over her again. sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

i want to emphasize that i don't think my best friend's now dh is a bad person. he's not mean, he's not abusive, not a liar, not controlling, and not malicious.

he hasn't cut the cord yet.

like i said, major boundary issues with his parents, surprise, mother in particular, and it upsets me when i see my best friend is hurt bc dh is choosing/prioritizing their needs over hers. i think they do love each other a lot and are in love, but i think they rushed to get married and i haven't heard of them resolving any of their premarital issues. they simply punted them to figure out another time bc they were tired of fighting. it upsets me.

PP1 here. It sounds bad, but given what I've seen, the fact that he's not malicious and doesn't lie is something to really be grateful for. Nothing is more damaging to a family/group of friends than to have a liar in their midst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

when i say "they punted issues bc they were tired of fighting", i mean during the engagement/wedding planning process that she would call me hysterically crying and upset night after night because of arguments, 99% of the time over boundaries with his mother/parents, and her response to me was always:

"i just want to get this wedding over with already."

it seems to me that she didn't see (or want to see) that the issues weren't going to magically go away after the wedding. the issues preceded the engagement, and would continue to persist after the marriage. the issues weren't just 'wedding issues.'

anyhoo, i will always support her bc she is my best friend. and part of that means reading her latest texts today about how dh is choosing his parents over her again. sigh.

That sucks, OP. That said, weddings do seem to bring out the best in people, such that any issues that exist outside the event itself get amplified.

Do they live in the same town as the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

when i say "they punted issues bc they were tired of fighting", i mean during the engagement/wedding planning process that she would call me hysterically crying and upset night after night because of arguments, 99% of the time over boundaries with his mother/parents, and her response to me was always:

"i just want to get this wedding over with already."

it seems to me that she didn't see (or want to see) that the issues weren't going to magically go away after the wedding. the issues preceded the engagement, and would continue to persist after the marriage. the issues weren't just 'wedding issues.'

anyhoo, i will always support her bc she is my best friend. and part of that means reading her latest texts today about how dh is choosing his parents over her again. sigh.

That sucks, OP. That said, weddings do seem to bring out the best in people, such that any issues that exist outside the event itself get amplified.

Do they live in the same town as the parents?

they do not live in same town as his parents, but live in same town as her parents. his parents were cold and distant during the wedding and even pulled him aside at some point to say: "we barely know her."

also, she and her dh often spend time with her parents since they are local, and dh's parents have expressed jealousy over the close relationship he has with her parents.

trouble all around.

[Anonymous]

Let's see what are the options here...

A) - confront the husband and tell him to cut the cord; could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

B) - confront the husband's mother and tell her to back off; again, could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

C) - express your concerns with your friend; sounds like you already did this and sounds like she is already aware of the problem in her relationship sooooooooo...
Sounds like only remaining option is

D) Butt out. You yourself said he's not abusive or neglectful or controlling or a bad guy - he just has some maturing to do; something you could try as well. Hard as it may be to accept your best friend is now someone's husband which sadly means you don't get to intrude upon every facet of her relationship anymore. It's HIS job to ensure her happiness now not yours and while he may be bumbling at the moment as he is still her husband so respect his right to get it right and butt out.