i think my best friend married the wrong person- can anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

Your friend has an awful MIL, and the husband is a complete wimp. Understood.

My friend had a similar dynamic with her MIL and husband, and for some reason, it suddenly became much better when the kids got older, ie the MIL wasn't has hysterically controlling as before. Perhaps she took better meds (she was clinically depressed), perhaps the husband finally stopped catering to her whims, perhaps my friend put her foot down more efficiently, I don't know the details.
But it did get better.

So keep hoping, OP.

[Anonymous]

Oh !they should have a baby together that will work

[Anonymous]

That's exactly it. He's a wimp. He won't stand up to his mom but also won't stand up for himself or my friend.

I hope it gets better soon too. She's already talking about trying for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your friend has an awful MIL, and the husband is a complete wimp. Understood.

My friend had a similar dynamic with her MIL and husband, and for some reason, it suddenly became much better when the kids got older, ie the MIL wasn't has hysterically controlling as before. Perhaps she took better meds (she was clinically depressed), perhaps the husband finally stopped catering to her whims, perhaps my friend put her foot down more efficiently, I don't know the details.
But it did get better.

So keep hoping, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

My take on this is that the husband is not the only one with boundary issues!

Egads, I would be HORRIFIED if I found out my spouse was telling a friend all the gory details of our relationship. If they want to make this work, it has to work between them. Third parties not allowed.

OP, your only role here should be to encourage her to talk to her husband. And then butt out!

[Anonymous]

Sure, but as her best friend the best you can now do for her is just support her and be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

It is ultimately HER life and she is the one that must live with her own choices whatever they may be.

I know you truly love your friend and this hurts you to see her in this situation. If she does decide to end this marriage, she will be truly blessed to have a wonderful + caring friend like you to go to for guidance and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take on this is that the husband is not the only one with boundary issues!

Egads, I would be HORRIFIED if I found out my spouse was telling a friend all the gory details of our relationship. If they want to make this work, it has to work between them. Third parties not allowed.

OP, your only role here should be to encourage her to talk to her husband. And then butt out!

You don't vent to a girlfriend or share marriage troubles? I definitely do. Not about everything, but certainly about a lot of things.

[Anonymous]

This happened with me and my best friend. I told her what I thought when they got engaged and she actually ended up moving back the wedding and almost left him a few times during theur engagement because he wouldn't work with her to make things better. They are married now and sometimes I still have to remind her to open her eyes and stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, but as her best friend the best you can now do for her is just support her and be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

It is ultimately HER life and she is the one that must live with her own choices whatever they may be.

I know you truly love your friend and this hurts you to see her in this situation. If she does decide to end this marriage, she will be truly blessed to have a wonderful + caring friend like you to go to for guidance and support.

op here. thanks for these words. i do care about and she deserves a great guy...one who will stand up for her and with her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Myob

Ditto. Marriage us tough. Focus on yourself and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what are the options here...

A) - confront the husband and tell him to cut the cord; could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

B) - confront the husband's mother and tell her to back off; again, could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

C) - express your concerns with your friend; sounds like you already did this and sounds like she is already aware of the problem in her relationship sooooooooo...
Sounds like only remaining option is

D) Butt out. You yourself said he's not abusive or neglectful or controlling or a bad guy - he just has some maturing to do; something you could try as well. Hard as it may be to accept your best friend is now someone's husband which sadly means you don't get to intrude upon every facet of her relationship anymore. It's HIS job to ensure her happiness now not yours and while he may be bumbling at the moment as he is still her husband so respect his right to get it right and butt out.

ahh i was waiting for you, official obnoxious person.

dont think it's intruding on someone's relationship when they are asking you for advice and calling you upset.

it was never my job to ensure her, or anyone's happiness.

was simply asking if anyone else has felt this way or could relate.

have a lovely day!

Someone gave you honest, good advice. You just didn't want to hear it. You sound like you somehow who gets off on meddling in your friend's affairs. Get over or get therapy for yourself to determine why you care so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My take on this is that the husband is not the only one with boundary issues!

Egads, I would be HORRIFIED if I found out my spouse was telling a friend all the gory details of our relationship. If they want to make this work, it has to work between them. Third parties not allowed.

OP, your only role here should be to encourage her to talk to her husband. And then butt out!

You don't vent to a girlfriend or share marriage troubles? I definitely do. Not about everything, but certainly about a lot of things.

No, I don't. All that venting does is bias the third party against your spouse. OP is a case in point. Unless it's an abusive or dangerous situation, keep it in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Myob

Ditto. Marriage us tough. Focus on yourself and your marriage.

Op here- it's not as if I'm calling my friend and asking what shitty thing her dh did this week. She's venting and asking for my opinion- what am I supposed to do/say/think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what are the options here...

A) - confront the husband and tell him to cut the cord; could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

B) - confront the husband's mother and tell her to back off; again, could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

C) - express your concerns with your friend; sounds like you already did this and sounds like she is already aware of the problem in her relationship sooooooooo...
Sounds like only remaining option is

D) Butt out. You yourself said he's not abusive or neglectful or controlling or a bad guy - he just has some maturing to do; something you could try as well. Hard as it may be to accept your best friend is now someone's husband which sadly means you don't get to intrude upon every facet of her relationship anymore. It's HIS job to ensure her happiness now not yours and while he may be bumbling at the moment as he is still her husband so respect his right to get it right and butt out.

ahh i was waiting for you, official obnoxious person.

dont think it's intruding on someone's relationship when they are asking you for advice and calling you upset.

it was never my job to ensure her, or anyone's happiness.

was simply asking if anyone else has felt this way or could relate.

have a lovely day!

Someone gave you honest, good advice. You just didn't want to hear it. You sound like you somehow who gets off on meddling in your friend's affairs. Get over or get therapy for yourself to determine why you care so much.

Uh I care so much bc I am interested in how my best friend for almost 20 yrs feels? Didn't realize that's something for which I need to seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Keep being a supportive friend, op.