My step daughter is troubled

[Anonymous]

I am stepmother to three children, DD14, DD13, DS9. We have them for 8 weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. They've been mine for 4 years and we have a great relationship.

DD13 is in trouble. She got seven conduct write-ups last year for sassing teachers. She got Cs and Ds in all her classes in 7th grade. She gets bullying texts and people call her a slut. However, I have seen some of these text conversations, and she seems to be the instigator and I suspect she is the bully. As a result she has only one friend. The friend is her partner in crime - they do things like cut lunch and walk the mile during athletics instead of trying to run it. Nothing horrible, but not a positive direction. I spent a lot of time with her this summer, and I noticed that when we were playing some quiz games in the car that her spelling is atrocious. Her nine year old brother has better spelling skills. She hates to read and struggles with multisyllabic words. Yet, she is so smart. She can assemble or build anything and her speech is excellent.

I think she sasses her teachers and gets written up in class in order to distract from the fact that she cannot do the work. I think she bullies bc she feels stupid and insecure, and she has a troublemaker friend bc that friend doesn't judge her if she fails a science test. I am certain she is dyslexic. I have thought this since the third grade, when I suggested to DH that she get help. At the end of the summer, I was so frustrated and worried that I called her mom and told her my thoughts. She agreed that DD13 needs to be tested, and she said "it's easier to hear it from you than it is to hear it from my ex." I guess he asks her periodically to get her tested but she doesn't follow up. Anyway, she told me she was getting DD13 tested before school started, but no testing took place.

I'm so frustrated with my DH and bio mom. I think DH is waiting for the first set of grades before he raises it with bio mom again. I just think she is falling through the cracks and about to go down the wrong road bc no one has the time to follow up with her and get her the help she needs.

Any suggestions on how I can deal with these concerns? Should I just nag DH some more to address this?

[Anonymous]

You are a good stepmom, and a good and thoughtful person to "look behind" the misbehavior at the kid underneath and what is going on in her life. Can you investigate places in her area where the mom can take the girl for testing? The mom may want to take her, and mean to take her, but have a giant mental list of things to do. If you can make this easy for her, even providing a phone #, she may step up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your husband take her to be tested? Not secretly, but it sounds like the mom is at least sort of on board, so if he just takes her it will avoid the inertia the mom seems to have going on. Even if you are far away geographically (guessing from the time split of custody) he might need to suck it up, take a few days off, and go there to take her to an appointment if her needs aren't being met.

Would having her come live with you guys help? She sounds miserable at school, maybe a fresh start in a new school where she isn't labeled as a slut and a troublemaker would help?

[Anonymous]

Ever think she's just getting back at her parents for disintegrating her family? Are you surprised she rarely sees her father and is not acting out?

[Anonymous]

I'd make appointments for the testing yourself (keeping bio mom in the loop, of course). As a parent of a child who has special needs, I think there can be procrastination on the part of a bio parent (we don't want to think that our genetic offspring are somehow flawed).

You sound like a great parent and a considerate person. Although this may seem like a bio parent could just handle it, do it for your stepdaughter. She deserves to get the help she needs ASAP. She's at a very critical age.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband write a letter to her school, if she is in public school, requesting testing. Then see what they find.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of a dyslexic kid, I can see how untreated dyslexia can lead down this road - to disengagement, giving up on school, and despair. The SCHOOL should be doing the needful for testing, not the parents. Your DH can call the school and ask for an assessment. If they refuse, then he can look for a private provider.

[Anonymous]

Your step-daughter sounds to me like she might be gifted but have a learning disability. Read some of the other GT/LD threads on DCUM, many of which have specific advice about the process for getting supports (like an IEP or a 504 plan) for your stepdaughter.

Is money an issue? Full neuropsychiatric testing by a private professional can cost 3-5000 dollars. Some of it may be covered by health insurance, but probably not a lot.

If you believe that the child might be suffering from a learning disability like dyslexia or some other disability like ADHD, you can write the school and ask for an IEP and they will be required to provide a psycho-educational assessment at NO CHARGE. If money is a problem, this can be a good place to start. If you disagree with the results of the testing, you can ask the school district to pay for an "independent educational evaluation".

If money is not an issue, many people retain a lawyer or an advocate to work through these issues as it takes a LOT of time to learn about the special ed process and the various learning disabilities.

Do you live in the same area as stepdaughter (sounds like not since you have only summer visitation). If you live at a distance, IME, this is too important an issue to just wait until she comes to visit next summer and then get her tested. Time is of the essence.

If your DH is going to raise it again with exDW, it would be good if he is constructive, non-accusatory and actually has a specific proposal like -- "I've done the research on area psychologists and neuropsychologists and I've made an appointment for DD on X date. I called the insurance and they will pay for X amount and I propose we split the remainder 60/40 (or whatever). Will you take her? If yes, then let's decide together now what we should say to DD about this?"

Alternatively, DH can say, "I know we agreed that DD should be tested. I found out that the school system may do it for free. I drafted a letter requesting an IEP and testing, which is the way the process starts. I've signed it, can you sign it also? If you let me know the meeting date, I will try to participate in person or by phone to support DD's case."

Try not to harsh on the ex-wife for not following up on this. It is a huge task to fight the educational system, time consuming and expensive, not to mention dealing with the ongoing problems with the child (both academic and behavioral) and the expense of it all.

Also, try not to let this be a problem that is anyone's "fault". It's nothing bioMom did or didn't do. It's not stepdaughter's fault. It's not DH's or your fault either. If there's an LD or other disability, it's a result of a brain that is not neurotypcial and a school system and world in general that doesn't know how to teach to that kind of brain. As you have seen your stepdaughter is smart and the behavioral problems are likely a result of not being taught appropriately and then developing poor self-image, which is classic in these cases.

Besides, your DH can probably be doing a lot more -- Is he following up on his DD's academic record at school? He doesn't have to wait until 1st quarter grades to make a decision about what to do. He can ask the school to provide her complete academic records -- any MAP testing, statewide annual exams, access to any online grade keeping so he can see which classes and assignments are failed, poor or not done, etc. All that provides evidence for the IEP to be requested.

What school system is DSS in? Post a separate thread in special needs to get more information specific to that school district about initiating the IEP process, and to get recommendations for testers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Please get her tested, as suggested above. Pay for it yourself if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Get her tested and in therapy.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have to pay for the testing - the school can do it for free!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your step-daughter sounds to me like she might be gifted but have a learning disability. Read some of the other GT/LD threads on DCUM, many of which have specific advice about the process for getting supports (like an IEP or a 504 plan) for your stepdaughter.

Is money an issue? Full neuropsychiatric testing by a private professional can cost 3-5000 dollars. Some of it may be covered by health insurance, but probably not a lot.

If you believe that the child might be suffering from a learning disability like dyslexia or some other disability like ADHD, you can write the school and ask for an IEP and they will be required to provide a psycho-educational assessment at NO CHARGE. If money is a problem, this can be a good place to start. If you disagree with the results of the testing, you can ask the school district to pay for an "independent educational evaluation".

If money is not an issue, many people retain a lawyer or an advocate to work through these issues as it takes a LOT of time to learn about the special ed process and the various learning disabilities.

Do you live in the same area as stepdaughter (sounds like not since you have only summer visitation). If you live at a distance, IME, this is too important an issue to just wait until she comes to visit next summer and then get her tested. Time is of the essence.

If your DH is going to raise it again with exDW, it would be good if he is constructive, non-accusatory and actually has a specific proposal like -- "I've done the research on area psychologists and neuropsychologists and I've made an appointment for DD on X date. I called the insurance and they will pay for X amount and I propose we split the remainder 60/40 (or whatever). Will you take her? If yes, then let's decide together now what we should say to DD about this?"

Alternatively, DH can say, "I know we agreed that DD should be tested. I found out that the school system may do it for free. I drafted a letter requesting an IEP and testing, which is the way the process starts. I've signed it, can you sign it also? If you let me know the meeting date, I will try to participate in person or by phone to support DD's case."

Try not to harsh on the ex-wife for not following up on this. It is a huge task to fight the educational system, time consuming and expensive, not to mention dealing with the ongoing problems with the child (both academic and behavioral) and the expense of it all.

Also, try not to let this be a problem that is anyone's "fault". It's nothing bioMom did or didn't do. It's not stepdaughter's fault. It's not DH's or your fault either. If there's an LD or other disability, it's a result of a brain that is not neurotypcial and a school system and world in general that doesn't know how to teach to that kind of brain. As you have seen your stepdaughter is smart and the behavioral problems are likely a result of not being taught appropriately and then developing poor self-image, which is classic in these cases.

Besides, your DH can probably be doing a lot more -- Is he following up on his DD's academic record at school? He doesn't have to wait until 1st quarter grades to make a decision about what to do. He can ask the school to provide her complete academic records -- any MAP testing, statewide annual exams, access to any online grade keeping so he can see which classes and assignments are failed, poor or not done, etc. All that provides evidence for the IEP to be requested.

What school system is DSS in? Post a separate thread in special needs to get more information specific to that school district about initiating the IEP process, and to get recommendations for testers, etc.

NP here. This thread represents the best of DCUM -- thoughtful, caring people who take the time to share their valuable insight and expertise and support.
Golden nuggets!

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all of the suggestions and great advice. There are so many great strategies here. Money is an issue, but not insurmountable. It's really about time. Bio mom has kids on her own for the whole school year and works full time, and I know, and sympethize, that time is a big issue for her. It's easier to hope the issue will correct itself or that she will "apply herself" this year rather than take the hard steps. DH is also not off the hook. He has them all summer long, with me to help out. He's military and he works and travels a lot, but he is not deployed and he also needs to support this effort per the great suggestions above.

[Anonymous]

Your husband can request testing of the school if it's public. Yes, he should do this in conjunction with his ex, but it needs to get done.

OP, you are a good mom step or not. Also, these are pricey, but if your DD is dyslexic, I would seriously consider enrolling her at Siena School or Lab for camp when she's here.

A lot of times, girls with LDs go under the radar b/c they don't present with the behavioral issues early on. Please get this kid tested.

[Anonymous]

If dad is military, Tricare will probably pay for testing and possibly help depending on what it is. Next time she is in town, take her to the base ped and ask for a developmental ped appointment as they are the gateway to more testing and help. Walter Reed has a bunch of different pediatric services (they outsource speech and a few other things).