Borderline Personality Disorder

[Anonymous]

I bumped the other thread but folks responded to OP and not my situation. Posting separately in case anyone has advice to share.

my brother is in a relationship with a woman with a confirmed diagnosis BPD. It's the most horrific relationship I've ever witnessed up close. Very turbulent, he's seemingly addicted to the highs of the relationship and devastated regularly by the lows. Now it's impacting their kids (from prior marriages). Is there any way to be supportive of him, of her, even of both, in an effort to either get my brother to leave, or get them to sincerely seek help? Has anyone ever been in this position? Or if you were involved with a person with BPD, did anything your friends/family do help you leave? If so, what? I'm terrified someone's going to end up hurt, in jail, or both.

[Anonymous]

My brother has an (undiagnosed) narcissistic BPD and he recently cheated on his wife. If SIL calls, even just to vent, we listen and reassure her that she is doing the right thing by getting away from my brother. I've basically disowned him because of how manipulative he is. Others don't see what kind of person he is because of how good he is at manipulating to get what he wants. That's the hallmark of BPD.

I worry he'll go off the deep end too and he's pretty close to doing that. He already removed the guns from their house before he moved out and I'm afraid he'll hurt someone or himself. I have nightmares about it.

Unfortunately in this case it took an egregious offense (cheating) for SIL to consider leaving. There are some codependency issues and if he had not cheated I have no doubt they would still be together despite how unhealthy their relationship is.

[Anonymous]

10:50 here - I wanted to add that I think he should get therapy for himself. It seems like therapy is helping SIL finally see my brother for what he has always been.

[Anonymous]

Heh...I'm a guy, used to be with a BPD sufferer. My sister said to me "gee, you know, the things you tell me are exactly the signs we women are warned to avoid because they suggest the guy might be an abuser". And then she would say "gee, at the end of the day, does this relationship really make you happier?" and "it just seems like you are miserable more than you are happy".

There was no overt attack on the SO - you risk the abused feeling the need to protect the SO and shutting off one of the often few remaining links to "normalcy" - BPD people, intentionally or not, do classic abuser maneuvers like isolating the victim.

You could ask him about how he feels the kids are doing.

My sister had also gotten involved with a mental case who was somewhat emotionally abusive, and clearly we were both drawn to that kind of environment because of our FOO. My sister had already gone through a round of counseling, so she was in a better place from which to advise me. After I got out of that relationship, I did an intensive round of counseling to address my own issues - it does take two to tango, your brother is 'contributing' by engaging in the toxic dance. When I stopped participating in the drama/crazy dance, the relationship flew apart (in a matter of weeks). You might focus on your brother - talk to him about what he could do (hint: therapy) to feel better about addressing the things that upset him.

[Anonymous]

Borderlines have a way of making those they are close to out to be either an angel or a villain. Likely your brother's girlfriend makes him feel wonderful when he's the angel, which is why it is hard for him to leave.

I would definitely recommend therapy for your brother. DH spent years in therapy for help with a borderline mother. He also had to set very clear and firm boundaries and cease contact for a while in order to salvage the relationship. It wasn't until we were married and had children and he heard stories of my upbringing that he realized how messed up his childhood and mother were. That, and therapy, encouraged him to put his foot down and remove himself from the relationship.

Therapists have also recommended the book "Walking on Eggshells." DH found it helpful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the feedback. Yes, she's cut him off from friends and family except for a few very controlled situations. She won't let him go to a therapist, so that's a huge challenge. And he's not healthy either. It's like their flaws fit perfectly to create the perfect storm. I am glad to hear it helps not to criticize the BPD partner. I know she is ill and most of the time I have great empathy for her. I'd like to see both of them get help.

[Anonymous]

OP, again thanks for the book recommendation too.

[Anonymous]

Your brother has kids from multiple marriages. Doesn't sound like any kind of prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother has kids from multiple marriages. Doesn't sound like any kind of prize.

No. Your misread that. "Their" kids. Not his kids. They each have kids from their prior marriages.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP from 10:55 - it's kind of scary she won't "let him" see a therapist. He should go on his own if she won't go and take sick leave/time from work if need be. I used my employer's EAP program and went one day a week during the work week. I did not discuss it with my partner. I knew something was very out of whack, but my BPD had gotten me so twisted around that I just kind of assumed I was the crazy one. The gaslighting can be intense.

I also read the "walking on eggshells" book, and it's a good recommendation. I did not read it at the time we were together because she snooped a lot, and would have gone bezerk if she thought I was reading something that suggested she was nuts (she was).

I recommend you focus on getting your brother - for his kid's sake, if not his own - into a therapist. I went to mine because I just wanted to be happier and assumed I was the source of the problem.