How do you deal with the habbit of not putting thing back of your spouse?

[Anonymous]

This is about me, not my spouse. I want to know if you successfully change this habit if your spouse who is like I am and what you have done so I can learn from you . Because clearly this habit of mine drives my spouse crazy and i don't seem to change it fast enough. TIA

I have a habit of not putting things back where I get it right away often. I will put it when I am going to pass by the area where it was if I remember. For example, I went upstairs to get bleach bottle from the washroom to clean the kitchen sink. After I were done with the cleaning, I left the bottle on the kitchen counter and would bring it up when I went upstairs next time. I obviously have plenty of times going upstairs but I don't remember or it is out of my sight sometimes so it could sit at the counter for days. Same things with srew driver, nail clipper, slippers, hat, etc. This probably a bad example but you get the idea. My spouse totally hate it and I understand this cause trouble when you need to find something and it is not at its original place. I try to change it but it is not perfect yet. I put things back more often than I used to but not always. Last time my spouse was mad of something else and found stuff not being put back then said I will throw it out if it is misplaced next time. Then a few days later, my spouse was mad at me about one thing and did throw out my business cards I left on the counter from last night and repeat the line. Despite all of that, I don't think my habbit will completely gone anytime soon. It is not that I don't want to change, it just seem like it is going to take a long time for me to change it.
My habbit is to combine things to do at once, that is why i ddon't put it back right away if it is out of the way/area

[Anonymous]

Both of you are at fault.

You can't leave things lying around for days. Yes, it's okay to leave something on the first floor UNTIL YOUR NEXT TRIP UPSTAIRS. Your very next trip. Not for days. You can't live like that. This is not your playroom.

Your spouse is also at fault. While he's understandably upset about the fact that you are a slob, he's not your father. He can't throw away your stuff. That's just wrong. He should get you new business cards.

[Anonymous]

His reaction is pretty harsh. Seems like he's treating you like a child. Can't he just ask, "hey sweetie, have you seen the fly swatter?" Or whatever. Instead of throwing it out when it wasn't put back in the utility room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is about me, not my spouse. I want to know if you successfully change this habit if your spouse who is like I am and what you have done so I can learn from you . Because clearly this habit of mine drives my spouse crazy and i don't seem to change it fast enough. TIA

I have a habit of not putting things back where I get it right away often. I will put it when I am going to pass by the area where it was if I remember. For example, I went upstairs to get bleach bottle from the washroom to clean the kitchen sink. After I were done with the cleaning, I left the bottle on the kitchen counter and would bring it up when I went upstairs next time. I obviously have plenty of times going upstairs but I don't remember or it is out of my sight sometimes so it could sit at the counter for days. Same things with srew driver, nail clipper, slippers, hat, etc. This probably a bad example but you get the idea. My spouse totally hate it and I understand this cause trouble when you need to find something and it is not at its original place. I try to change it but it is not perfect yet. I put things back more often than I used to but not always. Last time my spouse was mad of something else and found stuff not being put back then said I will throw it out if it is misplaced next time. Then a few days later, my spouse was mad at me about one thing and did throw out my business cards I left on the counter from last night and repeat the line. Despite all of that, I don't think my habbit will completely gone anytime soon. It is not that I don't want to change, it just seem like it is going to take a long time for me to change it.
My habbit is to combine things to do at once, that is why i ddon't put it back right away if it is out of the way/area

Your habit will change if you really want it to. Hypothetically, if somehow your child's life depended on you breaking this habit right away, wouldn't you find a way to change right away? Think of what you'd do in that situation, and apply it here. If its not that important to you, then you have to find a compromise with yiur husband.

[Anonymous]

If it has to go back upstairs, I place it dead center on the first stair. Anyone going upstairs knows to carry it back up. Works great for laundry baskets.

[Anonymous]

You are not a slob.

It's a function on how your brain works. Keep trying, but you'll never be perfect. Your husband needs to just accept it as part of the package he married. And buy you some new cards. He's not helping you with his tough love tactics.

[Anonymous]

Put things on the stairs to the floor they belong on. Simple. Instead of leaving the bleach bottle on the kitchen counter, take the few extra steps and put it on the first step of the stairs upstairs. That way you ALWAYS see it when going upstairs next time and can take it. Your spouse probably wouldn't even mind doing that herself if she's the one going upstairs next, before you.

That's how my family did it for 20 years and it is AWESOME

[Anonymous]

I have only skimmed this thread, but have two thoughts. The first is to put things on the stairs when they need to go back to their home. I'm like you and prefer to combine trips. If you can train yourself to do this intermediate step, then the rest of the way is easy... just pick up the stuff on the stairs when you're headed up there anyway.

The second thought is that one of the biggest issues in my parent's marriage was that it drove my mom crazy when my dad wouldn't put stuff back in its place. They ended up getting divorced after 25 years, and believe it or not, this was a central issue for her. I think it amounted to her feeling like my dad didn't realize or care how important it was to her to put stuff back where it belongs (because it just sent her over the edge when she was trying to run a household with 3 kids and couldn't find what she was looking for)... and the fact that my dad wouldn't make it a priority to do something that was so important to her made her feel disrespected/unvalued/unloved.

Not saying that will happen to you, but sometimes the small stuff can symbolically feel like big stuff. If it's important to your husband, you should figure out how to at least meet him halfway (the stairs).

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank everyone for the tips. I will try the stairs every time something needs to go upstairs. I think it will work better than my spouse throwing things.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to your spouse, however throwing stuff out is over the top.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/229702.page#2340418

However, I would just agree with your spouse about a clean up time at the end of the day--15 minutes or so to tidy up. (Bleach is definitely a no-no to keep out if you have kids. So safety always come first.)

I'm still trying to sell DH on this:
http://organizedhome.com/family-ties/tame-morning-madness-launch-pad

He definitely needs to keep all his crap in one place instead of IDs, watch, phone, wallet scattered in different rooms.

[Anonymous]

Are you me?

I've managed to get better over the past few years. I agree with a PP that this is about feeling respected/thought if with my spouse. He is a smidge of a sanctimonious a-hole at his worst, but it comes from an innocent place. We both try to make the other feel loved, and this is a big deal to him so I try to try and sincerely feel bad when I slip back into doing what he calls "hiding things from him."

[Anonymous]

I get really tired of my spouse doing this. I comment on it sometimes, but have found ways to deal with it. One thing is we have a counter in our laundry/mud room that gets piled high with his miscellaneous things that he can't ever seem to just put away. Therefore, I have designated half the counter as his, and half as mine. My side includes dog treats and dog leash and other dog supplies, plus a little box for my miscellaneous things like gloves or sunscreen. His side includes who knows what. In the past, I've tried to organize for him, but it never lasts. When his things encroach on my side, I just shove them over to his side. I don't like the look of the messy counter, so when it gets unbearable, I sort and put away what I can (if I know what to do with it), and put the rest in a box and give it to him. Last time, that box wound up in our garage and it's still there 5 months later. So this solution only kind of works for us.

Something that does work for us is that over time I've bought my own things...my own nail clippers, my own tool box, my own tape measure (I even taped name labels to my tools), extra scissors, a flashlight I keep in my nightstand (where he wouldn't think to check), etc.

So, I know you're the other half of this problem, but maybe you can buy some new items like tools and nail clippers and make a commitment to only use YOUR things, so her things never get misplaced. And then designate an area for your things which MIGHT make it easier for your spouse to deal with, if all your things are concentrated in one space.

As far as communal things like bleach, or every day things like your hat or slippers, you really need to step up and start putting those things where they belong. Just the other day, after day after day of my husband taking off his shoes smack dab in the middle of the doorway of a high-traffic area, I finally told him to please STOP! It's maddening. I'm just telling you this so you understand that your spouse isn't just a nagging or controlling harpy; he/she is actually just reacting to what comes off as disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
We're kind of half messy and half clean people. We all clean up when the mess gets to the point one of us can't stand it.
I am bad of putting thing back but I am good of find a place to put thing away when it first gets home. My spouse always put things back to where it belongs but never get a place for new stuff, especially collectible things. Those can end up on the computer desk, counter or wherever it is first landed for months to years. My spouse used to put something that needed to be done in the middle of room door to the hallway as a reminder and it drove me nut because I stepped on it easily at night any time. I complained and it is gone. I think it is fair for me to change my habit and put things back to its place and I can imagine it is the same for my spouse. I just can't figure out way to do it effectively so it happens every time. However I did not like my stuff to be threw away and this kind of action to make me resentful.

I did try the box idea but it doesn't work. Thing will just pile up in the box but it keeps it in as it is less messy than scatters every where. We have a toddler and that is why I put thing on the counter so she can't reach it. We have no gate in the house. I know it is dangerous but we are trying to teach her boundaries without gate. We always knows where she is. I will try putting thing on the side of stairs if it is not safety concern.

To the PP at 6:04 yesterday, I am really bad of imagining things. It doesn't give me concern to imagine something happens so it won't work. I know this because my spouse is pretty good at that and often escalate things to life threaten like your suggestion in our conversation to get my attention but it never works and it annoys me every time.

[Anonymous]

OP, take some writing classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, take some writing classes.

+1. It was hard to read with misspellings, lack of pronouns and different words like "washroom".

OP I've found that when I get put in charge of a chore (like keeping bathroom or kitchen clean) I become MUCH more cognizant of where things should go and I see that they're left out. DH is crazy about his tools getting put back properly so I leave him in charge of cleaning those messes.