Middle School Blues

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure this is the best place to post, but I thought the parents on this forum could provide better advice – if I should post elsewhere, please let me know. I only ask for a bit of compassion. I apologize ahead of time for the length of my post.

My son just started middle school. He has never been tested for any special needs or accommodations, but he is clearly different than the average sixth grade boy.

In third grade we were about to have him tested for mild Asperger’s and or ADD. He had an unofficial IEP for half a year, which helped him and his teacher communicate more effectively. Some of his issues were – the inability to make eye contact, unwillingness to answer her questions (when directly asked), poor organization, he wouldn’t turn in homework, or wasn’t organized enough to find it. He often looked like he wasn’t staying on task or paying attention. Which cause more direct questions, leading to more lack of eye contact, etc. But he was paying attention! He understood and comprehended things even if he was looking at the floor or ceiling. His unofficial IEP was basically an awards chart that he and his teacher would go over privately at the end and beginning of each day. The second half of the year slowly improved.

Fourth and fifth grade presented no issues. His teachers understood his quirks and let them be. In fact I checked in with his 5th grade teacher on my own because I was worried that I had heard any bad news from her. He tests high on placement tests – all above grade level/advanced. He has a very good memory, recollection, and is an avid reader.

Now middle school is here and I’m nearly in tears. Yesterday his English teacher emailed me and said that he has not turned any homework in at all. When she questioned him, he said something about being too busy taking care of his pet and starting dinner. She requested that I make time for homework. He does have time for homework and does homework every night. I was shocked, mad for him lying and confused. I told her we would sit down with him to talk.

At first he said he didn’t lie, he does have to feed his lizard when he gets home and he does have to set the table. Both of those tasks are before and after his homework. He had all of his homework in his binder but didn’t turn any of it in. So two weeks into the school year and he is failing both Math and English. He didn’t turn in the homework because 1) the teacher didn’t ask for it outright and 2) he has a hard time getting his binder rings to open. Of course I was exasperated. We were putting everything in the binder so he could find it and so he wouldn’t fail a binder check (apparently the teacher holds the binder in the air and shakes papers loose). He would be devastated if this happened to him in front of the class.

We fixed the issue by putting homework in a folder in his binder and telling him to put the homework in the teacher’s inbox even if she doesn’t ask or remind him. We made a chart and plan to check Edline (online school account) every night until he is on track. As we were talking I could literally see him withdrawing into himself. Of course it made me go from mad to incredibly sad.

Now he just came home from school. He told me he turned everything in to his Math and English teachers. His Math teacher then took him to the Counselor to have him placed in a different Math class starting tomorrow.

I’m confused and I really don’t know where to begin. Additionally, we just closed on a house and will be starting a new middle school in the 2nd quarter. I know the timing is horrible. I feel like I failed him for the upcoming move and because I didn’t follow through with testing in 3rd grade. My husband was not on board with testing him or “labeling” him then. At the same time DH worked tirelessly with him to help him become a stronger more focused student, both then and now.

It’s truly heartbreaking to see him help his older brother with his advanced class homework, but at the same time be unable to help himself. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve started with an email to his counselor.

Please provide any advice or insights with your middle school child. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Without getting your child a disability code that will get him an individual education plan, you can get your doctor to give him a diagnosis that can get him a 504 plan that can give him accommodations to avoid this kind of thing.

My middle schooler has a 504 plan in which teachers remind him to turn in his homework and take other steps to help him stay on track. You can start out by discussing the challenges you are having with your doctor.

Many, many middle schoolers have 504 plans for issues such as dyslexia and other challenges. It's not a big deal and it often doesn't entail being pulled out to a resource room or anything like that.

I wouldn't worry about what has already happened because you can't do anything about that. Talk to your doctor and the school counselor about steps that can help your child succeed.

[Anonymous]

Middle school teacher here. You're on the right track by emailing his counselor and being in touch with his teachers. The truth is that organization is a very important component for success in middle schools but most regular Ed teachers (and parents) don't make time to help students practice these skills. They assume they will state the expectation and students will follow through (or not). Regardless of whether your child has special needs or not, imagine the challenges faced by most kids entering a new environment including 7-9 different teachers with 7-9 different expectations for organization, supplies, homework policy, etc. It's overwhelming! I really do believe that most middle schools are doing their students a disservice by not spending enough time explicitly teaching/practicing organization and study skills.

All that said, it sounds like from your child's history there may be a case to have some testing done and possibly put some accommodations in place through an IEP. Most likely this is not something you'll be able to completely sort out before the move to the new school. However, the guidance counselor will be able to discuss your child's specific situation with you and put a plan into place to begin the process, as well as to help maximize success during the first quarter so that he's on the right path headed to the new school. Are you by any chance staying in the same district? That would be helpful for some continuity even if it's not the same school.

Last, what are your husband's specific concerns regarding testing? If possible it would be great to have him participate in discussions with the school early on so he can hear what the teachers/counselors have to say first hand.

Sorry for run-ons/typos - on my phone and sleep-deprived from new baby. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you both. I will ask his counselor for a 504. They don't require a diagnosis or IEP for a 504? We are moving within MCPS, so hopefully that will help the transition.

My husnad does participate in discussions with teachers and with homework. He actually seems to get futher with our son than I do. His issue with testing, is that he doesn't want him labeled, using the diagnosis as a crutch, and he doesn't see any clear disability. He says it's just a difference in personalities, or that our son is just shy and keeps to himself. Basically, I'm making more out of this than it needs to (evident by 4th & 5th grade), and that we all just have to buckle down to the new routine. Which is does help with in many ways. Frustrating, but at the time his 3rd grade teacher agreed with DH. Also the fact that he can do the work and he does test well, pointed them to everything's fine - it's a personality issue.

With that said, DS is getting labeled either way. Only now the label is quirky, different or the word he loathes - unique.

Maybe his counselor in Middle School can point us in another direction.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos. I'm still upset & trying to multi-task. Bad combination.

[Anonymous]

Some schools will let you stay out the school year if you move (if it's not far and you can drive I guess). Or you can take this time to help him get on track with organization and then bring those school supports in to the new school. My son is in special ed (AS) and receives a lot of support with organization in his resource class and with teacher aides in his classes to support the kids with special needs. That's what you can aim for. If my son didn't have this support he'd be getting Fs. He doesn't remember to turn things in either. My son also gets confused about when to turn it in and teachers themselves can give mixed signals on when the right time is. I would shoot for a 504 and over the course of the year you will see if an IEP is in order. It's only the beginning of the year. I think your son will do better in time and ideally with a resource class to help him with organization.

[Anonymous]

My son has a 504 for ADHD. He wouldn't qualify for an IEP. Its not about getting a label. Just talk to your doctor and factually lay out what's going on and see what they say is the next step. My son doesn't even know he has ADHD -- or that he haas a 504 plan

[Anonymous]

He sounds a lot like my DD. She had what we assumed was mild ADHD-inattentive throughout elementary school, but she was able to complete her work and was fine. Until middle school! The multiple classes, multiple teachers, having a locker, bigger school, changing classes....it was too much and she couldn't compensate any more. She got a diagnosis and a 504 plan.

Just a suggestion, get the book The Organized Student. Many terrific suggestions for homework organization.

When you get the 504, I would suggest ditching the binders. Use an expanding file system instead. So much easier than keeping track of multiple binders.

[Anonymous]

I think you should let go of feeling bad about not having him tested when he was younger. You were successful in getting him the supports he needed to be successful without testing and you probably wouldn't have gotten any more with testing. So, it's a no harm, no foul kind of thing. Second thing is, homework is only 10% of the grade, so if your son does well enough on everything else, at most, not turning any homework in at all lowers his grade only one letter grade. Not ideal, but it's sixth grade and he is adjusting to many things. It's not the end of the world if he loses points over homework. But, there is no need to panic. He is not and will not fail due to the homework issue. Also, as far as the binder/homework issue, I'd suggest that if he is having difficulty opening the binder rings that you check out Staples or Office Depot for a packet that you put in the binder that has a snap or some other device that can fit into the binder that your son can open. That will remove the physical obstacle from the problem list. Finally, just e-mail and ask why his math class is being changed if it is upsetting you.

Another suggestion I have is to request that his counselor schedule a meeting with his teachers. I do it every year at the beginning of the year for my SN boys. You won't get to talk at BTS night and November parent teacher conferences are a long time away. At our MS, conferences are held at 9:15 or 9:30 am. I've already had my first one of the year for my MSer. It's a good way to express your concerns, make requests for accommodations and assistance for you son, share with the teachers information about your son that will help them work with him and develop a relationship with the teachers.

I know this isn't going to be comforting, but so many kids have this issue when they start middle school and again when they start high school. I found that once the teachers understood that my boys needed some extra support, they were more than happy to provide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you get the 504, I would suggest ditching the binders. Use an expanding file system instead. So much easier than keeping track of multiple binders.

17:17 here. I have never seek kids use more than one binder in MS or HS. At any of the office stores and at Costco, they sell these 3-4 inch binders that zipper. There is a three ring section and s section that is sort of accordian, but small. My boys have always carried everything they need in this one binder and it met the school requirements in terms of organization.

[Anonymous]

Serious question - can't a sixth grader just be a disorganized student who is having trouble getting used to the new routine without needing a label or a special plan?
Maybe help with basic organization skills and chill a bit.

[Anonymous]

<<his English teacher emailed me and said that he has not turned any homework in at all. When she questioned him, he said something about being too busy taking care of his pet and starting dinner. >>

PP -- w all due respect -- if the English teacher, who has perhaps five classes of 20 plus students a day, is taking time to email the parent beacuse the student hoas not turned in any homework at all during the first two weeks of school -- and the kid is giving some bogus excuse to the teacher about not having time for homework because he has to feed his lizard -- the parent is supposed to just tell the teacher to chillax???


I know from experience. The instinct to paper off these things as "no biggie'' or age-appropriate may make the problem go away -- or it may just get worse as they get older.

It certainly can't hurt anyone to set up a system to help the child do better with their homework. I think not turning in assignments for two weeks is not insignificant.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I am pretty disgusted with these teachers. I taught 7th grade, so my kids were a year older than your DS (I also co-taught several classes with a special ed teacher, so I have a lot of experience with the "unique" and the "labelled", which to me were just kids). I would spend the first few weeks helping the students organize and get used to the organization structure in my class. They each had a binder, and every time a sheet was added to the binder, we added it to a table of contents and numbered the page before putting it in the binder. We all did this together and I and the co-teacher (or in the classes I was solo, just me) would travel around to check it out. I posted the table of contents online, as well as all the sheets of paper I gave them in class so that students and parents could print them out if they went missing. Homework was kept in a separate section of the binder and checked with a stamp when needed. I realize that your DS's teachers may not be this way, but the point I'm trying to make is that this was the bare minimum I would do with my kids, especially at the start of the year. Teachers who just pass out papers and expect 11 year olds to masterfully file them away and produce them on demand are a huge part of the problem, IMO. And not asking for homework but expecting it to be turned in anyway? What are they using to request it, telepathy? I don't understand why more teachers don't get that you have to provide the structure for kids entering MS, and then ease it away, rather than just expecting them to act like they know what to do from the get. Grrr. Sorry to digress .

While I cannot advise you about testing-that is something that you and his teachers need to work out-here is what I would do:

Email both his math and his english teachers/counselor to schedule a meeting or a phone call at the least. Some things just aren't best left to e-mail.
Lay out DS's challenges
Approach it with his teachers as a "teamwork" thing so that all of you, working together, can make it happen
Include your DS in the meeting if you think he can handle it (often we would bring kids in towards the end to help make a game plan)
Make a game plan with all 3 of you (DS, you, and teacher)
Take the initiative to follow up with the teacher every week, just a quick e-mail to see how things are going and if there are any outstanding assignments or issues. Gradually allow DS to take over this task as the year goes on
Keep the lines of communication open

Even if there was no 504 or IEP, I would be willing to do all of the above for my students. Also double-check your school's policy for late work and work posted online in case DS loses his homework.

Good luck. My heart goes out to your DS! And you.

[Anonymous]

I would get him evaluated, a complete neuropsych eval at Stixrud. They can also do ADOS to diagnose or rule out ASD. The great thing about a neuropsych is that it will tell you exactly what your son's issues are and they can make suggestions for accommodations. We used Dr. Black and like him very much.

It will serve your son well to have a label that better describes him rather than "quirky" and "unique."

Good luck!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If you go the eval route, I guess it's worth calling soon to get on a waiting list but I would want to wait a little further into the year to see how things progress and be able to share that info with the psychologist. Their eval is largely dependent on parent report and possibly teacher report so it's important to establish what your son's track record is. Perhaps it would be best to do an eval in 3rd quarter so you have a good sense of how he's doing and how he's progressed with the new school.