Any "happy" stories out there of divorces with infants?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are considering separating after nearly 5 years of marriage. I won't get into the specifics of why, but it's not communication issues or something that could be fixed through therapy (I asked, he won't go. He says it won't help because he won't compromise). It's pretty fundamental and really requires changing who I am. That being said, we have a 4-month-old daughter and I'm very concerned about her mental/emotional well-being, both now and in the future, should we divorce. Is there anyone out there who has gone through divorce with an infant? If you thought it might eventually come to this in a few years, even if you decided to stick it out now, would you have rather done it when they were young enough to never know the difference? If we separate, we will probably live together until we divorce. That would probably make her about 16 months old when we no longer live together. We will most likely have joint custody. He is a great dad. I guess I just want to hear from people who have gotten through to the other side, maybe with a happy, well-adjusted 6-year-old. Or maybe if you were the product of divorsed parents when you were an infant.

[Anonymous]

I almost think it would be better to do it now while she is so young and she won't know anything different. My friend separated when her DD was 7 months old and she is 5 now and had adapted really well. The only tricky/difficult part was that my friend was still breast-feeding and visitation was hard for her b/c she had to pump all weekend when her DD went to stay with her dad. Even so, she managed to BF her DD until she was 2 with no issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for that. I'm actually breastfeeding too and already pump when I'm away from her when I'm at work. So that's not a big deal to me. She actually likes the bottle better (must come out faster or something).

[Anonymous]

You sound sane and caring so I don't want to minimize the situation, but is it truly something you can't work out? I'm all for "happy divorces" when two people are miserable together, but the first year of your child's life is a time of major upheaval and conflict for a lot of couples.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

[Anonymous]

I divorced with an infant. As soon as the ink was dry, I felt so relieved. The process was slow so it took from birth to 13 months, but we were done with custody and CS by 6 mos old.
Don't discount the 50% with happy mom. It beats 100% with unhappy mom.

[Anonymous]

I would physically separate asap instead of waiting. At 16 months your daughter will know he is gone, but at 4 months eill not know the difference.

By the way, if your dh is so inflexible about his 'needs' there is a big chance he is already cheating.

[Anonymous]

He's disgusting he will die of aids and you can collect life insurance

[Anonymous]

I found this study on divorce/separation and young children interesting: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/14/2/304.html

Here is the abstract:
Data from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development Study of Early Child Care were analyzed to explore effects of marital separation on children in the first 3 years of life. The sample included 73 never-married mothers and 97 separated mothers; a comparison group of 170 was conditionally randomly selected from the 2-parent families. Children in 2-parent families performed better than children in 1-parent families on assessments of cognitive and social abilities, problem behavior, attachment security, and behavior with mother. However, controlling for mothers' education and family income reduced these differences, and associations with separated–intact marital status were nonsignificant (the effect size was .01). Thus, children's psychological development was not affected by parental separation per se; it was related to mothers' income, education, ethnicity, child-rearing beliefs, depressive symptoms, and behavior.

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents divorced when he was an infant, and he had a much better relationship with his dad than his older brothers did -- they were 7 & 8 at the time of the divorce, and I think they really felt abandoned, while his feelings toward his dad were more neutral/positive.

[Anonymous]

17:08 - What about his relationship with his mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

Wow, yeah - that might be a deal breaker for me. I hope he's respectful enough not to put those pressures on you at four months postpartum. I guess it would be one thing if they're urges that he wants to work through to save your marriage - couples therapy, etc. - but totally another if he doesn't and sees it as a lifestyle he wants to pursue.

[Anonymous]

One DD was only 1 YO when we separated. She's fine. Completely fine with it.

Older DD was 5. Still has problems with it, 6 years later.

The earlier, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

This lifestyle is not suitable for child rearing. He will end up losing custody. This behavior should be criminal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

This lifestyle is not suitable for child rearing. He will end up losing custody. This behavior should be criminal.

But he won't if he is otherwise an even marginally decent parent.