Any "happy" stories out there of divorces with infants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

Divorce immediately. You should not have had a child with him! Best you can do now is move forward. Try to keep things amicable if you can, but thhat issue cannot be resolved if you are on opposite sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:08 - What about his relationship with his mom?

That was not as good, but I don't think it was because of the divorce -- she had a drinking problem, which was more or less controlled when he was younger, but she fell off the wagon hard when he was maybe 9 or so? His brothers were in their teens and pretty independent by that time, so he really took the brunt of it. He finally went to live with his dad when he was 14 or so, b/c she had essentially checked out as his parent. Don't get me wrong, he stayed close to her -- spent every summer with her, and lived with her for a while as an adult -- but he's still angry about her drinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, good luck to you. I don't think it's a big deal if your divorce is finalized when your child is 16 mo and that's when you split households. Your child will know that one parent is gone and it will take a little while to get used to, but that's way to young for them to remember in the longer term. If you can share a household until then it will be easier in terms of late nights with teething and colds, etc. It will also give you both more time with her to bond. So I'd go with your plan of separating now, living together and then moving out when things are finalized. Saving that extra rent will also be helpful (set it aside for her daycare or something).

[Anonymous]

I would definitely do it earlier rather than later.

I will say though that before we had kids, DH and I had been married for about 6 years, and we were into the "swinger" thing for those 6 years. However, after the kids came, neither of us was really into it anymore.

After kids, it's pretty hard to just get a date/dinner just the two of you, or even have a lot of sex alone together (just husband and wife) anymore, let alone planning sex trysts/meetups with others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

This lifestyle is not suitable for child rearing. He will end up losing custody. This behavior should be criminal.

But he won't if he is otherwise an even marginally decent parent.

Being a swinger is not grounds for losing custody. You (and I) may not agree with it morally but it is a legal activity that many people engage in. Most keep it completely private and their children are not aware. A thousand times better than cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

This lifestyle is not suitable for child rearing. He will end up losing custody. This behavior should be criminal.

But he won't if he is otherwise an even marginally decent parent.

Being a swinger is not grounds for losing custody. You (and I) may not agree with it morally but it is a legal activity that many people engage in. Most keep it completely private and their children are not aware. A thousand times better than cheating.

It's true. My friend's XH was convicted of spousal abuse (of her) and he didn't even lose custody over that. It's REALLY hard to lose custody.

[Anonymous]

My brother's ex left him while she was pregnant. She has a whole lot of issues, but is actually not a bad person and they have managed to co-parent pretty well so far. They've shared custody of their daughter 50-50 starting at about 6 months. Their daughter is now 3 years old, and is a super sweet, smart, loving, seemingly well-adjusted little person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks. It's an issue that has been rearing its head since before we were married. I guess I thought things would change. That's my fault. I'll admit to that. He basically wants us to be swingers and for me to be a sex freak (hopefully, you still think I'm sane!). I'm definitely not a prude, but I can't picture being that person for the next 30 years either. I don't know whether to just embrace it and be unhappy but have my kid all the time or to take a gamble at being happy on my own/without him and having my kid 50% of the time. It's also pretty much the only thing we fight about. So I almost know that even if I give in and go with it for a few months/years, it's probably going to eventually taper off to something he isn't pleased with in that department. Planting us right back here..but with an older, more aware child. Unless there is a magic pill out there that will make me change (and enjoy the change!), I'm just not sure I can keep it up.

This lifestyle is not suitable for child rearing. He will end up losing custody. This behavior should be criminal.

But he won't if he is otherwise an even marginally decent parent.

Being a swinger is not grounds for losing custody. You (and I) may not agree with it morally but it is a legal activity that many people engage in. Most keep it completely private and their children are not aware. A thousand times better than cheating.

Agreed, and it has nothing to do with whether someone is a good parent.

[Anonymous]

My DS was 18 months when his Dad moved out. DS has no memory of living with Dad, so in that sense, our current divorced life seems normal and DS doesn't miss our intact family as much as his older sister does. But, I think DS has more of a sense that his father is not really there for him.

This may relate more to Dad often being late for or canceling visitation rather than to the fact that DS has no memory of living together.

Our relationship broke up over serial infidelity on my ex's part. Ex didn't go so far as to ask for a swinging relationship, but seemed to think that we would stay together even while he had repeated outside relationships. I too decided this was something that I just couldn't live with. At the time, I figured 50% time in a healthy household was better than 100% time in a crazy, unhappy household. In retrospect, I was 100% right about that decision.

[Anonymous]

My parents split when I was 3. Im 30 now and dont remember them ever living together. My father is a deadbeat so I cant speak to the impact that it would have for two parents that are equally good. But I will say that I only noticed the difference in my household once I was in elementary school and there were class projects involving both parents. Only one other classmate didnt live with her father and it was because he died. A few times I lied to classmates about my father living in my house.

I think in this day and age, however teachers are more sensitive to split homes and it is probably more common among students so there isnt as strong a feeling of "otherness".

What I was scarred by was the arguing after my parents split because my dad was a deadbeat. I think if he was a good father and my parents remained amicable, things would have been fine because I dont really remember them ever being together- happy or not.

[Anonymous]

My ex travelled all the time when DS was an infant and we were fully divorced by the time he was 18 months old. Divorce affects children differently at all stages of their development. I can't say that my son has no scars from not really having a "father" (his father is very minimally involved in his life) but none of us have perfect lives and we all learn to cope in different ways. He is a top student, has won character awards at school and plays and excels in several sports. Makes friends easily. I have never introduced anyone new into his life at this point. The therapist he sees says that with boys, often the problems surface in the teen years, so we'll keep an eye on him. I hope things will continue to go smoothly in his life.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'd separate ASAP. Have you and he discussed how visitation/custody might work?

We separated when my child was 2.5. It was rough, child missed me tons when at dad's. This lasted several years. Child graduated high school this year, starts college next week. Lots of bumps raising a child between two homes, my ex is not easy, but we did it!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd not make this easy for him. I'd tell him he's free to screw who he wants, but if he does, you and he will not be living together. If he won't move out, take the baby and move out. I say this because doing it your way means he has everything he wants. He gets to be a dad when he wants to and swing when he wants to. If he goes to a swinger party, you're home to care for the baby. If he gets bored at the party, he can come home early and enjoy cuddle time with the baby. If he wants to stay at the party, well you're home to take care of the baby. It's a win-win for him. I'd also not protect him. When people ask why you broke up, tell them"John wanted to be a swinger, that wasn't ok with me, so I've left". Say it calmly, but don't protect him. I'd also suggest you mention therapy, not to resolve your marriage, but to find out why he wants to swing given that he has a family. He has a wife that loves him, and a baby that will only become more fun. He's willing to throw that away to get extra pussy. That to me suggests something is very wrong with him. I say this as someone who's marriage nearly broke up over not enough sex, so I get it sex matters to him. He shouldn't be willing to throw away his family to get it though especially with a new baby at home. I'm assuming that you are being loving and affectionate, and aren't treating him like he matters. If he says he wants to skydive, I hope you aren't saying stuff like "Those days are over, your a *father* now!". To me, it's not so much that he wants to swing, but that he chose to marry you, have a child with you, and seems incapable or unwilling to enjoy the family he chose to create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents split when I was 3. Im 30 now and dont remember them ever living together. My father is a deadbeat so I cant speak to the impact that it would have for two parents that are equally good. But I will say that I only noticed the difference in my household once I was in elementary school and there were class projects involving both parents. Only one other classmate didnt live with her father and it was because he died. A few times I lied to classmates about my father living in my house.

I think in this day and age, however teachers are more sensitive to split homes and it is probably more common among students so there isnt as strong a feeling of "otherness".

What I was scarred by was the arguing after my parents split because my dad was a deadbeat. I think if he was a good father and my parents remained amicable, things would have been fine because I dont really remember them ever being together- happy or not.

I could've written the same thing except my dad left when I was 5. I have no memory at all of him ever living with us.

[Anonymous]

22:15 Not OP. I disagree with so much you write, I do not know where to begin. I hope OP does not follow one piece of your advice.