MIL rescinded offer

[Anonymous]

DS is six months old and has been going to daycare part time for a month or so. Part time was working because of our work schedules, but for the past couple weeks we've needed full time care.

We asked MIL to watch the baby one day per week for three weeks until daycare had a full time slot available. She excitedly agreed. She's young and fit and doesn't work.

After the first week, she called, texted, and emailed DH to say she enjoyed watching the baby and she'd love to watch the baby once per week permanently. Cool, we said, we'll check with daycare to see if this is feasible.

We checked with daycare and they were fine with a 4 day per week arrangement.

MIL came to watch the baby for Week 2. Baby was fussy, but nothing extraordinary. He's quite a good baby.

Two days later, she emails DH and says she doesn't want to watch the baby this week, or ever. She's too old, she said, and she's praying that we'll find someone else to watch the baby.

WTF. This whole weekly thing was her idea to begin with, and now she's giving us 4 days notice to figure something out.

So ... What would you do? I suppose this is more a vent than anything else, but I'm a bit peeved. And I know the mext time we see her, she'll apologize and have excuses, but I don't want to smile and say it's ok.

[Anonymous]

1. I would call daycare and see if you can get back the 5 day a week arrangement.

2. I would find a sitter until you get the spot- lucky you college students are comning back and there are a lot to choose from.

3. I would file this information away so you understand what type of commitments you may get from MIL in the future.

4. I would ask MIL what flexability she has to help until you find someone

[Anonymous]

Let her know that she can certainly opt out of a permanent babysitting gig but that you need more notice to figure out an alternative arrangement. I think that's reasonable of you. Can you get the five-day arrangement back at the daycare?

I think it's good that she realizes she can't handle it, although she could have navigated her "exit" a little more gracefully. You don't have to smile and say it's ok when you see her. You can say that it's ok if she changed her mind but it would have been better if you had more time to scramble for something else.

[Anonymous]

I would try to get back to the 5th day with the daycare.

I would remember that MIL is not someone to be counted on and be gracious to her face when you see her next. She probably didn't realize how big a job it would be to do once a week.

[Anonymous]

Explain that you turned down daycare arrangements when she (not you, SHE) requested to do one full day. Ask her if she could please honor that arrangement until you can scramble to make another plan. I hope your daycare will come through for you with the extra day since that was the original arrangement.

You don't need to smile and say it's okay. You don't have to hold a grudge indefinitely, but it's perfectly okay to tell a grown adult about the consequences of their actions.

[Anonymous]

She's a horrible pain, but she probably didn't realize that backing out of childcare arrangements in this day and age of years-long daycare waitlists is a very big deal.

Tell her I had put my unborn fetus on the waiting list of a sought-after daycare downtown and that they called me back to say they had an open spot just before he started preschool when he was THREE.

So obviously you don't want such an unreliable person to watch your child even once a week, but do make her understand that she needs to contribute to a solution until you can get that daycare day back.

Do not smile and say it's OK until she's made it up.

[Anonymous]

Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

Holy cow. At 33 I am no MIL, but pp you are a witch.

I'm assuming MIL wasn't being compensated, and was donating her personal time for childcare. It doesn't matter if she's retired, doesn't work, whatever - her time is her time, and she intended on giving it (and you intended on taking it) for free. You can't really hold people accountable for rescinding something that was basically volunteering.

I think it would be considerate of MIL to offer childcare for the 3rd week (per the original plan), but to be honest, you probably should have waited on making concrete plans until MIL spent more time getting in the groove. It's GOOD of her to realize that she can't handle the load right now, and better now than later. I don't think you should have moved forward with the daycare changes without testing the waters for at least a month, and after MIL spent at least several full days of childcare. I do think you guys jumped the gun.

She doesn't sound like a bad MIL at all, she's just being honest.

[Anonymous]

OP, how hard would it be to get the 5th day back? I can't imagine the daycare found someone to take a slot one day/wk.

Agree with the PP-- I would not burn MIL at the stake like 21:31 would (unless there's more to the background).

[Anonymous]

What would I do?

I'd be disappointed and annoyed. I'd problem solve and find reliable coverage for my kid. After I cooled down or try to empathize with MIL and figure out why she did what she did. I would not rely on her for any offer of long-term care in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how hard would it be to get the 5th day back? I can't imagine the daycare found someone to take a slot one day/wk.

Agree with the PP-- I would not burn MIL at the stake like 21:31 would (unless there's more to the background).

Just call and ask tomorrow morning. You won't know until you ask. Sounds like MIL bit off more than she could chew and got overwhelmed. Shit happens.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a huge deal that you should hold against her if you can get five days back. Remember, she's probably still going to be helpful in the future for occasional babysitting as your child grows and that's key. So I wouldn't make a stink about it. As others said, just file it away as important information about her reliability.

If you can't get the five day slot back right away, another will open soon enough and you can get temporary care until then.

I wouldn't ask someone who didn't want to watch my child for any reason to do it, even temporarily.

[Anonymous]

"WTF" ? this is what you say, op? There's no drama here. Your MIL misjudged and rescinded. Maybe she's a little clueless, unreliable or getting old and not as sharp.

Things happen. I suggest you save your indignation for other, more worthy events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

Watch out. Karma is a bitch. One day you will be a MIL and hopefully our DIL or SIL will be nicer to you than you are to your MIL because I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like this, let alone a family member.

So OP's MIL misjudged. It's been many years since she watched a child and after the second week, she realize that she's older and probably doesn't have the stamina that she thought she did. I know several grandparents who are fit and able and they're fine for 3-4 hours. By the 5th and 6th hours, they're really tired and by the 7th and 8th hour, they're realizing they aren't as young as they feel most of time. So now she's trying to get out of the long-term sitting. So you ask if she can do another week or two while you research options. You also learn not to make any permanent plans around your MIL's offers until you have a chance to try them out. I am so glad that both of us have a good relationship with our respective MILs. But part of that is because we treat them like human beings, who make mistakes, overstay their welcome sometimes and we all just try to live and learn and be more prepared the next time.

[Anonymous]

I get MUCH more tired than I ever did when my kids were growing up. It makes me sad, but it is reality and I can't change it. All the sleep in the world won't change it. And I am "young" to be "grandparenting."

New moms expect that their peaceful baby will be peaceful at someone else's house. That is often just not the case. The baby may be much fussier at grandmas house because everything is less familiar.

It is very hard as a grandma to say that you cannot take care of your grandchild. You know in your heart that it is too much, and you don't know what to say. You hate that you do not have the energy you used to have.

So I think this grandma was courageous for saying something. She knows she is disappointing you, and that is so hard. But she just cannot do it. She may be able to do long stretches when the baby is older, but it is taking too much out of her now.

Please respect that and don't make it any worse for her by punishing her or withdrawing the baby or any other passive-aggressive tactics. She was direct in letting you know. Good for her.

One day, you will be a grandma (God willing) and will have less energy than you do now. I never, ever expected this to be this way. I thought I would always be super-energetic.