How to deal with a mean mom

[Anonymous]

So my mother has a completely great life. Healthy family, more money than they know what to do with happy kids, hobbies, etc...but for some reason is not the nicest person. She is always nice to the kids but is mean to me and my husband. She says snappy things, has no idea how to have a disagreement without it being a fight and has never apologized in her life. If I try to calmly disagree with her she will call me an a$$hole sometimes and leave the room. I try to diagnose her as something but I think it just comes down to her being mean and not a nice person because she can be pleasant sometimes to us and is very generous with her funds always buying the kids tons of clothes and stuff. She will scream at us though if we are in her way as she is walking across the room instead if just saying excuse me. I also never believe any story she tells me. They are often exaggerated forms of the truth. So I understand that in order to function in a nice way for my kids to see and be civil, limiting contact is probably the best way to go and biting my tongue. I feel very badly though cutting her out of my life so much because even though she is mean to me, she is still my mother and I should cut her some slack right? But I struggle because she is not nice and I especially don't like her being mean to my husband who is a great guy. I often owner as well, why doesn't she want to be nicer to us. Doesn't she want to have a close relationship with her daughter? Or maybe she thinks we are close? She definitely thinks you can go and say something rude and mean to someone and then act like nothing happened later that day. Go right back to normal but that's hard for me. I can only let so much roll off before it becomes too much. We have had our drag out arguments and I have tried to sit her down calmly. She always calls me a liar and says I have a problem. It makes me so sad. So I guess my question is, is it ok to release that relationship even though she is my mother? How much slack do I cut her? On the flip side my dad is awesome and it tears him up that we aren't close but he understands.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's ok to release that relationship. There is no reason to subject yourself to that kind of behavior regardless of whether the person being mean is your mother. I say this as someone who also has a mean mother. She is just not a nice person, but it's not necessarily limited to me. The example of yelling at you to get out of the way rather than just saying excuse me sounds exactly like my mother (possibly with calling some variant of stupid thrown in for good measure).

[Anonymous]

Have you actually asked her about what's going on (without you DH or dad around)?

[Anonymous]

It's okay to limit contact with someone who is not kind to you or your spouse. You can tell her that she may think that you can say something mean to someone and then act like nothing happened, but it doesn't work that way for you. Then just reduce the amount of time you spend with her/talking to her.

And it's really not okay for her to call you names. If she did that, I would hang up the phone/end the visit. Period. I do not want my kids witnessing that and thinking it's appropriate behavior.

And please, do not take into account whether or not she will stop buying the kids as much stuff. It is far more important for your children to learn to treat others with respect and kindness than to witness your mother mistreating you and your husband than it is for them to have new clothes and toys.

[Anonymous]

Op here, I've tried talking with her about it and she immediately has a frown in her face and is on the defensive. She with first say that I'm a liar, or "that never happened." We have tried to have calm discussions with her in the past and makes all kinds of things up. She really has no idea how to have a constructive disagreement. There is no "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I didn't intend to come off that way." It's all accusing the whole time. So as many times as I have tried to calmly get to the bottom of it, it never ever works, I have no idea why.

As far as the gifts I have not a want in the world for them. I have told her in the past not to get us a thing, just be nice to us. We do not expect them and would be fine not seeing another gift from them. Sometimes I think she feels like she can great us like shit because she spent 100 bucks on our kid that afternoon or whatever.

I feel so conflicted because if I treat her like she has a mental problem then I could probably just deal and let it roll off but I think she is just choosing to be mean. It kils me that anyone would make that choice especially with family that loves her.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a therapist. I have a difficult mother and it really helped me to talk to someone (a few hours can be enough) and let go of my need to "fix" her or "understand" her.

Try cutting back on how much contact you have with her, and find a level that feels comfortable to you. Before I got married I talked to my mom at least once a day, and it was seriously awful. She was so cruel to me at my wedding that people often think I'm telling a joke when I mention things she did. For about 6 weeks after that I made a point to call the house when I knew she'd be out). Eventually we talked again and we now talk about once a week. I never told her "We can only talk ever so often" I just set the boundary that felt right to me. And when she gets bitchy, I just back it off to every other week for awhile until she gets back under control. I send texts saying "Oh things are really crazy, hope to chat soon!". (yes, none of this is direct but it's the only way to deal with her that won't result in my cutting her out entirely".

[Anonymous]

...even though she is mean to me, she is still my mother and I should cut her some slack right?

No, you don't have to cut her some slack just because she's your mother. I never understand why people tolerate behavior in their family that they would never tolerate from someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I've tried talking with her about it and she immediately has a frown in her face and is on the defensive. She with first say that I'm a liar, or "that never happened." We have tried to have calm discussions with her in the past and makes all kinds of things up. She really has no idea how to have a constructive disagreement. There is no "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I didn't intend to come off that way." It's all accusing the whole time. So as many times as I have tried to calmly get to the bottom of it, it never ever works, I have no idea why.

As far as the gifts I have not a want in the world for them. I have told her in the past not to get us a thing, just be nice to us. We do not expect them and would be fine not seeing another gift from them. Sometimes I think she feels like she can great us like shit because she spent 100 bucks on our kid that afternoon or whatever.

I feel so conflicted because if I treat her like she has a mental problem then I could probably just deal and let it roll off but I think she is just choosing to be mean. It kils me that anyone would make that choice especially with family that loves her.

Honestly, this would make it easier for me to deal with. If she had a mental problem, such that she lacked the ability to control her actions or something, I might feel like I should have some sympathy or cut her more slack. But someone choosing to be unkind to the people who love them? Not gonna feel bad about stepping back. If you choose to be mean to people, it is all on you when they choose to distance themselves. If your mom had a real beef with you, she should express it when you gave her the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...even though she is mean to me, she is still my mother and I should cut her some slack right?

No, you don't have to cut her some slack just because she's your mother. I never understand why people tolerate behavior in their family that they would never tolerate from someone else.

2nd.

Also, it seems your mom is my mom, OP. A narcissist and an energy vampire. I cut mine out years ago, thank God.

[Anonymous]

OP Google "narcissistic mother." There's your diagnosis. I was relieved when I found this out; told me that I wasn't just crazy or intolerant.

[Anonymous]

I have a mean mother also who is more passive aggressive but can be very very cruel to me. The day that I let go of the relationship was the day that I became happier. Now 3 years later, I keep our relationship very casual and superficial so to speak. When my dad wants to come by, they play with the kids, and we have some chit chat. I don't talk to her about anything personal; she's more like an acquaintance to me. Honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made to stop all the senseless torture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean mother also who is more passive aggressive but can be very very cruel to me. The day that I let go of the relationship was the day that I became happier. Now 3 years later, I keep our relationship very casual and superficial so to speak. When my dad wants to come by, they play with the kids, and we have some chit chat. I don't talk to her about anything personal; she's more like an acquaintance to me. Honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made to stop all the senseless torture.

My mom was also buying kids stuff but she was addicted to shopping and bargain hunting. One day she told me that in the future that she'll give me receipts so I can pay her for what she buys for the kids. This was after we had a 2 hour long conversation about our relationship. That was the last straw for me and I realized she will never change.

[Anonymous]

Troll bullcrap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...even though she is mean to me, she is still my mother and I should cut her some slack right?

No, you don't have to cut her some slack just because she's your mother. [b] I never understand why people tolerate behavior in their family that they would never tolerate from someone else.

[/b


YES! My MIL treats me worse than she would a neighbor five doors down or a stranger. And then parades around being a good ______ (insert religion of choice) as if she is some Saint. Sometimes toxic relationships have to be ended, or a separation commenced by the victim for a period of time.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks all. The odd thing is that she has a terrible relationship with her mother and one would think she wouldn't want to repeat that with her own daughter but it seems we are headed down that path. I am making certain it doesn't continue with my children.