How to deal with a mean mom

[Anonymous]

Just talk to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just talk to her

Great idea! Why didn't OP think of doing that? Wait, she did! It didn't make a difference!

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post and more, right down to the showering children with gifts.

My mother has been mentally and physically ill all my life; she has been verbally abusive for most of it as well. I have tolerated it for years and 'accepted' that it was 'all my fault' because I was 'such a terrible daughter'. Until I was typing this post, I managed to forget that she also hit me as well as my father: I guess I repressed a lot because there has been so much. All of us in my family have put up with the behavior being grateful that she is sober (recovering alcoholic and addict), alive (also cancer survivor), and functional (she has some serious physical disabilities as well). People have told me to cut her slack for years given how miserable her life is, and I did and I have.

That is, until about 3 years ago, when she started making up lies about my husband and showing tendencies of being cruel to my daughter (favoring visibly another grandchild over my child and making comments that were potentially able to hurt my child). That's when we really started limiting contact physically in terms of visits although I still talk to her every day by phone (on the rare occasions that I don't call every day she can be scathing to me, so I've learned my lesson).

About two months ago, I asked my therapist if he could possibly help me understand what kind of mental illness she might have -- I finally realized it had to be more than the anxiety and depressive disorders for which she has been treated all my life. He told me he suspected borderline personality disorder/narcissism and EVERYTHING fell into place. Now I understand why she behaves as she does, why she says what she says, why she is as miserable inside as she is to my father and to me, and now to my brother, sister-in-law, and potentially my husband.

This does not make it easier, OP. It breaks my heart to think that if I never see my mother again, it might be easier on all of us (and even on her, for she will never be well, from what I understand, and she will never be able to be happy). I'm in a particularly hard spot right now because we are getting ready to move across the country and this is playing into a borderline's worst fear (abandonment) and my mother is being very, very cruel about this (we really don't feel that we have a choice due to DH's employment). I have basically made the decision not to go and say goodbye to her and my dad in person because I have no clue what she would say to my daughter and I don't want her memories of her grandmother to be scarred. My mother would see it as 'the last goodbye' (which it would be if she or my dad died before we came back to visit within a couple of months, as we have promised to do) and I am scared she will do something so destructive that.... well, enough said.

I didn't mean to hijack your post, so I'll stop writing. I did want to suggest that for those who have lived with borderline/narcissist parents and not known WHAT it was, the diagnosis can be very liberating. There is not really a treatment; some forms of therapy CAN help but not by much. There is, though, support for survivors, even on an anonymous forum like this. Just writing tonight has helped me. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP seriously those are all the signs of a Narcissist. Google it like PP suggested. I like daughtersofnarcissiticmothers.com. It was like everything finally made sense.

[Anonymous]

I have a mean mom too! It all started after my Dad died. She put him in a nursery home while she was dating some loser. She is still with him today 13 years later. I hate him. She has lied to me for 13 years. Further, she barely made it to my wedding which was in her neighborhood, acted like a total ass, wouldn't hardly speak to anyone, and was just rude. She showed up to my baby shower AFTER it was over. She did come after my son was born twice to help me, but then she was a no show for Xmas, no show for my son's baptism as he was 7 months old, and a no show for his 1st birthday party. She blames everything on me, including the fact we sold a property that my dad used to own that she took over after his death....that got foreclosed on her. We had to buy through an auction. We sold for a nice profit because I just needed to cut ties- she was stalking us to buy it back. She's had two properties foreclosed on and has filed bankruptcy. She's broke and jealous.

[Anonymous]

Wow....I feel so sorry for you OP. My mom is the exact same way. She was verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to me my entire life. She would get great joy out of humiliating me in public and often made me feel like I was nothing. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and possibly borderline too (however I was not really dealing with her when the latter diagnosis was being considered). I tolerated her behavior as a child because I had to and cont to accept it as a young adult because family and friends told me I had to forgive and keep her in my life no matter what since she was my mother. The result of that was years of agony and low self-esteem and an overwhelming sense of obligation to her. She always said things like "i gave up my own life to take care of you" or "if you move out you'll just end up back here because you can't make it without me..nobody cares about you" and sadly, I believed her, but I still knew it was wrong for her to treat me that way. I finally got fed up and moved out on my own (at 22) and even then she would degrade me, curse at me, steal from me and insist that I help her pay her bills...I tolerated it because she was my mom and so many people had convinced me that I just had to deal with it, so I did. When I had kids (late 20's- mid 30's) I noticed how they would pick up on her negative behavior toward me and model it, she would also undermine my authority with them and tell them to lie to me. Well...for me, that was the last straw. I cut her off completely and didn't care what anyone thought about it...I told my family and friends about my decision and let them know that they would be dismissed too if they gave me any grief about cutting her off, but surprisingly, no one did. As a result of me severing ties with her, she made a fraudulent call to CPS to report we were abusing our kids..that led to a full investigation, home visits and court hearings...all of which caused me so much stress. That behavior only confirmed that I made the right decision. I just turned 40 and life without her is amazing..I'm so much happier with her and I can honestly say that if I never saw her again it would be fine with me.

You do not deserve or have to accept abuse OP....not even from your mother. My worst regret in life is not cutting her off 20 years soon than I did. I can't begin to imagine all the happiness I missed out on because I allowed her to remain in my life. Our society has an incredibly sympathetic and forgiving attitude towards mothers whether they deserve it or not....my mother certainly didn't deserve it and it sounds like you mother doesn't either. Please think of yourself and your husband/kids and how dealing with your mother may sour your attitude and further break your spirit (even allowing her to do this for a few more minutes is a tragedy).

Good luck