Glad we're family but oh sorry you thought we were friends?
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Anonymous
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My cousin "Sally" is getting married this fall. We were close in age and she was an only child, so she was pretty tight with my sister and I growing up. If it hadn't been for living on opposite sides of town, we probably would have been hanging out every weekend. As adults, we took vacations together and she and my sister would visit me (they both live back in our hometown) for a girls weekend almost every year until the last couple years or so. So really, it was kind of a given that we'd be included in her bachelorette party- but then we weren't. My aunt said that it was just the bridal party going out (her two closest friends from high school and future SIL) but then we were chatting with her other friends at the shower and they were all included on the evening festivities. So really, it was just sis and I excluded (we also have two other cousins of age- but they would not have attended and Sally would have known that).
Now on one hand, I had a great time catching up with other family who I would not have seen if I had attended the bachelorette, but on the other, I'm pretty hurt. I never would have dreamed of not inclyding her in mine. There is a bit of a backstory here and I don't know how much of a role it played- Sally was a hot mess at my bachelorette a couple years ago- got crazy drunk and emotional and started making out with a random guy. And yeah, she was dating her now-fiance at the time, who came and picked her up and took her home. She sent sis and I a text the next day apologizing and it has never been spoken of since. But in a way she's barely spoken to us since. My sister is the stubborn type so when Sally blew off a couple lunch invites my sister stopped reaching out. Me living further away was a bit different- we email, but it's usually initiated by me. I tried to invite her and fiance out when I was home at Christmas but she was non-committal and blew me off. At the shower she was all fake-nice and sought me out but it was mainly because she wanted to give me back a bunch of things I had given her from our wedding (with a clear no-return policy BTW- how hard is it just to take the box to goodwill?!). Anyway, it's wierd. Not being invited to the bachelorette was really just a confirmation that she no longer views me as a friend- just family. And that makes me kinda sad. I don't know what, if anything, I could even do on my end- I didn't do anything wrong, and she's the one that pulled back. Has anyone else had this kind of thing happen before? |
Anonymous
| Why not ask her what's going on? |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, that's painful. All you can do is to try and keep lines of communication open and love her for what she can be to you, and try not to resent what she's not. |
Anonymous
I think a likely explanation is that she's planning to go wild and doesn't want her family to know about it - especially since you've already seen her do it once. She's embarrassed already by that incident to the point that she distanced herself from you guys because of it. I doubt it's personal. But I'm still sorry. 
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Anonymous
| Do you think she was afraid you'd snitch on her about the previous incident? Either to her fiancé or members of the wedding party? |
Anonymous
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People are weird and sometimes mean. Don't let it stop you from being a good, kind person.
Signed, The sister whose siblings left us out of the annual beach vacation trip because they don't like my vegan husband, or maybe me, or maybe both of us |
Anonymous
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I think you are fully right to be hurt -- I would be too.
I suggest trying to let this go and allow some time to go by. I think she will change how she feels about you and your sister. You are her closest relatives aside from her parents. Age gives people a new perspective (and I'm referring to her). |
Anonymous
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I understand your hurt, OP, but are you really surprised? Sounds like she's been giving you the message that she wanted distance for some time now. If it were happening to me, I would have expected to not be invited to the bachelorette party.
But I know what it's like to have someone you care about disappear on you like that. It's painful. Sorry you're going through this. But it looks like you either ask her what's going on or you just accept that you'll never get an explanation, grieve, and let the relationship go. |
Anonymous
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That is a pity. I am guessing that she is either embarassed by her behavior at your party or somehow blames you and your sister for her behavior, ie, you 'let' her get too drunk.
I think your options are to have a heart to heart or let her go. |
Anonymous
Orperhaps ops sister said something not so nice to her |
Anonymous
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Don't address it. It's her wedding, and unless she asked you to chip in for the party you weren't invited to, you have no say.
After her honeymoon, see how things play out--if you talk to her as much as you used to, etc. If you notice a change, then address that. But don't bring up the bachelorette party unless she does. |
Anonymous
12:43 again. You know, this is a total leap so take it with a grain of salt but the person who disappeared on me had been a recovering alcoholic who later got into a prescription drug habit. Is it possible your cousin is an alcoholic and since she got drunk that night she is pulling away because she doesn't want you to recognize it? Again, this is a leap but that's what your story brings to mind for me. |
Anonymous
To be honest I didn't quite recognize the signs at first- she's always had a tendency to go MIA when dating someone, so it didn't strike me as very different than in the past. Most of our communications are text/email/Facebook anyway. My sis, since she lives in the same town and previously saw her more often in person, was pissed and stopped making an effort. In a way she wasn't surprised. But I was. Funny because last summer when we were talking in person she was lamenting that she didn't know what her bridesmaids would be able to do for a party because they live out of town. I offered assistance if needed and she was like oh thank you so much- ha! Anyway, I'm not asking her what's up before the wedding- little desire on my front to contribute to the drama at the moment. But maybe I will eventually. Thanks for listening- I really just needed to vent. 
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Anonymous
| She's pushing you away. We don't know why, but she clearly is. I would take the hint and focus my energies on people who want me around and appreciate me. |
Anonymous
Not as much of a leap as you think- she was pretty drunk at my wedding too, and my sister had witnessed a couple other incidents. It's definitely crossed my mind.
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