Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

There's this great video short online where an older husband and his wife are standing there. She is talking, and he is silent. He blurts out that he is doing something really important right now as she stands there with his arms crossed. His wife tells him that he isn't doing anything at all. You said you are doing something important, but you're not doing anything. She starts talking about something else as he stands there, silently. She then circles back and asks what he is doing that is so important. She demands to know. He smiles at the camera, and walks away with a head shake, with her still talking a mile a minute.

The important thing he was doing was being quiet, and not filling the space with mindless chatter. She didn't get the joke. At all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

Then how do you reconcile that with the fact that multiple people have posted that they've been married for decades and their spouse has never talked to them like that? I guess they're not real? They're lying? I know I'm telling the truth, and I know I've never been talked to like that in my entire life by anyone.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

This. So many closed-minded people on this thread ready to call someone "garbage" and "trash" over things they're only hearing about online, utterly refusing to consider anything else, including their own mistake-prone nature. Lot of folks acting really smug that they don't swear, as if that magically makes them better than...

We are better, dear.

If someone wants to say I’m better than them because I don’t abuse my spouse, I’m 100% on board with that. I *am* better than people abuse their spouse. I *am* better than people who abuse animals. If that’s controversial I’m shocked.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

No one is saying basic human decency is “too much”. Sometimes people disagree and that’s ok.

Disagreeing with someone requesting basic human decency = saying it's "too much". Hope that helps.

Your opinion of basic human decency can be different than others when it comes to words being used. Hope that helps.

Some things are clear cut, such as the fact that cussing at someone is not ok. I hope you are just shit posting and trolling and that you truly understand what good treatment is. I won't try to convince you anymore.

Cussing at someone is not okay TO YOU, and that's fine. But expecting that the whole world share your standards is selfish to the point of being myopic.

Not the whole world babe. Just the people we choose to be around. We don’t care about NPCs like you.

NPCs, eh? doubling down on that dehumanizing language whle claiming to be for "basic decency" is so pathetic.

You're a clown. And a clown who apparently cares a great deal, as you continue to engage. We all heard your (stupid) point the first 25 times, hunty.

I just started replying two comments ago, it’s just that normal people agree with me.

It’s too bad that you were raised by negligent parents who taught you to tolerate this behavior. There is still hope for you to break the cycle.


https://1in6.org/

Again, the dehumanization. "Normal people" also disagree with you. Your need to bring someone's parents into it is all about your own dysfunction; this is an anon board, and you don't even seem to know what you don't know. PP was right: you're a clown, and your concern-trolling is totally negated by your choice of labels for strangers. "NPC" is a violent way to describe the peers with whom you share a planet, narcissist.

So now words are “violence” ?

Hypocrite.

At pretend to have a shred of intellectual consistency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

There's also a whole group of men out there who think it's ok to beat their wives. Are those the same people? Or are those people offensive to you? Just trying to figure out where you draw the line.

The automatic equivalency that you draw between a single episode of profanity and physical abuse is the disconnect here. You believe because all physical abusers use profanity all profanity is equal to physical abuse. While it’s certainly a thing you can think, it’s not great advice. Real life is much more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

This. So many closed-minded people on this thread ready to call someone "garbage" and "trash" over things they're only hearing about online, utterly refusing to consider anything else, including their own mistake-prone nature. Lot of folks acting really smug that they don't swear, as if that magically makes them better than...

We are better, dear.

If someone wants to say I’m better than them because I don’t abuse my spouse, I’m 100% on board with that. I *am* better than people abuse their spouse. I *am* better than people who abuse animals. If that’s controversial I’m shocked.

This conversation has jumped the shark. No abuse was alleged. It was determined to be abuse after the fact by DCUM posters.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nope. You get one chance. He'll keep doing it

So you're cool with getting dumped for one mistake, even after you apologize? Must be nice to always be perfect...

It’s not hard to not curse at your family. I’m sorry that you were raised to accept this behavior as normal.

Normal or not normal. It seems what is hard for you to accept is that people are different than you are. Your world view isn’t the only acceptable outlook. It’s what works for you but there are different types who can be totally fine people who get there a different way than you do

This is what you're failing to understand - there are differences of opinion, and then there are standards of decent behavior. You want to live in a big city because you like urban life? That's fine, others prefer rural areas with lots of space. Neither of you is right. Those are called preferences. There are no laws about whether you have to like the city or the country. There are, however, laws regarding how you talk to people, including cursing at them. Those are preferences, those are actual rules for human behavior. So the fact that you keep trying to insist that those who say cursing at people isn't okay are merely expressing their opinion, and you're entitled to your opinion, which is that it is totally fine to curse at people, shows how ridiculous you are. Oh no, there I go, calling you name! How dare I!

You think cursing at people is against the law? What on earth? Did you really just make that argument?

Look it up. It can, in fact, be illegal behavior. I know what you're going to say - that what OP's boyfriend did and the way he did it (because he wasn't angry! ) doesn't rise to the level of a crime. The point is, what you're deeming to be ok behavior is actually not. Whether what OP's boyfriend did is would be a crime or not isn't the point. But honestly, I'm tired of trying to get you to understand. I can only truly hope that you learn something from this thread and stop cursing at people.

Not a crime, but not acceptable.

-a lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

There's also a whole group of men out there who think it's ok to beat their wives. Are those the same people? Or are those people offensive to you? Just trying to figure out where you draw the line.

The automatic equivalency that you draw between a single episode of profanity and physical abuse is the disconnect here. You believe because all physical abusers use profanity all profanity is equal to physical abuse. While it’s certainly a thing you can think, it’s not great advice. Real life is much more complicated.

Plenty have women here have vouched that it indeed fantastic advice.

Your opinion is just that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

So she deserved it, right?

Nuance isn't possible with you, is it? She's blameless, he's garbage, your black and white logic has decreed How It Is and your rigid mind can't possibly accept otherwise.

Meanwhile, in reality, most conflicts that aren't crimes have more than one "bad guy" and responsible adults all claim their part. You don't get to badger someone and then claim victim status when they clap back. He didn't tell her to STFU out of the blue.

Right, so she deserved it? What else do you think she deserved? What if she was even more annoying than she had been? At what point does he get to hit her? I mean, she'd deserve it, right?

Who said hit her? Someone tried to point out that he didn't just randomly start Touretting swears at her. Why can't you hear that without doing all of this?

Right, so she deserved it? You're saying her behavior in telling her boyfriend that he should lighten up with the dog means she deserves whatever he responds with? Or do you draw a line somewhere? Tell me where your victim blaming scale tips.

In order for there to be a "victim" there needs to have been a crime. A lot of people engage in their victimese when there's no crime, and it's just a conflict. In all conflicts that aren't crimes, culpability is shared. Unevenly, perhaps, but mutual responsibility rests with both parties. Saying that one party is guilty and the other a pure innocent is a logical fallacy.

Wording that as "deserved it" or "asked for it" is triggering to some people. Try "What was her role in this conflict?" and see if that helps you see the point.

You're still refusing to answer the question. (Hint, because you can't). We can use whatever terminology you're comfortable with.

Given OP's role in this conflict, or any other conflict, I will ask you again - where is the line of what OP's boyfriend can do in response to her behavior?

If OP had told her boyfriend to shut the f up, could he hit her in response? What if OP told her boyfriend he's a terrible effing dog owner? Would that warrant a bigger response from her boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

So she deserved it, right?

Nuance isn't possible with you, is it? She's blameless, he's garbage, your black and white logic has decreed How It Is and your rigid mind can't possibly accept otherwise.

Meanwhile, in reality, most conflicts that aren't crimes have more than one "bad guy" and responsible adults all claim their part. You don't get to badger someone and then claim victim status when they clap back. He didn't tell her to STFU out of the blue.

Right, so she deserved it? What else do you think she deserved? What if she was even more annoying than she had been? At what point does he get to hit her? I mean, she'd deserve it, right?

Who said hit her? Someone tried to point out that he didn't just randomly start Touretting swears at her. Why can't you hear that without doing all of this?

Right, so she deserved it? You're saying her behavior in telling her boyfriend that he should lighten up with the dog means she deserves whatever he responds with? Or do you draw a line somewhere? Tell me where your victim blaming scale tips.

In order for there to be a "victim" there needs to have been a crime. A lot of people engage in their victimese when there's no crime, and it's just a conflict. In all conflicts that aren't crimes, culpability is shared. Unevenly, perhaps, but mutual responsibility rests with both parties. Saying that one party is guilty and the other a pure innocent is a logical fallacy.

Wording that as "deserved it" or "asked for it" is triggering to some people. Try "What was her role in this conflict?" and see if that helps you see the point.

You're still refusing to answer the question. (Hint, because you can't). We can use whatever terminology you're comfortable with.

Given OP's role in this conflict, or any other conflict, I will ask you again - where is the line of what OP's boyfriend can do in response to her behavior?

If OP had told her boyfriend to shut the f up, could he hit her in response? What if OP told her boyfriend he's a terrible effing dog owner? Would that warrant a bigger response from her boyfriend?

Some men have this cognitive disconnect. They will force women to have sex, but they aren’t rapists. They will show women their place, but they aren’t wife beaters. They will curse at their partner, but aren’t abusive.

They do all the behaviors, they just don’t like the label associated with said behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

I don't understand why you are having such a hard time with this other than that you have been conditioned to think that some behavior is normal or acceptable when it is not.

The idea of "everyone screws up" or "he apologized so you should let it go" is the kind of thing abusers say to justify or excuse their behavior and get the victim to continue taking it.

That you keep insisting people here are saying they expect perfection is missing the point, which means you're either being intentionally obtuse or someone actually rewired your brain to think this way.

Textbook. 100% right out of the abuser textbook. The men decrying op standing up for herself sound like major abusers themselves.

“Know her place”

Chilling.

Yeah, "chilling". He said a no-no word, without anger.

Y'all are hysterical.

Chilling in that saying a woman needs to know her place lest she get “clapped back” is incredibly disturbing. Not sure if that was you who posted it, but it’s extremely misogynistic and abusive language. Very disturbing to see people not only keep defending the bf, but increasing the violent language used towards other women. It’s very telling.

Calling a human "garbage", "trash" and "an NPC" doesn't bother you at all though...

Your misandry is showing

You need to stop using words you don’t understand. You tried that earlier in this thread and someone called you on it. Calling a human trash for how they treat their partner is not misandrist. Using big word you don’t know makes you sound like a real dumba$$.

You swore at me, abuser!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

This. So many closed-minded people on this thread ready to call someone "garbage" and "trash" over things they're only hearing about online, utterly refusing to consider anything else, including their own mistake-prone nature. Lot of folks acting really smug that they don't swear, as if that magically makes them better than...

We are better, dear.

Tell yourself whatever you need to get ya through it, hunty.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nope. You get one chance. He'll keep doing it

So you're cool with getting dumped for one mistake, even after you apologize? Must be nice to always be perfect...

It’s not hard to not curse at your family. I’m sorry that you were raised to accept this behavior as normal.

Normal or not normal. It seems what is hard for you to accept is that people are different than you are. Your world view isn’t the only acceptable outlook. It’s what works for you but there are different types who can be totally fine people who get there a different way than you do

This is what you're failing to understand - there are differences of opinion, and then there are standards of decent behavior. You want to live in a big city because you like urban life? That's fine, others prefer rural areas with lots of space. Neither of you is right. Those are called preferences. There are no laws about whether you have to like the city or the country. There are, however, laws regarding how you talk to people, including cursing at them. Those are preferences, those are actual rules for human behavior. So the fact that you keep trying to insist that those who say cursing at people isn't okay are merely expressing their opinion, and you're entitled to your opinion, which is that it is totally fine to curse at people, shows how ridiculous you are. Oh no, there I go, calling you name! How dare I!

You think cursing at people is against the law? What on earth? Did you really just make that argument?

Look it up. It can, in fact, be illegal behavior. I know what you're going to say - that what OP's boyfriend did and the way he did it (because he wasn't angry! ) doesn't rise to the level of a crime. The point is, what you're deeming to be ok behavior is actually not. Whether what OP's boyfriend did is would be a crime or not isn't the point. But honestly, I'm tired of trying to get you to understand. I can only truly hope that you learn something from this thread and stop cursing at people.

It’s literally never illegal to use curse words. You look it up.

Code of Virginia
§ 18.2-416. Punishment for using abusive language to another.
If any person shall, in the presence or hearing of another, curse or abuse such other person, or use any violent abusive language to such person concerning himself or any of his relations, or otherwise use such language, under circumstances reasonably calculated to provoke a breach of the peace, he shall be guilty of a Class 3 misdemeanor.

"reasonably calculated to provoke a breach of the peace" he didn't have because she was already up his ass about HIS dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

This. So many closed-minded people on this thread ready to call someone "garbage" and "trash" over things they're only hearing about online, utterly refusing to consider anything else, including their own mistake-prone nature. Lot of folks acting really smug that they don't swear, as if that magically makes them better than...

We are better, dear.

If someone wants to say I’m better than them because I don’t abuse my spouse, I’m 100% on board with that. I *am* better than people abuse their spouse. I *am* better than people who abuse animals. If that’s controversial I’m shocked.

A single swear without anger is not abuse. Muzzling a dog with a bite history is not abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

I don't understand why you are having such a hard time with this other than that you have been conditioned to think that some behavior is normal or acceptable when it is not.

The idea of "everyone screws up" or "he apologized so you should let it go" is the kind of thing abusers say to justify or excuse their behavior and get the victim to continue taking it.

That you keep insisting people here are saying they expect perfection is missing the point, which means you're either being intentionally obtuse or someone actually rewired your brain to think this way.

Textbook. 100% right out of the abuser textbook. The men decrying op standing up for herself sound like major abusers themselves.

“Know her place”

Chilling.

Yeah, "chilling". He said a no-no word, without anger.

Y'all are hysterical.

Chilling in that saying a woman needs to know her place lest she get “clapped back” is incredibly disturbing. Not sure if that was you who posted it, but it’s extremely misogynistic and abusive language. Very disturbing to see people not only keep defending the bf, but increasing the violent language used towards other women. It’s very telling.

Calling a human "garbage", "trash" and "an NPC" doesn't bother you at all though...

Your misandry is showing

You need to stop using words you don’t understand. You tried that earlier in this thread and someone called you on it. Calling a human trash for how they treat their partner is not misandrist. Using big word you don’t know makes you sound like a real dumba$$.

You swore at me, abuser!

Wah wah, I use words I don’t understand to try and insult women on the internet and get mad when they call me out!