Long-term Infatuations?

[Anonymous]

Have you ever acted on them, like breaking up/divorcing and dating the object of the infatuation?

The cliff notes of what I'm going through:
- female, early thirties, married to good, handsome, loving man who has been a good husband to me. I've been a loving, loyal wife. Married 2 years, were dating for 2 years before that, so altogether 4 years with DH.
- Over a decade ago when I was in college, I became close friends with a handsome, exciting, genius and we started dating a month before we graduated college. He moved to Florida for work 4 months later and we broke up because we decided long distance wouldn't work. Still friends to this day.
- Still have feelings for Ex. He's smarter than DH, he was better in bed than DH is (I feel bad for saying that ), and since he and I were in the same major in college (Medieval and Ren Studies), we have a LOT of the same interests. Ex still flirts with me whenever we meet up. DH has let himself go a little, but Ex looks hotter than ever.
- I love my DH but I can't help but feel that I missed the boat on the true romance of my life.

Has anyone else experienced things like this? WWYD? Is it normal to have deep and lasting infatuations with close friends for 10 years while being married to and in love with someone else? Is this common and a mistake?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I know the scenario well and here's what I would do:

Divorce your husband. Your heart isn't "in it" and there's no point in trying to force yourself to feel something when you already know you want someone else. Love isn't always pretty. If you're willing to really disrupt your current life, and if this guy you want so badly is willing to do the same, and accept the ridicule...go for it. This isn't a dress rehearsal. You've only got this one life.

[Anonymous]

I feel very sorry for you DH...just hopes thta poor chump has no idea you're still pinning for your ex.

[Anonymous]

How do you know ex wants a life with you?

Flirting is one thing. It's an ego boost to both.

You might ditch DH and this guy wants nothing long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know ex wants a life with you?

Flirting is one thing. It's an ego boost to both.

You might ditch DH and this guy wants nothing long term.

Yep, always easy to leave a relationship when you have a new one to break the fall. Karma's a bitch, Hun. I just hope your DH has enough self -respect to say "no thanks" when you come slinking back. Because at some point, you'll figure out that what's on the inside is more valuable than the outside. Or maybe you won't.

[Anonymous]

I once met up with an ex for drinks (nothing else). That's when I realized that he had an outsized ego and was full of himself. He was also misogynistic, saying things like beautiful women aren't very smart and visa versa. I never talked to he again after that evening.
You may have built up a version of your "genius" ex that does not exist.

[Anonymous]

I think this is made up and if it isn't, please dump your DH so he can find a woman who appreciates him more. You sound very superficial.

[Anonymous]

You dated the guy for 5 months and are idealizing him. I imagine if you left your DH for him you would regret it deeply and wish you appreciated what you had.

[Anonymous]

I agree w all the PPs.

You need to divorce your wonderful DH so he can find someone who loves him.

Good luck w the guy you invented in your head. If he was so great, you would have figured out a way to work.

[Anonymous]

I have been in your exact shoes, except I have a son. If you really want out do it before you have kids. It is very hard going through life looking in your review mirror. I decided to stay and have never been happier. Sometimes the person your with is worth the price of admission. Meaning, my husband has so many amazing qualities, but a few in the bedroom. In the end he was worth the price (bad in bed) over not being with him. I don't know if I explained that right. I know what you are going through is very very hard.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand you Op I constantly compare my DH to the one who got away. If things are bad at home i even have dreams about that other guy. I am sure that I romanticize him and that if in fact I was married to him there would be problems too but still...every time I are him my heart skips a beat or two. I have been with my husband for over 10 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your exact shoes, except I have a son. If you really want out do it before you have kids. It is very hard going through life looking in your review mirror. I decided to stay and have never been happier. Sometimes the person your with is worth the price of admission. Meaning, my husband has so many amazing qualities, but a few in the bedroom. In the end he was worth the price (bad in bed) over not being with him. I don't know if I explained that right. I know what you are going through is very very hard.

Bedroom skills can be learned.

[Anonymous]

I've felt the same about my first love (20-25) and broke up bc of jobs and long distance as we were starting out after school. He's still hotter than...DH could work on iit. He's single. I've been married for 7 yrs and my life is happy. But yes those feelings never died, and I'm pretty sure for either of us. I try my best to avoid all run ins and talking. Once every few yrs we will bump into each other. Anyway, I tell myself he was my first true love, but DH is truly the love of my life. I also tell myself fantasy is always better than reality and I would never give up my life now. Sometimes it's just fun to fanticize.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Had a cyber affair with him. Wasn't worth it in the end. Love the one you're with. There's a reason in life it didn't work out with the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know ex wants a life with you?

Flirting is one thing. It's an ego boost to both.

You might ditch DH and this guy wants nothing long term.

Have to agree with this. He is probably enjoying the danger of flirting with someone who is married and probably feeding his own ego...far from saying he wants you to end your marriage and marry him. Do you know for sure this feeling is mutual? If you do not love your husband, and it sounds like you really don't, you are not being fair to him, your kids or yourself to stay married BUT if you end your marriage be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

My own sister went through something very similar. Was engaged they broke up because he is was medical school and just didn't have time/room in his life for a fiance and planning a wedding. She was heartbroken but moved on, and married a great guy 4 years later. What i never knew until 2010 was that she never got over her ex. I also didn't' know that they were still communicating. She finally broke down and told me, and that she really cared for her H but wasn't in love with them. They had a D. I talked her into being honest and eventually she told her husband. She did reunite with her ex and they married in 2012. It did not happen without a lot of hurt and anger for many people involved. So it might sound like a fairytale but I assure you it was difficult even for her to break up her marriage. She is very happy now and in her case it worked out but I think its the exception more than the rule. Remember you never know what you have until its gone. Just be wise and good luck.